Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

I’m a consultant surgeon. My husband works away two days a week doing a senior role. We manage between us with no paid childcare.
A basic full time job plan is 10 sessions. Most surgeons do on call so some sessions will be evening, weekends leaving some non working time during the week. I do 11 sessions or PAs and have Wed afternoons off as my kids school has no wraparound care on Wednesdays.

On my theatre day ( once a week) I work from 8-6:30 . Ward rounds are at 8am but most surgeons work in a shared emergency care way where they only do the ward rounds 1/6 or 1/8 weeks. The rest of the time I start at 9am but get there earlier to get set up.
A surgeon has 1 day a week doing personal admin which is flexible and could be done from home. They will also spend at least half a day doing patient admin or desk work.

In a nut shell around 50% of my time is flexible and I could leave work / be free to look after my child.
If there is a true emergency, DH and I talk and work out who is most able to drop everything. If I had clinic and he had a critical meeting , I would cancel my clinic but do my best to telephone patients / add them onto my next clinic as overbooks etc. If I was in theatre this would be the trump card.

Surgeons have family emergencies just like everyone else. He should be pitching in.

I take my kids to the school bus 3 mornings a week and pick them up twice so he could help if he was near enough.

I would ask your Ex DH how many PAs he does. He will have control over his job plan and may be choosing not to have some more flexible time to be available to help with childcare.

This.

I think the word 'surgeon' blinded a lot of posters to immediately being unsympathetic to the OP, as though she was expecting him to down scalpel to attend to his children.

Female surgeons upthread are managing to do school runs etc so her ex can't get away with doing nothing and I can understand her resentment, especially as the children live with her and she's the one doing the heavy lifting.

In almost all couples there is one parent whose career is better suited to being the primary parent. It’s not always the woman but in your case it appears it is.

I presume you’ve benefitted from the financial upside of being a surgeon’s wife.

Once the divorce is final he will pay you child support which is to cover the costs of being the primary parent.

If your role at work grows, use that sweet surgeon money to find a babysitter or nanny for top up care.

Looking to your husband is futile and will only cause you resentment.

I presume you’ve benefitted from the financial upside of being a surgeon’s wife.

The OP could be a high earner in her own right!

JFC it's not the 1950s!

And in any case, she's not a surgeon's wife anymore and she needs to be able to support herself now.

I can only presume it's a bot responding. So much absurd tripe. It borders comical.

I don't think you are.

You need to know what his rota is. He is probably working NHS and some private work.

Surgeons do work long days sometimes but not every day, he will have clinic days and ward rounds.

I think we have a man speaking here. Or a fine example of a 1950s throwback. Ladies, know your place — which is looking after the children while your very important husband gets on with his manly things.

It is just like you have completely ignored the actual surgeons on this thread who have explained their job plans. The op's ex will have some flexibility in his schedule, he just doesn't want to be bothered. Surgeons are relatively well paid but it really isn't the millions or "sweet surgeon money" you allude to.
The surgeon the op speaks of is also a father and has to plan accordingly. Please don't assume you know better about the situation than those who actually do the job.

No - she wants mr fucking-important to sort his own childcare

If it’s pick ups and drop offs and the children live with her why is it his childcare? Surely it’s his childcare during his contact time?

This is why CAOs need to be carefully structured with details first issues such as child illness.

It needs to be stipulated what happens in situations where the child is unable to attend school for an extended period as it doesn't work that the week day parent suffers disproportionate negative consequences to their career (as most jobs are M-F, obvs it is different if people work different days)

Typical weekend/weekday structures work if everyone is well but in extraordinary circumstances like extended sickness, parents need to share the burden.

Wow it's almost as if you haven't realised that there are millions of families with 2 successful professionals as parents.

Honestly, I doubt it, since she doesn't seem to have the knowledge to understand what a surgeon's job entails.

By the sounds of it OP is resident carer with full custody so ultimately it will fall to the main carer and resident parent

You're clearly not a consultant, as while there is lots of operating and seeing patients in clinics, ward rounds etc, there is also at least 1 day per week, or more likely 2, where there are admin sessions where you are not seeing patients face to face but doing things like signing clinic letters, responding to emails for advice etc, that don't need you to be in the hospital, and in those situations, where there is a childcare emergency, that work can be done at another time.

OP, I'd advise you to ask your ex to show you their job plan - that will show where the admin or SPA sessions are - anything that says SPA is not patient care, so no patient will come to harm from moving it in an emergency.

The question really is, how would he manage if he suddenly had to take on all the parenting if anything happened to OP.

He'd have to quit, or pay for childcare. So he should definitely be paying for some childcare. It shouldn't always fall on OP

Wrong.
prob takes home £4750 a month.

Still trying to work out what this back up childcare is, or how it would be paid for 😂

You’ve confused surgeons with robots perhaps?
they are humans and like anyone else they can get sick, they can have sick children that they must care for, they can have whatever family emergency that everyone else has. So yes, their work gets cancelled.

You can’t just have stand by ‘back up’ paid childcare. Emergencies don’t happen often at all.
I’m not leaving my sick child with a stranger.
We don’t have family here as we moved for my tertiary surgical job.

We ask friends for help if it’s a predictable problem but a sick child wants a parent.

Surgeons have lives and families as well as patients.

Oh yes, silly me forgetting the surgeon’s car payment on the Maserati.

I’m just correcting your errors. A consultant working full time in NHS once newly qualified will bring home about that. So less than £5k monthly.
Unlikely to afford a nanny or a stay at home spouse. The current generation of consultants aged say 35-60 generally don’t have stay at home spouses and couldn’t afford that luxury. Majority I know are married to other doctors and have to make it work, and compare notes to see who must leave work and cancel if children ill.

Sorry, I can’t get that figure.
BMA says starting base salary for a consultant in 2023 was £93,666
After 1 year, it rises to £96,599 and so on.

This doesn’t include the annual bonuses I mentioned upthread that are a minimum of £7,900, per FTE not including national insurance and employer pension contributions.

That is a take home pay of £5700/mo or so for just him at a minimum as a consultant with less than 1yr experience, when he likely has more.

To get down to £4750/mo take home after income tax, NIC and 5% employee pension contribution would require a total salary (base plus bonus) of £82k/yr.

Keep in mind, these are 2023 figures and so don’t include the recent nice pay rises agreed through industrial action for this year and next.

Add in OP’s senior professional wage and of course they can afford the £1200/mo for a part time live out nanny. I suppose if they choose to put that money and more towards very expensive school fees instead that is their choice, but that doesn’t mean they “can’t afford” a nanny.

link to pay calculator
https://www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/salary.php