Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

Hmm so he doesn’t do any private work at all on the side?!

This, and the other answer from other surgeons on this thread (I'm a consultant, but not a surgeon) are the only ones you need to read. Your ex will have times when it would be incredibly hard for him to leave (oncalls/theatre/clinics/ward rounds), but he will have at last 1 or 2 days in the week where he will be doing admin type work, that could be timeshifted into the evening if he needed to leave to pick up an unwell kid.

OP I think you’ve been bashed unfairly on this thread. Regardless of the job, when you divorce there should be a fair discussion about how childcare is going to be arranged. It sounds as though he doesn’t realistically have much flexibility and unfortunately it may come down to him paying for the kids to be in after school club rather than him collecting them on his “days”.

@RobBeckettsGiantTeeth

Wait, what? You expect him to leave in the middle of his job to collect your child?
When he's a surgeon?!
Of course he can't do that!
That would be HIS child you are referring to

Someone's surgery is however more important than most things, yes.
But completely irrelevant to the point of the post which is that he is not parenting or coming up with solutions for his inability to parent HIS child.

Quite. My managers manager wonders why we / can’t afford or have 5 days of childcare for twins. But lm pretty sure his then wife didn’t work or worked very little when their daughter was small

One more time, for the hard of thinking at the back: "Your" plural.

And if the OP was abroad on a business trip or in hospital or giving birth... who pray tell would pick up their dc then? What if the OP was at a UN conference or a pilot or a police officer scheduled to work at a royal event or a gazillion other things that would be equally impossible to leave at a moments notice.
You seem to think surgeons are somehow excused from parenting. Funnily enough what's the bet it's only male surgeons who fail to organise contingencies and rely on their women folk to pick up the slack

@RobBeckettsGiantTeeth your what?
Are you on drugs?

OP would you be happy to have a nanny be responsible for your kids on "his" days? So drop off/pick up, taking to clubs, collecting from school if they are feeling unwell? All left to a stranger? Because that's what a lot of people with these types of careers rely on. The culture among surgeons is not generally family friendly and I'm sure you knew this when you decided to have kids with him.

If you're happy for him to outsource childcare then insist on it, though you can't really force him to have 50/50 custody can you... If you wouldn't be happy with a nanny doing his bits then you'll probably have to make peace with being the default parent.

This is something he could discuss in job planning- on his non-theatre days he could probably start a little later or finish earlier to accommodate breakfast club/tea club run. I do.

Why don't you ask the at least two female surgeons on this thread who don't think they should have to plan alternative provision for childcare emergencies, or those who don't believe it exists, or who say that the large salary isn't enough to pay for it, but yet expect the male surgeon in the OP to have that very same thing arranged on "his" days?

For what it's worth, I do think he should have alternative provision arranged, just as I think the female surgeons should too, but apparently it's only the man who's being feckless by not doing so.

No, but apparently your comprehension and language skills could use a bit of improvement.
"Your" plural, as opposed to "Your" singular.
I said "Your child". That means the child of her AND her ex-husband.

My dad was a commercial barrister and a single parent and he made it work, it’s not impossible

That's great for your dad. Was he a workaholic? A QC (KC now)? Top of his game?

This attitude is so very annoying. Even though actual surgeons are commenting on the thread, you know best and imagine a surgeon is in theatre 100% of the time. If you don't know how a certain job works, just say that instead of making ludicrous statements.

Sorry I do think YABU. I’m a nurse in ICU with 1:1 ratio of patient to nurses, my husband is a managing director of a large engineering firm, so technically a “bigger” job than mine. If one of our kids are unwell or gets sent home from nursery or whatever he is always the one who has to leave work. Of course I have parental responsibility and if there is no other option available I will leave work (has actually never happened) but I will always use every single other possible option than leave an ICU with unsafe staff ratios. So unfortunately in this situation, when peoples lives are actually at risk he does get a pass I think. I feel for you though it’s not easy having to always be the default parent and it’s not fair that his job “trumpts” yours but in this scenario I think it actually does.

I knew a couple where the woman was a surgeon and the husband corporate Head of job. They had an au pair as one of them would often have to work late. Is that an option?

This thread is fascinating. Working in a hospital quite a high number of consultants are married. When their dc are ill one of them has to collect! They work out which has the least impact at any given time.

My friends daughter married a lovely man who's now a junior consultant. The daughter comes home to mum and dad sometimes with the toddler and baby because of his workload . It sounds tough on families

Surgeons are parents too. Of course they have to go and sort children out, stay home if their children are poorly just like any other profession. Appointments have to be shuffled about, swap shifts around etxlc. Of course there are days when it would be tricky for them to get out but as parents they would have to. Not ideal, but it can't be helped. I have had appointments cancelled, Im not always told why, but I wouldn't be surprised or angry if it was for a family reason. I'm not that entitled. Surgeons don't operate every day of their working week. There are strict rules on amount of hours they can perform surgery and are fewer than you think. That's for patient safety and to make sure the surgeons have enough rest. You don't want an overworked suregons operating on you. I'm sure he has non-clinical days when it would be easier for him to get out and he could cover on those days. I think he has gotten used to you always covering and doesn't see it as his job. Very unfair when you have a senior role too and you are both parents. They are humans, their family comes first, however important their job is.

No idea what you would do but I would not expect that people who had been waiting probably years for their operation might have it cancelled due to childcare issues. Certainly not their problem your DH works 2 hours away either. I genuinely am just gobsmacked.

Oh yes, should probably say my operation being cancelled 4 times in six months has lead to my cancer no longer being operable but hey if your babysitter has let you down off you pop home, don’t worry about us mere patients terrified they’re going to die….

It sounds like it is unclear as to what level of responsibility you have agreed he should take for childcare, pickups etc during the week. Note that this does not mean he has to personally, physically do the things he takes responsibility for. But it seems like when you were married you did it all and now that has continued, partly from habit partly because the children live with you.

It's a lot combined with your job.

What I'd do is work out what you think WOULD be fair. For example should he be responsible for school run/wraparound 2 out of 3 days a week. Then, if his job means he can't personally carry that out, he can pay someone else to do it - a childminder or whatever the best solution is. Potentially, between you, you could fund this 5 days a week, as consistency is much easier for everyone, especially kids.

Ad hoc collection if they are ill at school etc is harder to plan for but it would be an easier thing to bear if you weren't also doing all the planned routine admin.

I wonder if one of the posters on this thread was one of the people who complained that her, non urgent, ten minute job, surgery was cancelled (and rescheduled for the next day) on the day that I gave birth to our firstborn. She was even told he was at the hospital with me, but no, not a good enough reason.

@Whatevershallidowithmylife you're gobsmacked that surgeons, and their children, are indeed human too?

Clearly I would do all I could to find another solution but genuinely what would you want me to do if my husband was away and my child had to be collected due to serious illness/injury?

Am I allowed to cancel an operation because I fall ill myself or is that also unreasonable?

I cancelled some patients a few weeks ago because my Dad died - should I have cracked on because they had been waiting years for their surgery?

You learn very quickly in this job that everyone is indispensable. To the managers I am simply someone to fill a slot on a rota. People literally drop down dead and the only concern is who will cover their next shift!

I'd feel bad for cancelling a patient but would ensure they were fitted in within the next week or so. I wouldn't regret being there for my child.