Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

Honestly, it’s so so rare that we shout. We definitely disagree and can have robust conversations but we don’t shout. I could genuinely count the times we’ve shouted at each other in 19 years.

You are a merry old goat 🐐 indeed !

I also think people have different concepts of shouting. That’s kind of becoming clear on this thread because you can actually shout reasoned arguments but you probably couldn’t shriek or holler them, and some posters seem to feel shouting is more unhinged than anything reasoned. I’m beginning to wonder if we are all envisaging different things. One person’s shout is another’s robust argument perhaps.

I had a friend from a large, noisy, vocal family ( all became barristers) and had to leave the table feeling embarrassed as they were all “shouting” about a topic right through the meal and I thought it was a huge falling out. My friend found me sitting in her room and I said I’d felt awkward sitting through the “ bust up”. She laughed and said we “ debate” like that every night.

@holidaybliss don't worry OP, I imagine most of these are lying when they say they don't shout. I don't know a single relationship who haven't shouted at each other at some point. It's bound to happen at somepoint.

Hope you're holiday gets better

Perhaps your DH is less annoying than mine 😂

At some point maybe. People can reach the end of their tether and lash out. But it should be the exception. If you can't communicate without shouting then it's a big problem.

If it's any kind of regular thing then it's toxic as fuck and its not the kind of relationship to bring a child into.

Tbh he’s pretty brilliant - I’ve just finished a big fat fish finger sandwich with home made chunky fries he made me

Men are not physically scared of women. Shouting at men to het out anger, even if nothing to do with them, is a normal part of a couples relationship..

I think the hotel was to check better safe then sorry. But at the same time I am sure they have heard much worse.

So you shout at your husband, even when he's done nothing 'wrong', because you feel angry for some unrelated reason?

It is one thing for an argument or disagreement to escalate into shouting, it is another to treat your partner like an emotional punching bag to take out your petty frustrations on, it is absolutely NOT normal.

But abusers often make up reasons as to why their toxic behaviour is justified, so I'm not surprised you take that stance.

Some couples’ relationships.

Being frank, this is actually perhaps pointing to something wrong with you.

Because I don't shout (it's so interesting that you referenced what seems to be some kind of fantasy re my former profession above btw – I'm sure most shouty couple arguments are just exciteable disagreements on the finer nuances of mens rea, yes...) and use emojis, I MUST be emotionally leaking.

I don't want to sound like I'm on a high horse but I genuinely feel like you and your partner/family have so, so much to learn about true emotional expression, contentment and growth. Again, I don't want to sound condescending, but I truly can't help feeling a bit of... pity?

I genuinely know people (including your much-vaunted barristers, yes – high-achieving professional life doesn't preclude one from personal life dysfunction) who think it's healthy and normal to get physical (whether re a person or just in general) every once and then.

Since I can't reference any of them, I'll mention a public figure also known personally in many circles: Bojo (and his equally shouty partner), who is fond of the domestic communication style you cite, with much physicality thrown in. This is a fact known to all his neighbours.

Like I said, normal to lose it and shout or maybe even get physical once in a while. To claim it's healthy, regularly needed, etc, just shows perhaps you don't realise what an actual healthy relationship is – no one has ever shown you.

OP - I don’t think shouting is either as uncommon or abnormal as people are claiming on here. 3 , now adult DC, and done plenty of shouting in my time.

Whaat ?!

I honestly have no idea what you are meaning about “ fantasy re your former profession “ and a few other things here.
Nor have I - or OP or anyone else as far as I have noticed - mentioned physical aggression being in any way acceptable; it was you who claimed - wrongly I believe - that it is a natural outgrowth of shouting.

And there is nothing in any of this thread to suggest OP normally shouts. It was in fact such an “event” she’s ended up posting in embarrassment. So this isn’t a thread about shouting as a normal interaction. It’s about a situation where she has become particularly distressed.

This post is just massive overreach .

And why would shouty arguments be about mens rea particularly!?

And fwiw I very much disagree with your observation that it’s “ normal” to “get physical once in a while.”

It isn’t. So please save your pity.

So you're going to shout furiously, then gently place your item down, tiptoe out the door and shut it nicely? Most shouty arguments I've heard from neighbours or others have some kind of slamming, banging, stomping or throwing involved at some point.

Even without physicality though, I hand on heart genuinely think shouting is harmful (albeit inevitable once or twice), not "healthy". It must be miserable living with a partner who thinks shouting at you every now and then is healthy!

I was referencing your barrister scenario btw... Yeah, Bojo and Carrie Johnson regularly shouting down the neighbourhood, and couples like them, clearly are just having erudite abstract debates.

@mhmmmok you are right that living with someone like that all the time would be horrible. It really would,

But I don’t think think OP is like that all the time . In fact she had posted out of embarrassment that it even happened and I certainly don’t think in this instance anything was thrown or slammed . She sounds to be under an enormous degree of pressure and that’s why some of us leapt in to say what she described - and is agonising over - really isn’t such a big deal.

The point about the vocal family I knew was adduced NOT to excuse the shouting ( still less to excuse them on the grounds of them being “much vaunted.”) Indeed, I even mentioned that I had found it disconcerting. Rather, the point was that they didn’t seem to consider it shouting; it was “debate” to them. I was trying to make the point that some of the disagreement on this thread might be down to the fact that we all envisage the “shouting” that took place differently - and, in fact, you have indeed now said you think if it as leading to slamming or throwing or even “ physicality.” With respect, I don’t think the level of “ shouting” involved in OP’s situation entailed any of that.

In any case, my contributions on this thread were made to try to settle the OP’s distressed mind over the incident she posted about. I hope I have said enough for her to know that we don’t all condemn her for an isolated outburst - which may or may not have occasioned a visit by the maid, and may or may not resemble what other posters consider shouting. I feel our exchanges are no longer productive to that object.

Mental/physical violence against a partner can also come from a woman to her partner. Do think about this.

Physical violence is always clear cut.

It’s a no, whoever is delivering it and whomever it is directed at.

Absolutely- that’s my point. People don’t think that domestic violence physical/mental can come from a women.

That just sounds like abuse to me.

Agree. It can . And there are many forms of abuse, not just physical or shouting.

That sounds like misogyny to me.

You have a husband problem, not a hotel problem.
Sort that out first.

Getting angry in a relationship is almost inevitable - and raising your voice, whilst not ideal, is a consequence of this that on this occasion you were obviously unable to control.

What seems far less acceptable to me is the abuse you are being subjected to by your husband - for your child's sake you need to get away from this man, he is not the role model you want them growing up with, and your relationship with him likewise. Xx