To think most women on here hate men

[Tanyahawkes]

Sorry for the rant but I’m noticing a pattern on mn, any post involving a man and a disagreement results in multiple calls of he’s a narcissist, he’s abusing, he’s controlling, leave the bastard!

I’ll admit that a list of posts do involve behaviour that is not nice from dh and dp. So many posts also can be interpreted in many ways too, I just feel like a large number of women jump to the worst conclusion first about a strangers partner, having only one side of a story told in a short version.

for anyone misunderstanding me, if a post says the partner is hurting physically, calling names, cheating, putting the op down, then yes I agree, ltb (so long as the post is true) it’s when a post says “great relationship, today partner upset me and we couldn’t see eye to eye” and everyone calls the poor guy a narcissist etc

🐊

In case I have not made myself clear on other comments, I’ll say this again, in previous comments, more than once, I have said that maybe I worded something badly, I’ve also said that it was a vibe based off of some comments. You seem to want an argument, that’s a very bold thing to do, tell someone they are wrong for their perception of things. Now not once have I claimed to have read every comment, I have just done this myself, as I had not done this first time around, I will admit (which I do when I actually realise I’m mistaken) re reading the post, all the way to the end this time, I get a vibe from some of the comments, but not all, the overall tone of the whole thread is different to how I previously saw it.
one comment does stand out to me of underlying tone of please consider this is abusive (not necessarily relationship, just maybe an aspect of) I’ve highlighted it.

now I do wonder if you would ever admit to a stranger online that you may have been wrong? Or are you too high up on your horse to see?

Wrong

Not gonna lie, I'm really not keen on most men.
Don't hate them all...

@PamPamPamPam What sort of Board of Directors do you sit on? Assuming you've not been at work today?

You may think I’m bitching about women who have been abused and raped, I’m not actually, because I’m not bitching about what people have been through, I’m not an insensitive person (if you knew me you would know this) I can fully see why a woman who has been through as much as the lady who posted about all of her experiences, I can see why she feels that way about men, yes of course I can, I can see if that many men have put you in those situations that yes you would actually hate every one and feel so mistrustful, scared of anything else happening. I personally would love to see everyone who did that and everyone who allowed it to happen, either through action or inaction, would love to see them get what they deserve, and personally I’m not sure there is actually a word for what that should be, how far what they deserve should go.
what I worry, is that sometimes people who have been through trauma (sometimes) can see someone’s actions as the worst case scenario, if you get what I mean, I’m going to use my own example rather than a hypothetical… when I was a child, my dads wife at the time would beat me, use me as a servant to make all drinks for guests, family members, I had to get up every day and get myself ready for school and then make sure I had made her children’s lunches, breakfast and made her a coffee, after school I had to wash up as soon as I got in daily, I’m not talking I had chores, I’m talking this woman didn’t lift a finger to do any housework, the only thing she did was cook dinner, drink beers, take cocaine and smoke weed. If I left a spot of dirt on a plate by mistake I would get clouted around the head repeatedly, my head bounced off the banister and cupboard doors, she would then use the dirty plate for my food, I had bruises on my thighs from beatings and the neighbours even heard me scream once and called the police. Because of this I would flinch if someone moved to fast near me. Flinching because of fear of being hit is the physical version of what I’m talking about, sometimes I believe people react to hearing about behaviour, and it’s like a flinch, they see something they relate to and urge the person to leave maybe, they say they believe it’s abusive. And again, it might be abusive, I’m not saying it isn’t, I am saying it might not be.

as for 3 posts saying yes I hate men, I haven’t actually counted, it seems like there’s been more, I would have said it was maybe 6 or 7, so not a huge number in comparison to how many people have commented, I do get that

Do elaborate on which part is wrong

MNHQ why was.
My post was deleted because i said some women need to wash their mouths out because of the language they use on some of the threads.
How is the above comment worse than all the effing and blinding we see on MN daily.

I did wonder what you said, I hadn’t seen your post, just that it was deleted

So to be clear I used the search function "find on page" I'm not guessing, it was 3, out of 540 pages.

You have clearly had some traumatic history and I understand your point that you think that might make someone more inclined to see trauma where there might not be any.

But in that case I hope you are relieved to find out that in the 500+ post it was far from "most women on here hate men" it was in face a tiny, very understandable, minority.

I like several individual men very much but as a sex they annoy me. The higher the testosterone, the more they grate on me.

“A very bold thing to do” would be to make a statement such as:

“so many people tried to convince the woman her partner was abusing her“

When it’s an outright, lazily researched lie. Laughably, you even admit to not even having:

“read every comment the first time around”

Now that you’ve actually read the 3 brief pages of comments, you concede:

“the overall tone of the whole thread is different to how I previously saw it.“

So you admit, your perception is wrong, therefore, you are …… (say it with me,
OP)….. W-R-O-N-G!!!!!

Why do you ask? Do you need some pointers for your career change?

Come on now, @peacefull. No use moaning, crying and arguing with MNHQ. Use your emergency phone to call for help.

🙄😂😆

Being fairly new to Mumsnet it’s handy to know about that function.
as for the shit I’ve been through, it was bad, even horrific at times, but it happened, it’s done, the past, every good and bad experience in my life has led me to where I am today, if it wasn’t for the ex wicked stepmother I wouldn’t have met my fiancé. For these reasons I wouldn’t call what I’ve experienced in my life trauma, but for the record some other people’s experiences I would call trauma, we all go through different (even when it’s not different) we all deal with/heal from/ move on from (where possible as not everyone is able to, for all different reasons) in different ways, I would say I’ve healed from my past, I do not consider myself a victim at all.

as for your last statement, maybe the title of the thread is off, it’s my first thread on here, maybe I should have said dislike rather than hate, it’s the vibe I had at the time I wrote the title. I can’t say I’ve had my mind changed on how sexist towards men women can be, and if it’s always justified or even able to be justified that sexism is ok in any form.

So you read a part where I admit to be mistaken and your one word blanket response is “wrong”

again would you admit to being mistaken? Or wrong about anything? Or are you perfect?
you are very condescending, you will probably not admit to that though

It's not a mumsnet function, its a browser function, you can do it on any website

It you go to your menu on your browser there is usually an option to search for specific words on a page, a bit like the find function in excel

I would say though, if you don't want people to argue with you, as you don't appear to have liked that, maybe when fairly new to a forum don't go in heavy handedly accusing "most" of them of doing something wrong

It's hard to have the kind of adult debate you seem to be saying you are after when everyone else is forced into a defensive position because you are in the accusatory position

And personally I don't think recognising abusive patterns of behaviour is sexist. It is however very useful for abusive people to have it classed as sexism. Regardless I've seen some of the more regular posters on this thread also advise men when they think their wives are being abusive to them. So unless that is also sexist to women then it would appear its not sexism...

I’m just about to take all my girls to boxing club, when I get there I’ll re read your comment and reply, don’t want you to think I’ve slunk away and am ignoring your reply

People who have never experienced being the target of abusive behaviour and who have little to no understanding of coercive methods of control presume that they would show greater courage and resistance than the victim in similar circumstances. Hence the tendency to account for the victim’s behaviour by seeking flaws in her personality or moral character, blaming the victim essentially. The search for characteristics of women that contribute to their own victimisation/abuse by males is futile.… It seems to be regularly forgotten or glossed over that men’s violence is men’s behaviour, so it’s not surprising that the more useful efforts to explain abusive behaviour focuses on male characteristics. What IS surprising (or maybe not) is that such a huge effort is still made by some to explain male behaviour by examining the characteristics and personality of women.

Mistaken…. Or just wrong?

Ahh yes I’ve found that function. Thankyou.

I can see how it looks, honestly when I posted the thread I had been reading so many threads over days where I actually was feeling so greatful my relationship is good, seeing a few where I was seeing that maybe it wasn’t cut and dried abuse, seeing how badly women talk about each other and to each other sometimes. And then also seeing what I perceive as sexism towards the whole male demographic instead of only saying bad things about bad people. My aim, if you will was the hope that if a discussion could possibly make people reflect on the way they talk about and to each other, because to me it’s no better for a woman to say nasty things about men because they say worse about women, and I’ve seen in real life people be swayed by other people’s opinions on their partner and leave, I was thinking how awful if majority or even a large portion of advice on a thread lead to a woman leaving a partner because she had been convinced he’s abusive, and it turns out he wasn’t, of course if a man is abusive and his partner leaves him because of advice then it’s the right outcome. I’ve just seen some very naive women in real life who act on other people’s advice when they really needed more balanced advice, etc. now maybe the thought process I should have tbh is actually if a non abusive man is left by a woman who listened to wrong advice, then maybe he had a lucky escape from the wrong partner.

when I say sexist I don’t mean recognising patterns of abuse, it’s if the advice is saying it’s a pattern of abuse, and it is maybe the person advising that’s having a sort of emotional flinch (this is obviously not a real term and I can’t think how else to say it atm, emotional maybe the wrong word entirely, but I mean what I explained earlier about if someone thinks the worst in a situation because of experiences, it being like a flinch)
this wouldn’t be something malicious, or on purpose to get it wrong in most if not all cases, but it can be harmful, and I just wanted to maybe incite a little reflection into if advice can be harmful, kind of like if someone asks for medical advice on here and then someone recounts a bad medical time for themselves when that thing turned out to be (insert scary bad health situation here) and the op works themselves into panic and full blown anxiety, when really they needed a doctor. And obviously I know this isn’t quite the same

excuse my long winded way of saying things, please ask me to elaborate if anything is unclear

Again you want an argument

If this is what you have taken from my posts, this is not intention at all, I suppose it’s a bit devils advocate like behaviour in me to sometimes see a situation as ambiguous rather than black and white, anyone who may be being controlled in any way, or abused has not done anything to warrant that being done to them, always each persons behaviour is on them, and anyone who abuses is anyway is accountable for their actions, I had to explain this to my kids teacher yesterday when a child said to her he wanted to throw a rock at her head and make her brain damaged, teacher said once cctv was checked to see if other child was near her he would ask other kids if anything had been seen, to check if my daughter provoked the other child 🤦‍♀️ I had to say to the teacher, there is nothing that warrants saying that to my daughter, had to say this 3 or 4 times

Do you in all seriousness believe that a woman happily married to a decent man who decides to vent on MN about a minor irritation is going to suddenly up sticks and leave her home, life, uproot her children because some randoms on MN say he sounds abusive? On a thread where typically the majority of posters would have given moderate balanced advice (which we have now agreed is in fact the reality on here)?
Do you think other women are really so suggestible? Or that the 'man haters' have such mystical powers of persuasion? Because if they do, do you not think they'd be better using them to persuade men to stop abusing, assaulting and killing women, rather than sit on MN persuading women to get divorces?