Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

Because that would suggest I think the OP was wrong for raising her voice. I don’t, and I haven’t said she was.

Lots of us are lucky enough to have DH and dc who respond to spoken reasoning.

Fab. Not sure what your point is though.

But plenty of people are saying it. Without a suggestion, it leaves her feeling attacked with nowhere to go. I’m not going to suggest explanation as my family listen to that but I know plenty don’t.

My point is some poor woman is away from home, with a baby, getting driven up the wall by her feelings. She has reached out for solidarity- a sensible move in theory- only to be lambasted with criticism and holier than thou statements about how she’s reacted wrongly and others would “ never” do it.

And it would be different if she had done something truly awful, but she hasn’t.

IMO this is very twisted logic. So if you don't shout, you start beating people up?

Actually to me, it's the opposite. Once you start going down the path of "you have to express your negative energy in forceful ways", the logical conclusion is a bit of physical violence here and there.

Maybe you go from shouting, to whacking a table or slamming a door or pushing something over to express your shouty point, to getting a bit pushy or handsy in the vicinity of the other person, to sometimes laying hands on the other person, etc.... After all you can't help letting out what you feel!

Definitely not saying all shouters end up using physical force, but I'm sure the opposite is true: everyone who's violent at home also shouts/verbally abuses. It's all part of the "express all negative feelings, let it all out, you don't need to control yourself" school of thought.

Don't get me wrong, when really pissed off, I also want to shout at and sometimes hit my DH/kids/etc. I think most parents/spouses have felt that flash of physical anger welling up.

To me though, you don't just shit in the street just cause you feel like shitting. It's normal to lose control (shout, hit, etc), but to frame it as healthy is a bit weird. It's emotionally incontinent and there are better ways to express yourself than shouting, raging, hitting.

i didn’t say any of that though, but you seem to be picking solely on my posts. I actually said in the OPs position I may shout too.
Maybe trawl through and find someone who has said what you’re actually complaining about to pick on?

Just give her a break. She isn’t being violent.

Really you’ve never had a moment of rage with a friend or partner. Come off it.

I wasn't talking about her, but you 😂specifically your point that "It’s when it cannot gets expressed that it becomes a bigger problem like violence."

To me that's twisted logic. If you don't shout, you'll start beating people up? It's more likely the opposite - shouting matches are more likely to turn physical, as each person seeks to "express" (as people so euphemistically put it) their negative emotion...

Yes but just now she is a “ cauldron” if you want to word it that way of exhaustion, self-doubt and frustration. She’s needing support.

“Like” violence. Not solely. Plenty of people have pent up emotion that doesn’t express itself either of these ways.

@Calliopespa and just anecdotally, the most shouty people I have known are always the most physical ones too. Stomping, slamming, throwing, hitting even.

Like I said everyone shouts but if you think of it as a legitimate regular form of expression, chances are you are pretty physical and it won't take much for you to lay hands on someone in a fit of rage too, if you get angry enough.

Oh, fair enough!
Women do have to deal with negative emotions and I think the majority of men should be able to accept being shouted at if their wife has had a bad day and needs to let it out.
That is hardly the same as shouting at a colleague, child or friend!

@Youdontevengohere, in the case of this thread, it is also his fault, so the shouting is extra reasonable!

I don’t think anyone has said an acceptable form of “ regular “ expression.

But when she’s been driven to post on here, she’s clearly feeling in need of an outlet. Why toy with her by winding her up further?

And that’s exactly the sort of other outlet I mean. So many people on here come to hit - and the more vulnerable the op sounds, often the harder they push their head under. I just find it so cruel.

Would you be saying the same thing if it was a man hollering at his wife? Would you be saying 'poor guy, away from home, driven up the wall'? Or would you be sympathising with the one on the receiving end of his lack of self-control?

Well that’s your anecdote. But it’s also true that people who resort to violence actually tend NOT to be able to express themselves verbally. I guess it would all depend what they are shouting wouldn’t it. Inarticulate insults wouldn’t really count as being verbal.

Yes I don't think that reflects real life.....mumsnet has a thing about it being a cardinal sin to shout and apparently nobody on here ever loses their temper as its not 'adult behaviour' 🙄

If the baby was in the room then not good, and I would say it was appropriate and vigilant for others to raise a concern but as the baby wasn't (assuming they knew this?) I think it's rather OTT for you to have been reported.It doesn't sound like some long drawn out argument which went on for ages in the middle of the night or something and kept everyone awake either.

Truthfully, if a man got to the point he posted saying I’m exhausted, my wife is criticising the way I parent but not parenting herself and I’m worried ( worried, mind you; we don’t know anyone heard anything so it could indeed be very minor) that I was overheard briefly shouting , I’d tell him not to be too hard on himself but ( as I said to op) don’t do it again.

Because its normal to let your emotions out more with the people you live with...

Is "penting things up" such a negative thing though? When we stop ourselves from punching someone, or shitting our pants, or grabbing someone else's food when we're hungry, we're also resisting a natural urge. Is that so bad for us?

If I could go shout at lots of kids/colleagues/family members who piss me off and also give them a good whack, God that would feel good, but only for me 😂 not for them! In the long run, I think blind rage would also sabotage my critical thinking and emotional reflection skills.

Given the harm it can pose to others if done on a regular basis, perhaps "penting up" our punches, shouts, etc temporarily is a good thing? And then we can find a less harmful method of release later on!

Again, losing control (shouting/lashing out/being physical) may be instinctive and natural, but that doesn't mean it's positive or necessary. It's ok once or twice but I don't get the people on this thread arguing it's healthier on a regular basis.

Essentially, to go back to the earlier crude analogy, you and your family are taking great big shits on each other's heads whenever you feel like it, and the residue remains.

YABU - they hotel were giving you both notice to behave yourselves.

You and your H need to sit down and start communicating. Maybe when you get home, tell him it's time to do counseling. Yes, you'll probably end up arranging it.

You don't just shout at someone because you feel put upon or tired or anxious. And your H needs to stop being a passenger along for the ride. These topics could be addressed in relationship counseling.

Arranging activities seems a bit ambitious for a first holiday with a baby in tow. Don't arrange anything for the rest of the holiday. Don't plan. Don't feel you have to be on the go or filling your days.

Sit back and be lazy. The baby won't notice and won't care, and it seems to me you may be tired and feeling pressured.

YYY to @mhmmmok

I don't think anyone at all is very measured, articulate and eloquent when they shout, to be fair. I'm not sure I would divide shouting into "positive, eloquent verbal expressions" and "negative inarticulate insults". You could just have a conversation for the former, surely.