Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

You come across as argumentative, sarcastic & generally unwilling to listen to anyone else.

She really doesn’t. She’s just trying to defend herself in the face of overwhelming nastiness.

@NeedToChangeName

It's an anonymous forum. Why would I make false claims that my DH and I never shout at each other?

Gee, let’s think 🤔 Could to make OP feel worse, same as everyone else in this pile-on? 🤷‍♀️

OP, iI hope this makes you feel better - when we took our baby on holiday at 5 months (self-catering in the UK - a lot easier than holidaying abroad) we got caught in snow which delayed our arrival by about 4 hours, and I ended up shouting at the Duke of Sutherland - who was in no way responsible for anything!

And he was absolutely lovely, took the tearful ravings of an exhausted mother all in his stride, and settled us into the holiday cottage (not his job!), all whilst expressing great empathy, understanding and care.

I'm sure your holiday neighbour was just concerned, OP, and operating on 'better safe than sorry', so don't let it ruin your holiday. The vast majority of people know that the early years (and the early months especially, IME) can be very fraught.

I found it got a hell of a lot easier as they got older.

Come on. It is normal to shout at husbands to let out frustrations at them of anything.

AIBU? I am staying in a hotel, for a short holiday. I've had an awful year, my husband left me, I lost my job and then my flat, and had to move back in with my parents, who are elderly. They were so concerned about my deteriorating health they scraped together the funds to surprise me with this holiday. It was wonderful the first day, and then this couple with a little baby arrived and moved into the room next door. The baby can't help being a baby, but I've not been able to sleep or really relax since. And then the couple started arguing, it went on and on, and then the wife started to shout at her husband. It was awful, so I asked at reception if I could be moved to a quieter room...

For some. I have never shouted at my husband, and he has never shouted at me either. It would feel really weird to yell at each other. I don’t shout at colleagues, friends, other family members etc, so why would I shout at him?
Having said that, the OP’s husband sounds like a dick and I can’t promise I wouldn’t have shouted at him in this scenario.

@HoppingPavlova well that was sanctimonious, how charming.

OP’s husband sounds super annoying - I’d shout at him too and I don’t even know him!

I work for a charity that provides training on domestic abuse - one sector of this is holiday companies, flight companies etc. The likelihood is that they are trained to look for signs as you would be surprised how often holidays cause domestic abuse situations to arise.

I am not saying that your situation is this I am just flagging that they will be doing their due diligence and job by looking out for you and your family.

just to say I don’t think you’re being defensive or argumentative. I totally agree with you. The people on this thread saying they don’t argue and think perhaps there’s something wrong with you or your relationship are the same people who think that an argument or a shouting match should result in a divorce. I just think people like that have had a very easy life and they have no idea of the struggle that a lot of people are going through.

@Youdontevengohere, I would hope your husband has not shouted at you, that would be abuse. It would also be completely out of place at work.
If your husband has been in a few relationships before, I am sure he was was shouted at. Women also need to be able to express their emotions and those will be negative sometimes. It gives emotional support in the relationship. It is a shame MN holds posters to unrealistically high standards.
And we agree about OP's husband

I really agree with this OP. I think the thing with the manager - and possibly even the maid - was just a guilty conscience on your part putting two and two together to make three. If it really was just a brief shout, it’s something people will have heard before despite all the polystyrene cut out people on here who never raise their voice claiming otherwise.( But don’t let rip again … )

Your DH sounds like a pain, but then again maybe you are not at your best either with all you have been through with the birth etc. Holidays can heighten tension because we want them to be perfect, yet often - especially with children - they are more sand up your butt crack, itchy vagina, wrong brand of baby wipes and a room temperature little ones can’t sleep properly in. Then when you post on MN and have a string of responses telling you you’re aggressive/ problematic/ ruining everyone’s holiday ( when they honestly might not have heard/ minded) and your DH is binnable and not like their DH they have efficiently whipped into shape and now operate via a remote control device, you have ended up feeling worse. None of us were there; this thread is conjecture.

Try to ignore the people on here making your holiday worse by telling you you need a divorce. I am sure you are somewhere lovely. Try to take the opportunity to talk to DH about things and both chill a bit. Is there a babysitter at the hotel? No one’s life is picture perfect all the time. It doesn’t mean you need to hit restart and jettison it. And if you do, there’s time for that hereafter. Try now to have a nice time.

Oh I definitely express negative emotions, I just don’t shout. Honestly I would find it really weird to shout at an adult.

Or a child either, I don’t shout at my kids. I’m not a shouter.

Well you probably bottle it up and it all sqwooshes out in some other confusing fashion. Unless of course you simply don’t have emotions.

Mensnet or Meansnet?

Honestly I never knew the world was so full of snidey cows before I dipped into mumsnet.

In the same way OP shouldn't be criticized for losing her temper and shouting at her husband, other people on the thread shouldn't be criticised or mocked for not ever resorting to shouting..

The poster you're highlighting literally says in the post before that she expresses negative emotions, she just doesn't shout..

It frustrates me on here sometimes, the people saying they don't shout aren't saying that to make OP feel bad, or to feel superior, it's in response to the people saying that 'everybody shouts at their partner', when to be honest they just don't.

IMO frequent shouting and fall outs are a byproduct of an unhealthy dynamic and would normally indicate bigger problems within the relationship.

Gosh no, not at all. I’m perfectly capable of expressing emotion. I just don’t do it by yelling. Why is that something to be criticised?

Thank you for this. I haven’t criticised the OP. I said her husband sounds like he’s being a prick so I don’t know whether or not I’d shout in that situation. I was just responding to posters who say everyone shouts in their relationships. We don’t.

Can of course totally relate to holidays (and any days) being stressful with little ones.

Sounds to me like your partner is very toxic and just adds to that stress. So no wonder you lost your temper.

But I would definitely mention if I heard shouting (angry/upset) in a hotel. Mainly out of concern for the woman/children involved.

My DH and I never shout. Just not how we communicate nor either of our families and so to us it would seem like a serious situation and not something 'normal'.

Well that’s exactly it: unless a person simply doesn’t feel emotions, we all feel tension and it all comes out one way or another. It’s when it cannot gets expressed that it becomes a bigger problem like violence.

And you are right that frequent shouting is a cause for concern because it evidences large amounts of tension and can spiral into an abusive situation. But raising your voice from time to time is a normal human outlet which can prevent things escalating.

But you will have your own outlets.

But equally you’re equating ‘expressing emotion’ with ‘shouting’. I express negative emotion without shouting. We’re all different 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Why don’t you share it with OP then ? She has reached out as she is clearly under pressure.

Outlets? What for? Not every person is a seething cauldron of resentment, aggression, or rage.

This, it isn't normal to shout at each other. It is perfectly normal to disagree and it is also possible to do so without shouting.