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AIBU?

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Original poster

Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

408 replies

Beeturpot · 07/05/2024 14:36

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 07/05/2024 14:52

Just because he can't leave his place of work doesn't mean he gets to not pull his weight childcare wise. Perhaps he needs to fund paid childcare for after school and pick ups for example.

Greyheronsarethebest · 07/05/2024 14:53

Hateam · 07/05/2024 14:51

He can't just cancel.an afternoon long-waited patient consultantations either. How would you feel if you has waited 3 months for an appointment and then been told whilst you where on the waiting room that it had been cancelled?

Show quote history

There is childcare that can be arranged. If he is a surgeon he will be surely clever enough to figure that out

I had surgery cancelled for all sorts of crap. My recent one took 4 attempts (no idea why). It happens 🤷

Meadowfinch · 07/05/2024 14:53

What do you do, OP? Do people's lives depend on it? Because my cousin who is a breast surgeon is dealing with an absurd waiting list. She can't just cancel a list and walk out. People with cancer have waited weeks or months. For some of them their lives are literally in the balance.

It sounds like he needs an au pair or an old-fashioned Mother's (Father's) Help.

welshweasel · 07/05/2024 14:53

@Hateam or course he could! What do you think would happen if he suddenly started vomiting an hour before his clinic was to start? It's not ideal, and we all try to find cover so that we don't have to cancel patients in this sort of situation, but ultimately, we are human and shit happens!

SockQueen · 07/05/2024 14:56

8am starts very normal in surgery (I'm an anaesthetist so I start when they start!) - in fact in my previous trust we started at 7:30. Surgical ward rounds often start at that time too.

As for being able to drop everything to pick child up, again can be very hard/impossible during operating time (though as @welshweasel says, they won't be operating every day). Are we talking routine pickups, or an emergency?

He may be taking the piss. He may just have selfishly not considered childcare as you are there to pick up the slack, and he has "always" been able to prioritise his job. Hard to know for sure.

caringcarer · 07/05/2024 14:56

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 07/05/2024 14:38

Wait, what? You expect him to leave in the middle of his job to collect your child?
When he's a surgeon?!
Of course he can't do that!

Edited

It's his child too. Not just OP's child.

viques · 07/05/2024 14:56

It’s a bit like the old “my partner is a long haul airplane pilot , is it fair I have to do nearly all the emergency pickups….”

or “ my partner is the commander of an atomic submarine , is it fair I have to do nearly all the emergency pickups”

or “ my partner is on deployment in a war zone, is it fair I have to do nearly all the emergency pickups”

Actually the submarine one is probably a fair moan because I am not sure we actually have any nuclear subs in commission at the moment…….

Tel12 · 07/05/2024 15:00

Pay for help if both your jobs are too demanding.

akkakk · 07/05/2024 15:00

There are many jobs where it is not easy to walk away instantly for child care:

  • train driver
  • airline pilot / crew
  • deep sea fishing
  • police
  • fire service
  • ambulance crew / driver
  • medic
  • Samaritans
  • etc.
100s if not 1000s of them... ;) A surgeon is possibly more flexible then many of those - i.e. not very flexible, but not impossible - easier if you are a surgeon than if you are aircrew over the Indian Ocean 😁 How do any of those people manage? - they have backup friends / family / paid for childcare / etc. - no reason why the OP's husband is any less able to help arrange any of that than the OP...

(for reference, my wife is a surgeon)

mewkins · 07/05/2024 15:00

There must be loads of couples who are both consultants/surgeons etc (I know of at least one) who have kids. There will be solutions re. nannies etc - he can't just say 'I can't do that'. What if there wasn't another parent he could fall back on? I'm sure he'd make it work then.

endofthelinefinally · 07/05/2024 15:02

Surgeons work ridiculously long hours, but I am sure he can afford to arrange and pay for a childminder to pick up some of his share of child care related commitments.

SoupChicken · 07/05/2024 15:04

I guess the answer is yes he could leave, if there was no other option, but if he’s in the middle of an operation it wouldn’t be quick or easy and it would have a huge knock on effect. But he doesn’t need to, does he? Because he knows you’d turn up before the school called social services to collect the children.

Growlybear83 · 07/05/2024 15:04

If your husband is a surgeon it might just be a bit tricky for him to walk out of he's in the middle of operating on someone 🙄🙄

IsGoodIsDon · 07/05/2024 15:06

It may be difficult for him to leave his job but it’s no longer your job to support him in his career. Either he pays you an ongoing maintenance in addition to what he pays towards his kids to compensate you for loss of career prospects and earnings or he does what everyone else does and find appropriate childcare for when he has his kids and he pulls his weight with the kids.

Mumofoneandone · 07/05/2024 15:06

Sounds like a conversation needs to be had as to how he can be more 'hands on'/providing more practical support rather than just abdicating any responsibility. ie if admin days are set each week he could be doing the school runs or be the one on call for children.....

caringcarer · 07/05/2024 15:06

welshweasel · 07/05/2024 14:47

I'm a surgeon so qualified to answer this!

Most consultants will only operate one (maybe 1.5) days a week. On a theatre day it's tricky to leave suddenly to pick up a sick child. I would at least have to finish the operation I'm doing, then cancel the rest of the list. I would try to come up with a better solution but yes, sometimes surgeons will have to leave halfway through a theatre list.

On days when I'm doing clinic or endoscopy, again it's not ideal, but family comes first, and sometimes you just have to leave.

Most of us will have 2 non clinical days a week (for admin etc), which are usually very flexible.

I do school drop off 4 days out of 5 (to breakfast club), my husband does it on my theatre day. All but one of my consultant colleagues have kids and plenty of them do the school run too.

On call days are also tricky, but cover would have to be found if you were taken ill, so same applies to sick kids. I'd cover a colleague in this situation without a second thought.

There you go OP. I'd discuss this with your DH.

CloudywMeatballs · 07/05/2024 15:07

Of course a surgeon can't just take a couple of hours off when a childcare emergency comes up! But (I assume) they are very well paid. Well paid enough so that the other parent (whether they are still married or not) is able to stay home or do a flexible enough job that they can cover all these emergencies, OR pay a live in nanny or similar who is available to cover childcare.

caringcarer · 07/05/2024 15:08

Sorry OP I've just reread your post and spotted he's your exh. I'd still be discussing this with him. Maybe he should be paying for a child minder to drop off or collect on his days/turns.

Foxblue · 07/05/2024 15:09

Good points made by the people pointing out that:

  • If he was taken ill, they'd have to find cover or cancel operations
  • Being a surgeon doesn't mean you are in theatre every hour of the day
  • If he's a surgeon, he's making enough money to afford help

But crucially in this scenario: his job doesn't absolve him of all responsibility as a father. And you're not asking him to step in every other week, it's emergencies! There will be other surgeons out there who don't have another parent to rely on...

SuncreamAndIceCream · 07/05/2024 15:12

People are spectacularly missing the point here I think - no one is expecting OP's ex to walk out of an operation or cancel their surgeries

But he's being paid a decent amount and their should be able to arrange an "on call" nanny/au pair/childminder for the days he is responsible

Just leaving it to OP to pick it all up, having her work affected, her career taken less seriously, her pay reduced for emergency leave isn't on - THEY ARE SEPARATED! He needs to arrange his own childcare, end of.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 07/05/2024 15:15

If the children live with you, what is it that you think he should be doing?

WannabeMathematician · 07/05/2024 15:16

What I’m reading from this head is that surgeons shouldn’t have kids!

TheFairyCaravan · 07/05/2024 15:16

Greyheronsarethebest · 07/05/2024 14:41

even if he is a surgeon, he will not be in the theatre every day. There will be normal clinics, non clinical days etc. He is taking you for a ride. I can understand that he cannot leave an ongoing operation but that is not what he is doing every day.

When I have an appointment with my consultant surgeon I’d be pretty pissed off if he announced to the clinic that he was just off to do the school run at 3pm and would be back in a bit. Anyone with half a braincell would know that they can’t just up and leave when the fancy takes them.

I’ve had operations that have started at 2pm and lasted for 4-5 hours. I’ve been in theatres observing operations that have gone on for 12hrs and worked in clinics that are packed out for hours on ends. Consultants can’t just do the school run, they’re very busy people.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 07/05/2024 15:19

Surgeons can chose to work longer but fewer days.
There days are not full on in the theatre, most of their time is spent consulting.

Technically they could arrange days or hours to suit but dropping everything in an emergency if you are due in surgery is a big ask. But as I’ve noted, they are not always in surgery.

He has a right to leave work if there is an emergency, just like anyone else. If he doesn’t want to cancel appointments and ops then he needs to sort out a regular stand-in. Consultants share work and patients with others, it’s quite normal.

Then you know where you are in an emergency. Your exs job should not trump your ability to improve your lot. He’s not exactly going to be splitting his pension with you after all!

Original poster
Beeturpot · 07/05/2024 15:21

Thanks . I think because we are in the process of divorce he’s not willing to offer up more for care of the dc. I will work something out!

OP posts: