I've been a bitch

[Catunderling]

I have an absolutely precious DP.

I've been having cancer treatment. The side effects are hard and I haven't felt well in nearly a year. He's been amazing. Just before we met I had moved for work so none of my close friends or sister are nearby. Many are abroad so I have had remote support but haven't actually seen many people.

It was my birthday and my present from him was a knitted hat to cover a large bald patch from radiotherapy. A cashmere one, genuinely well intended but plain and, well, it looks like that's its intended purpose rather than a lovely hat. I am ashamed and appalled to say I lost it verbally (didn't call him any names, it was about how I felt) and threw a cup he bought me on the floor (not at or near him, he wasn't in the room).

I feel so awful, guilty, abusive, unappreciative.

I just didn't want a fucking knitted hat for my birthday to cover my massive bald patch, I wanted a day off from this shit. It's horrible timing because even if things go well, there's a good chance it means I'll never be a mother now which I've always wanted (late 30s). I don't know if I'll be able to see through the career change I moved away for. i really don't feel at home in the area we are in.

None of this is his fault and I feel so awful and such a burden. He said he didn't know what else to get me (I have sent loads of suggestions, and am quite easy to please). Money isn't a problem for him within reason so it isn't that he could only afford the one thing.

Even the hat is my fault, I'd mentioned getting one a few weeks ago when it was cold and id started losing hair but I got used to it and didn't mean for my birthday.

I have apologised. How do I make this up to him? I know how badly ive behaved.

He said he didn't know what else to get me (I have sent loads of suggestions, and am quite easy to please)

So he DID know what else to get you, and had no problems affording something you wanted, but for some reason couldn't be bothered and decided to give you something you didn't want and that made you feel worse. That it was cashmere is irrelevant. It could have been solid gold and studded with diamonds, that wouldn't have made it better.

I'm failing to see why you're the one feeling bad here. In his place I'd be cringing myself inside out with embarrassment that I'd been so insensitive and thoughtless, given that he must know how you feel with the treatment and the psychological and physical effects.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It's not surprising that you lashed out as a consequence of everything you're going through, and unfortunately he's taken the brunt of it. How did he take your apology? I guess if I was in this situation I would try and do something really thoughtful that would mean a lot to my husband which might be a gift, gesture, it depends on your home life, his interests etc as to what might be appropriate or well received.

once you apologised

what was his response?

you sent him loads of suggestions
he ignored them all
and then said he had no idea what to get you

ok

Perhaps DH could also make amends by giving OP something she actually wanted as asked for instead of something that made her feel worse and reminded her of her condition.

This is interesting to read as I've interpreted this as him trying to be thoughtful particularly if it's something that was mentioned recently. I could be wrong

I’m so sorry you’re having such an awful time and I hope you are on the mend.
That would have been a shit present even if you were well and it was a nice hat.
He should have done better and you are far from a bitch.

This is interesting to read as I've interpreted this as him trying to be thoughtful particularly if it's something that was mentioned recently. I could be wrong

OP had given him lots of suggestions of what she (assuming you're a she, OP, apologies if not) would like. It's not THAT difficult to remember, is it? and TBH, I;'d have thought anyone with a partner going through a tough time would be careful to get them something to take their mind off it, not remind them about it; particularly something like hair, which is an integral part of a woman's appearance.

The thing is he's done a lot for me practically and got me little gifts along the way, he's a really kind guy, just this in particular left me feeling crap.

He understands why I was upset but is a bit off and hurt still. It's like this anytime we argue (not often) he thinks because his intentions aren't bad, it doesn't really matter how things land.

As I say we haven't rowed often but a couple of times. It always feels like me apologising for raising something ive been upset with. Probably not in the exact right and zen like way but I haven't called him a useless prick or burnt the house down. I really am venting now. I fully accept I was wrong re the hat.

He understands why I was upset but is a bit off and hurt still. It's like this anytime we argue (not often) he thinks because his intentions aren't bad, it doesn't really matter how things land

Oh right, every time you're supposed to parse what he meant rather than what he did. Better ask for a crystal ball for your birthday, OP. Alternatively perhaps he could engage brain and think for five minutes about how his intentions will look to you at a very difficult time.

Only you know if he can do that, of course, as it appears he has form for this.

Why are you fully accepting you were wrong when you are not? Unless ND, any reasonable person would utterly see that this was not a thing that should of been given for a birthday. Your response was entirely predictable and understandable given what's happening. It could of been OK as a little gift along the way to help with what you are going through, but he has been idiotic.
He should be the one to apologise for upsetting you, and be getting you something else (maybe from your prior suggestions). Hold out on this one, no apologies, he was clearly in the wrong here.
It is perhaps worth thinking about why you are always the one backing down and apologising, could it be that he is conditioning you to do that by sulking and acing the victim, just to get his own way? Not very attractive or supportive is it?

It is perhaps worth thinking about why you are always the one backing down and apologising, could it be that he is conditioning you to do that by sulking and acing the victim, just to get his own way? Not very attractive or supportive is it?

Yes, this. Why do YOU always have to make the mental effort to interpret his actions and apologise if you get it wrong? (which he decides, of course).

It always feels like me apologising for raising something ive been upset with.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Along with

Just before we met I had moved for work so none of my close friends or sister are nearby. Many are abroad so I have had remote support but haven't actually seen many people

So OP is a bit isolated and reliant largely on bf, it appears.

I'm gonna assume that the suggestions you sent him were not cancer related, and he decided to ignore all of those and get you something to 'hide' the biggest, most glaring representation of your most scary and stressful problem in life right now. Something that you're probably feeling quite upset and self conscious about. Women can attach a lot of their sense of self to their hair.

Men generalisation think they're solving a 'problem' but miss the real issue so often. 'Oh you're self conscious about this? Let's cover it up. Let's give you a daily reminder of all the shit you're going through every time you wear it.' At some point in the future, hopefully recovered, you'll look at that hat and it'll bring back all your current fears and worries - emotions attach themselves to memories, which we associate with specific objects. You have nothing to feel bad about.

It's all so fucking tone deaf. Just buy something nice from the suggestions list ffs.

I suspect he didn't want to get you something off your list as he wanted to get you a surprise and he remembered you had said about wanting a hat. I know this is how my DH's mind would work.

Pity he couldn't have made the logical step to 'But that'll make her feel bad about her hair and the cancer so I'll get her something else to make her feel a bit better,' then. Something off OP's list would have been a surprise as she wouldn't have known what he was choosing.

I do feel that way, the isolation is rough and I hate being so reliant on someone relatively early but to be fair I met him after moving so it's in no way down to him.

Yes I agree with this but you've put it better than I have, I think sometimes men just don't get it and their minds work differently to ours!

I thought the same. The OP's mention of needing a hat has obviously stuck and men like to give useful practical presents. He would think the hat solved your problem with the bald patch, not that it reminded you of your illness.
As for your reaction, OP, that was down to your illness, an overreaction caused by the horrible side effects of your treatment. He'll understand when you tell him you get overwhelmed by it all sometimes.

,

A hat wasn't a good gift. Good intentions but unintentionally insulting.

Sounds like you apologised to keep the peace.

God these responses. Clinging to the one thing, that you’d sent him suggestions to making out your husband is a complete c u next Tuesday,

look he tried to do a kind thing, he got it wrong, you are under huge stress and understandably reacted. It’s ok. Just try to be kind to each other.

Poor bloke
Probably wishes he hadn't bothered

I’m agreeing with this. You mentioned you needed a hat ~ he listened and, rather than picking something off a list, tried to be thoughtful and got you something you had said was important to you. And then he gets a cup that he bought you thrown on the floor?

Look, you’re having a terrible time. Of course you’re going to be irrational, needy, angry and so much more. Forgive yourself for this and forget it but don’t blame him for how you’re feeling. He doesn’t sound horrible or mean ~ unless he is and you just haven’t said?

Maybe you need to access the support for cancer sufferers like MacMillan nurses where you can talk through these incredibly tough emotions.

Oh I can help here, although I'm not going into specifics.
You have been a bit of a bitch BUT I think it stems from fear and and anger and frustration.
He's scared too though, his life has changed, and he's probably not allowed to say as you're the 'ill' one (I've been you).
I think the hat is irrelevant, really, but I think you need to navigate how to work through this terribly difficult period. And it's really hard in a relationship, maybe one of the hardest things you'll go through.
Sit down, talk about it, say what you're both afraid off. Literally everything.
You can do this, but you need open communication.