Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

I have. And I expect many others too. But it's much more fun on MN to be smug than empathetic.

But yes I have shouted at my DH. Yes I've listened my temper.

I'd be mortified if someone complained or I was approached by the hotel.

You've got my sympathy. I think you just need to try and shrug it off and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Being a bit rubbish is forgivable in the early stages, OP. But I absolutely don't like the way he is criticising you at all. He needs to stop..Now.

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry people are being nasty, please ignore them. Well done for standing up for yourself against your horrible partner.

I really think you should leave him. The way he is speaking to you is not acceptable.

You deserve so much more. Right now he should be supporting you, caring for you, offering kindness and praise, particularly as he is ‘not able’ to offer any practical support.

I think you will find parenting alone far less stressful than continuing with someone who seems to take great pleasure in knocking you down. Xx

OP you're obviously in a really crappy relationship situation and I'm sure everyone's sorry you're having to deal with that and hopes you find a way out of it (myself included). But you're ignoring the whole point of peoples' replies which is that it's incredibly rude to cause such a disturbance that other people trying to enjoy their holiday have to report it to the hotel management, and if you were loud enough that people in the next room heard you then you were shouting too loud and for too long. Every time someone points that out, you get defensive and argumentative. You've even said "I couldn't care less about how this 5 minute argument apparently ruined someone's holiday", and that's just not very nice.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture, it's not all about you.

I think your issue is not so much the argument, but the dead weight you're carrying around with you.

You know he is an arsehole right? Seriously?

If your friend told you this, what would you say?
My partner criticizes me a lot: my clothes aren't good enough, my hair should be done differently when I'm about to walk out the door, they had a better bringing up than me and they want to remind me all the time and the latest is criticizing me to the baby. When there is an issue it's "mama doesn't care enough about your nappy does she, she'd much rather play on her phone". Where playing on my phone is actually booking the restaurant we will be eating at. Meanwhile he has read an entire book in the last 4 days. I have tried communicating this to him nicely, saying that when you say this to the baby, they will grow up to either treat others like this or accept this form of treatment. It seems that when I have the baby it's his time to enjoy doing nothing, but I never get that and get criticized constantly. There are no nice comments, if i say can't you say something nice about what I'm doing he says, "well you can't starve the baby" or "well you can't leave the baby filthy", to him what I'm doing is the bare minimum. So my shout was to tell him to stop criticizing me all the time.

I don't think you need counselling.

I think you need a divorce (seriously)

Your husband is at best useless and at worst, deeply unpleasant

Taking into account your update and the sorts of emotionally abusive comments your dh regularly makes, I’m not surprised a guest was concerned over hearing your “interactions”

I think it’s concerning just reading it. He’s abusive.

Youre taking this “report” as a personal criticism.
It’s great if people around you are checking you’re ok.
I don’t think you are x

No offense but your post kind of proves tbe point further? If tensions become even more mutually heightened / abusive, this sounds like exactly the screwed up / dysfunctional sort of family setup that people tend to be concerned about & report

This. Other people don't want to hear your arguments. They're on holiday too!

You're so unreasonable.

Based on your update, your partner seems like a horrible person who has zero respect for you & if he continues to talk to your child about you like that, which he will have more opportunity to do without you knowing once they become a little less dependent on breastfeeding then your child will grow up not respecting you either.
You have a far bigger problem that someone hearing you argue on holiday.
You should be angry with your partner, and I don't think arguments are abnormal in those stressful baby days but I would really be considering what I want for the future and insisting on couples therapy if my husband treated me the way yours has treated you! You deserve compassion from him, none of us are perfect parents but you have to work as a team and avoid criticising each other to get through it as best you can. He doesn't sound like he cares about your feelings at all.

Clearly, having read the thread, the marriage is shit and should probably end. But that's honestly a separate issue.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get angry and shout at your partner , no . You’re human .

However, guests hearing this don’t know anything about your relationship. They heard shouting and there was a baby in the room . It could have been a DV situation and them reporting it could have saved you - so they did the right thing .

I know of someone , years ago now , who had a bad argument on holiday with her partner and he beat her up . He locked her in the hotel room for 2 days . She was black and blue . She was trapped , he took her phone . Someone heard him shouting and called the manager , who came to check and discovered it all . Had they not I dread to think how that could have ended .

However, guests hearing this don’t know anything about your relationship. They heard shouting and there was a baby in the room . It could have been a DV situation and them reporting it could have saved you - so they did the right thing

Exactly this too. As well as the disturbance factor, they were probably concerned.

My old neighbour was always having awful "arguments" with his girlfriend, often in the middle of the night, causing a terrible disturbance. She was, it seems, just as bad, shouting and screaming back at him. They sounded like one of those "shouty couples" who yelled at each other and broke things in arguments. One night I'd had enough and reported it.

Turned out her shouting and screaming was because he was actually raping her repeatedly. The night I heard furniture being broken and reported it, he was raping her at knifepoint, which I found out when I read the story of his incarceration in the local paper some months later.

He ended up in jail on a 15+ year sentence.

The hotel manager was totally out of order.

Fine for him to have a quiet word if you were shouting too loudly. NOT fine to bring up elements of the argument and give his two cents. That's creepy and invasive as hell. When you get home, make a complaint about him to the hotel owner.

Also, sad that there are so many women on this thread automatically siding with the manager. Ooooh, Man in Authority has told me off...must obey! 120 years of feminism and still way too many women are way too male-identified.

They're telling the truth. They just don't have the energy to shout as their last meal was a massive salad six days ago.

Oh my!! That’s awful !

See , for this reason - I am completely in support of people calling authorities out of concern .

Some , admittedly , are not out of concern . I once had a neighbour who didn’t like me for no particular reason - she didn’t like anyone - who once reported me to social services , claiming she had heard my child screaming and crying . Now , this was true - she was terribly loud as a toddler - she is autistic - and had it just been this I think I would have understood and been glad that people are out there trying to protect children. I had absolutely nothing to hide so I want concerned . However , this person ( anonymous but it was quite clear it was her ) also said she had been in my house and seen me pushing her across the room every time she approached me . This was a complete lie , so in that respect I don’t feel that the call was out of concern but rather malice . But still , although it was upsetting and quite embarrassing , ultimately it was good to know that social services investigate these things because in my case it was unfounded but sadly in many cases it isn’t

OP, people (including me) are suggesting you reach out for support from health visitor, GP, or therapist because of what you have written. Not because of one isolated incident of snapping at your husband.

As per your posts, you have had a traumatic birth, a 2 week stay in hospital following that birth, you are exhausted, you have a very unsupportive husband, your husband says, frankly, quite abusive things to you, you have lost your temper, and all your posts have been angry. You have also intimated that your baby may not be the best sleeper and breastfeeding hasn’t been easy.

It is ok to reach out for support from the services who are there to provide it. Many of us have struggled after having a baby. Many of us have found that once reaching out, things have felt easier to deal with. A HV, GP or therapist can’t change your DH’s behaviour, but they can help to make you feel stronger and less exhausted. You don’t need to have PND to get a bit of help. Just feeling over-tired or overwhelmed or just generally unhappy with your lot is enough.

It really was awful, and I was just as guilty as anyone of assuming they were just a volatile shouty couple until the police called me back on the number I'd called from to report the incident and asked if I'd be willing to make a statement.

While he was a pain in the arse to be a neighbour of and there was a bit of criminal activity going on from time to time, he'd always been polite to me (isn't that always the way?) - but the trial reporting revealed he had multiple previous convictions for assaulting women with weapons and I had no idea. I'd lived underneath him as a woman on my own for years.

Scary stuff.

None of this is relevant to the OPs story of course (let's hope, at least) but it does show that reporting isn't always done as a judgement.

Op I genuinely think that if your neighbours had reported you, it’s really unlikely they’d have divulged the exact cause of the argument. Can you imagine calling reception and saying ‘our neighbours are having a loud argument about the dirty dishes being left by the side of the dishwasher, not being put directly in the machine’. I mean, you wouldn’t do it, would you? You’d report the noise, not the content of the row! So unless the manager came and listened at the door, I’d be surprised if he knew the nature of your argument. It’s possible he was just making a random misjudged comment that sounded a bit odd. You need to forget about his comment to you.

Your obvious problem is your husband. This is no way to live and I’m not one for telling posters to LTB but honestly, this situation is awful and I’m not surprised you shouted at him. Try and enjoy some moments with your baby before you come home if you can but if I were you, I’d start thinking about what I was going to do when I got home. Best of luck.

Ditto - not normal and especially in a public place. Credit to the person/s that reported this

It sounds like you're annoyed at the person who reported you when really you should be annoyed at your partner for being an abusive prick. You deserved a rest on your holiday. Instead of trying to normalise the fact your holiday was shit, you should put your energy into wondering if your life would actually be easier without him. If the answer is yes, then you should leave him.

Bellowing is not normal, though I have certainly done it at home, when going through a tough time.

Raising your voice, being irritable and snappy - does anyone not?

You're on holiday. Hide this thread and go enjoy yourselves. No one is perfect and a short row on day 1 isn't anything to stress over x

FWIW, I love DH dearly, we have been together 25 years, married 20, but I found our first time away with DD1 (18 now) utterly stressful and shit and felt so shellshocked compared with holidays before having children.

So much to remember and take with you everywhere! No lie ins, not relaxing, DD sleeping worse than at home, I thought we may as well have been at home.

By the time DD2 arrived I took it far more in my stride. Hope you are ok, OP.

I’m really sorry OP, it sounds very difficult. I went on holiday with my little one for the first time just before he turned 5 months and also found it very difficult: he was waking up 3/4 times a night and I was exhausted, even though my husband is hands on. What your husband is doing is very wrong: not helping with the baby and constantly criticising you. I hope there’s a resolution in sight for the issues you’re currently facing and that your motherhood journey becomes easier. Also ignore everyone who refuses to understand/ show some compassion. I believe this website was created as a support network for mums but I believe it is mostly the opposite. All the best 🌺