Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

@holidaybliss
There are several comments about how I should have come on the thread saying how I shouted and feel awful and how bad I should feel for someone in a nearby room to hear this on their holiday. But I don't.

I see exactly where you are coming from. In my opinion, there is a time for losing one's cool and even shouting. It gives a clear message to the other person that they have gone too far. It gives the opponent the chance to reconsider their stance or continue knowing the chance of a huge escalation. I definitely don't advocate doing it often, but it has it's place.

I don't think it's healthy to swallow our feelings with a constant bright smile and comforting words. No wonder our mental services are in crisis with so many people suffering from it's various forms.

WE often raise our voices when we are massively stressed (without being aware of it happening) so I'm now wondering if there is a connection within our brain between being stressed and the brain looking for a way of relieving that stress....

Tired + stressed + new baby = frayed nerves and arguments

Crying baby + rowing couple in hotel room = unhappy guests in adjoining room

No one’s been unreasonable really!

The hotel manager sounded lovely- very understanding and reassuring.

Clearly you’re struggling at the moment and want to lash out at everyone.

It’s totally understandable but doesn’t make you feel any better ☹️

I would report if I heard this on holiday. I've been in situations in my past relationship where I wish someone had reported me being shouted at by my ex. They have a duty of care and are doing their job well. It may be normal for you but it wasn't for me and I was in trouble. Thankfully been out the situation for years (he's serving an 8 year prison sentence).

Think you’re getting some harsh treatment here, OP. I certainly do shout at my husband on occasion, and I have shouted at my DD too (obviously not when she was a baby). Babies are stressful and so is travelling. I certainly wouldn’t think twice about hearing some shouting in an adjacent hotel room for a short time. Outbursts happen. after years of planning and doing everything on holidays and feeling very stressed and resentful towards my partner who thought his job was to just show up, I solved the problem by refusing to go on holiday with him anymore. Now I go on holiday alone with my DD. we have a great time. There is no shouting. And I come back feeling relaxed.

Lots of people don't express themselves in anger by shouting at each other. My mum used to shout and I hated it, so I don't do it - also it hurts my voice! (I am much more pass agg than that anyway!). If I was staying in a hotel on a relaxing break and the couple in the next room were yelling at each other, I would be both concerned and annoyed tbh - although obviously how concerned/annoyed would depend on what exactly I was overhearing.

First 6 months we argued a lot. Shouting was rare but did happen. Once memorably we were at a national trust property and had a row in the gift shop. 3 women approached me to check I was ok. This was all a bit of wake up call for us that we need to communicate better if our behaviour is so concerning to others. We can only go off what you have said. Other guests were obviously concerned. If you are sure you’re fine and want to make it about them then do that.

😂😂😂 never argued with your partner?? you must be the most boring people alive

Unless I've misread the situation, the husband can't stand up long enough to change a nappy?

How did he manage to get on holiday at all?

Probably best to book him into another hotel, you'll be much better just dealing with the baby yourself, not a baby plus an critical (but not helpful) partner

@holidaybliss Oh OP I was going to say that first holiday with DD and DH at 1yr old was a total nightmare, i was so stressed the whole time and we did snap at each other but now I've read your update re:criticism I'd say maybe you had a right to snap, and that maybe if you were reported, it was out of concern for you? That maybe DH isn't being very nice or kind.

I'd also say the manager/staff member noticed how stressed you were rather than reacting to a report about you and thought they'd share their holiday nightmares with DC too (because tbh that's what I would do and have done... I've two under 3, whenever I see someone with two babies close in age and struggling I try to find some way to either commiserate or help.)

Forget about it now, try to enjoy the rest of your holiday and just shut off from the comments. And maybe think about what you want going forward.

🤣

Also noticed how people who start their posts with ‘to be honest’ are invariably anything but honest?

Considering this site is called Mumsnet it seems to be a pretty hostile and nasty place for mum's who maybe come looking for a bit of sympathy and support.

It's more like, "we've all been through it so stop fucking moaning."

Lovely.

Good luck op.

It’s hard to go away with bub under 2 yr. Our first was when baby was 13 months as it wouldn’t feel like a holiday but it seems hard sometimes

OP, try not to overthink it. Perhaps it was mentioned and the manager just wanted to reassure you. He mentioned arguing with his wife over the baby, so perhaps that was his way of saying, its been noticed you argued, but hey we've all been there.
and haven't we all been there? There do seem to be some perfect people on this thread who sailed through everything without a raised voice! I'm not one of them and I can imagine there have been times when mine were little and exDP was not helping or being a selfish knob that I may well have raised my voice in tiredness and frustration.
Try not to let it worry you, you've enough to think about holidaying with a small baby. Arguments happen. I've heard plenty of disagreements when on holiday.
I hope it did the trick with your DH and he will step up a bit more. Sometimes it takes us losing our shit for the people we are losing our shit at to realise we'd appreciate some bloody help!
You're doing grand.
Its not like you were hurling stuff across the room at him. Although I can imagine there are plenty of women when holidaying with a small baby and a useless DH who have been tempted to do just that!😂

ABwith

nope don’t argue, not boring couple. Patience is the key. Looks like her husband is not patient and bad temper

I think people are being harsh here.

You've just had a baby. Going away with young kids is stressful. You're not sleeping. Mums know this feeling. You lost your temper. It happens.

All these people claiming to never have raised their voice? Hmmmm.....

Try to enjoy your holiday, OP. Today is a new day.

Actually I would scream like a banshee at my husband and have raised my voice at him quite a few times as the stress of doing absolutely bloody everything for nearly 6 years because of his mental health and now zero job situation is overwhelming. I have substituted it for hissing at him. ;-) Much easier on my vocal chords. I am also reintroducing yoga and walking. I absolutely get where you are coming from. Hotels have paper walls in many instances and you can be overheard easily. The other person wasn´t really being unreasonable and it seems others were sympathetic to your situation. Just note it and move on.

I have lost my temper many times. But not sufficient that anyone has contacted anyone. Reflect on the situation.

Caravaggiouch · Yesterday 19:27
YABU. I’d complain too if I was them. Keep your bloody voices down”

This. It’s that simple.

Op i think people have been harsh here.

I have a 5 month old, am exhausted and hate my life. I don’t really shout at my DH as much as ‘cry loudly’ at him out of desperation. I do also shout at home as i have a 3 year old who hits me and throws things at me.

But i think where you went wrong was doing it in a hotel tbh. Taking a step back and thinking about this rationally, a hotel isn’t a suitable place to have a row with anyone is it. Just forget about it and move on. Not nice for the staff to make you feel like shit about it though.

It is exhausting having a 5 month old however other people have the right to have their holiday too without hearing domestics and not sure why my post was deleted either.

Not nice to make the staff make you feel shit

I thought the hotel staff sounded pleasant? The manager was understanding and reassured op that these things happen with a new baby.

Dont over think it is my advice. Don’t take it so personally x

Some people are really harsh on you. I have shouted at my partner and would most definitely have shouted at yours if I was in your place. And I know plenty of people that never shout, but are awful- passive aggressive, critical, and dismissive of others, all done in a calm 'I'm better than you' way .
Your partner sounds absolutely awful. Instead of trying to get him to do things, maybe it's worth channelling your energy into creating a support network and getting your ducks in a row to leave the relationship as soon as possible.
Don't listen to your partner's critisism, don't listen to the criticism here. You are great and deserve better. Best of luck

It is exhausting having a 5 month old however other people have the right to have their holiday too without hearing domestics and not sure why my post was deleted either.

Life happens and you might have to hear shouting for a couple of minutes occasionally, no matter how much you've paid to be somewhere. Piling on to the OP when she's clearly fragile is just horrible.

Yes the manager was definitely pleasant, I have no idea if it was just a coincidence that he brought this up. We haven't had a telling off or been told anyone has complained.

Lots of comments about how I am defensive and argumentative on here, here's what's happened, I shouted at my partner asking them not to criticize me in front of the baby, so far I have been told:

• I seem unwell
• I could have post natal depression
• I need counseling

The huge amount of posts from people who never shout or get angry or argue in anyway and who have amazing partners who contribute so much, just made me feel pathetic. The people who told me I should have stayed at home, shouldn't have had a baby, shouldn't have got married, are equally unhelpful.

Thankyou to those who have gone out of their way to be nice and to Mumsnet for stepping in and reminding people to be compassionate.

If I were in this situation and heard this kind of argument I would consider this normal life and not bother complaining, clearly there are many people who would be straight on the phone with any form of noise coming from the next room on holiday and they all seem to be in this thread.

OP you just sound very angry with the world (including all the randoms on here and the hotel staff).

Your dp might be rubbish but you really need to find a way to calm down and work through the issues a little bit?

He's rubbish and not pulling his weight? So calmly sit down and have an adult conversation on how you move forward.

You're finding the baby hard work? Can you compare notes with your NCT group? Speak to your health visitor? By 5 months it's generally getting a little easier.

Also take some time for you. Leave the baby with your partner for some time so you can get a massage/go for a walk/have a sleep. It'll be good for all of you.