Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

And I think you have hit on the heart of the issue when you say it’s ok once or twice. She’s let off steam briefly and perhaps her DH needed to know she was getting that wound up by his behaviour. There’s also a big difference between shouting to express distress and shouting to intimidate.

She hasn’t posted saying she is shouting every night.

And I don’t think pent up emotion is good, no. I think reaching out to others to be able to talk when the heat in the relationship has built up is a hugely constructive outlet. But the problem is she has tried that - via this thread. And that’s why I’m saying just give her a break.

It was obvious even by OPs first post that they have a bigger problem going on and this holiday post is just a red herring.

This is MN AIBU - of course people are going to have a difference in opinion, but half the posters claiming to be supporting OP and minimising DH as just super annoying / a pain, claiming they would have shouted at him too and it’s all so ‘normal’ aren’t actually doing her any favours.

Reading OPs recent update he sounds emotionally abusive and that is the real issue here

God almighty, the lengths some posters will go to in a bid to excuse their part in a pile-on.

We get it; you like to kick a young mum when she’s down. Those of us who deplore this behaviour are not suddenly going to see things your way just because you explain it in exhaustive detail.

@PixieLaLar then you are saying a large majority of women are emotionally abusive behind closed doors. Which seems like the recent misogyny on Mumsnet.

Bizarre take. My husband has a very stressful job, should I accept him coming home and shouting at me because he needs to let it out? In a healthy relationship there are plenty of ways to express negative emotions without resorting to shouting.
OP is not in a healthy well balanced relationship so I’m not speaking to what she should or shouldn’t do.

@holidaybliss I read your update on p. 13 and your DH sounds relentlessly awful. I think you need to start making plans to leave him. I would seek advice when you get home, from a solicitor. Honestly, you can't have your kid grow up in that environment, its toxic.

How am I saying that at all? Did you actually read the update I was referring to?

My partner criticizes me a lot: my clothes aren't good enough, my hair should be done differently when I'm about to walk out the door, they had a better bringing up than me and they want to remind me all the time and the latest is criticizing me to the baby. When there is an issue it's "mama doesn't care enough about your nappy does she, she'd much rather play on her phone". Where playing on my phone is actually booking the restaurant we will be eating at. Meanwhile he has read an entire book in the last 4 days. I have tried communicating this to him nicely, saying that when you say this to the baby, they will grow up to either treat others like this or accept this form of treatment. It seems that when I have the baby it's his time to enjoy doing nothing, but I never get that and get criticized constantly. There are no nice comments, if i say can't you say something nice about what I'm doing he says, "well you can't starve the baby" or "well you can't leave the baby filthy", to him what I'm doing is the bare minimum. So my shout was to tell him to stop criticizing me all the time.

No, that would be abusive.

I meant it's ok as in it's natural, not that it's good.. Just like hitting someone or throwing things is not good. The people acting like shouting every now and then is positive or necessary are way off IMO.

Yes.
Shouting at your husband as expression of emotion and part of emotional support is normal.
And this case seems an extremely horrible case of a abusive husband.

Why toy with her by winding her up further?

I think this is part of the issue here to be honest, a lot of people are adamant that shouting and losing your temper with your partner is 'normal', while some people here are saying it isn't the 'norm' for them, it doesn't mean that they are 'holier than thou' or that they never have frustrations or never voice them.. and it's not for the purpose of winding OP up or to make her feel bad, it's just a difference in what people deem as acceptable behaviour when dealing with conflict resolution within your own relationship.

OPs default responses throughout this thread are as is she is taking most of the comments about people not shouting within their relationships as a personal attack.. probably because she is criticised so much by her DH, it's her default position to become defensive.

I think OPs DH is out of line, and the fact that OP is having to shout and lose her temper at him at all speaks of much much bigger issues within their relationship. But it will all be for nothing, shouting at each other often doesn't achieve the results you want, it just escalates things to a point where one of you has to escalate further or back down, it like a game a chicken, it may make you feel a little better to have 'got your frustration out' but it doesn't make the problems go away. The only way for that to happen is for one or both to realise that they are being unreasonable and take steps to change how they make the other person feel.. not just fight and make up all the time.

Someone call the police to rescue @Sweden99's husband and children from her

You beat me to it. 😂 was literally typing that I hope he gets the help he probably needs.

People probably don’t reach the apex of their grandiloquence when shouting, no.

However there is a huge difference between shouting abuse and something like “ can’t you see I’m trying! And you are not exactly reinforcing or helping with all your criticism about the nappy changing and how I look - when I already know I’m looking rubbish.”

And that is exactly what I said that he sounds emotionally abusive…..I think you need to re read what I posted.

”Reading OPs recent update he sounds emotionally abusive and that is the real issue here”

I agree that I think she was already feeling defensive before coming to this post.

I think she needs some friendly words.

I don’t think - given the basis on which she posted- she is about to start shouting again.

Reading OPs recent update he sounds emotionally abusive and that is the real issue here

👏

Why be annoyed/upset/worried?

First of all, the events might all be unconnected to the argument you had.

Second, if they were related then all that happened is that someone got a bit worried about someone raising their voice (unnecessarily, it seems) and contacted the hotel reception. They in turn found nothing to be concerned about.

You're overthinking this. Enjoy your holiday and stop worrying about what random people in a hotel and (now) random people on Mumsnet think.

And if you're overwhelmed and your partner's not doing enough, ask him to do more. My DH is autistic and is absolutely terrible at sensing what might help in a given situation. He really does need to know precisely what outcome I expect, which can be extremely tiring as to me it's obvious. But it's just how his brain works. Perhaps your partner is similar, but regardless you must advocate for yourself if you're feeling unsupported. If that doesn't help, or if you can't do that without either/both of you taking it personally then there are far bigger issues in your relationship.

That’s rubbish - I mean that’s a rubbish situation not the assertion is rubbish.

apology accepted

Sorry, I wrote badly, I was agreeing with you. MY fault, I was unclear.

@PixieLaLar, While you think I am too soft, I have had two other posters go for the opposite extreme!
I think I will have to take more time over my posts to be clearer! :D

Btw poo and needing to poo is not really an emotion is it …

It really is deplorable behaviour.

Maybe they should have a “brief shout” like OP so they aren’t so pent up they have to find an outlet for their negativity by coming on here to crush an OP who has reached out for support. And it’s always obvious those little 🤣 emojis at other people’s comments are little leaks in the emotional container.

A bit agog at all the 'we never shout' people. How wonderfully controlled you are 😇...

Do people really never shout at their spouses??? Goodness. What do you do when they boil wash all your clothes and make them unusable 😶?

I think the hotel checking on you was a courtesy OP. Obviously you're fine, and I get that it's a bit embarrassing, but you see so many horror stories on MN for example... maybe the hotel has had some bad incidences previously.

I'd wait until baby is a bit older for your next holiday! Hopefully your DP will be a more competent dad by then too - it takes some people a while to get the hang of it all.