Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

I think it’s highly likely that a surgeon can’t drop everything to pick up kids etc and start work early
if you’re also more senior you may need to evaluate the current arrangement

how old are your children ?

Wait, what? You expect him to leave in the middle of his job to collect your child?
When he's a surgeon?!
Of course he can't do that!

Well it depends doesn't it? If he's up to his arms in a patient in the middle of surgery he can't just drop everything to go and pick up a child from a playdate. Similarly, I'm sure you would get lots of irate posts if a surgeon routinely cut clinics short because of some family emergency, especially when you have waited months for an appointment.

I have friends who both work in these sorts of roles, they have an au pair/nanny.

If he’s a surgeon/consultant he can’t just bugger off to go up the school can he!

Exactly! And his salary can easily pay for child care

i get it, and I understand where you are coming from.

but I work in a hospital, and if the consultant surgeon is in, and in charge, then no, they can’t leave if they are on call, or if they are operating, or if their junior is operating, they must be in the hospital.

That said, ours tend to do a week oncall each, maybe once every 6-8 weeks. Other hospitals probably vary.

I can't really help, you can't force someone to have their children even if he was making it up but I suspect he is right in terms of not being able to leave mid surgery etc whether or not he could leave after or before the fact I don't know. however, he could outsource his parenting and pay a childminder or nanny on his days so that it doesn't always fall to you. But I don't think anyone would make that happen so you are relying on his good will.

This.

even if he is a surgeon, he will not be in the theatre every day. There will be normal clinics, non clinical days etc. He is taking you for a ride. I can understand that he cannot leave an ongoing operation but that is not what he is doing every day.

You do realise what a surgeon does, I hope? Think about what a typical day's work entails, and you will hopefully work out why he might find it a teensy bit difficult to interrupt his mildly important work to do school runs etc.

"Nurse, hold that wound closed for half an hour - I've got to fetch the kids from school. I will stitch it when I get back, if the traffic isn't too bad."

Right. So you've waited six months for a hospital appointment, and you get there on the day to find your appointment is cancelled because the consultant has had to rush off to pick up little Johnny from playgroup.

You'd be happy with that, would you?

Im married to a hospital Consultant. He leaves for work at 7am and is usually home between 7-8pm. I can count on one hand the number of school runs he’s done in 15 years. And any emergency at school is on me. Every second of their day is accounted for and they can’t just walk out on patients . It sucks, believe me there’s been times I’ve cried with frustration, but that’s just how it is.

Thanks. I wasn’t just talking about pick ups etc. I meant he’s never once been available during his work day. But I’ve had to be.

It seems I’m being unreasonable though so thank you for replies

@MissyB1 thanks. Sorry you’ve had to pick it all up too! It’s hard

He is still a parent and has parental responsibility. Then he needs to find a different solution but to force the ex partner into the role of the default parent to advance their own career is not fair. Do you not think surgeons should have parental responsibility then? Do you think it's fair to make it the problem if the ex partner and deny them a career?

Consultant surgeons hours are long and he won't be able to drop his patient responsibilities to do school runs. BUT his salary would pay for wrap around childcare for "his" days if you're aiming for 50:50?

But his 'normal clinics and non-clinical days' are also something he probably can't just walk out of. He doesn't have to be in theatre for his job to be something you can't just nip out of to pick up a child.

If I turned up for appointment at my consultant's clinic and was told 'Sorry, they're just doing the school run at the moment' I wouldn't be tremendously impressed.

Similarly, I doubt the trainees and students who work under him would be particularly impressed if he breezed out of their vital supervision time because his child had thrown up at school.

He could certainly pay for a childminder on 'his' days with the kids.

Even if he's technically on a non clinical day, I consultant is responsible for junior staff and will be called on in an emergency situation or if the juniors need his input.

As for clinics, no he can't just leave. Patients often wait months to see a specialist surgeon (which is what a consultant is!!) Plus he will ne doing follow-ups for previous patients etc.

Not all men are shirking responsibility.

I'm a surgeon so qualified to answer this!

Most consultants will only operate one (maybe 1.5) days a week. On a theatre day it's tricky to leave suddenly to pick up a sick child. I would at least have to finish the operation I'm doing, then cancel the rest of the list. I would try to come up with a better solution but yes, sometimes surgeons will have to leave halfway through a theatre list.

On days when I'm doing clinic or endoscopy, again it's not ideal, but family comes first, and sometimes you just have to leave.

Most of us will have 2 non clinical days a week (for admin etc), which are usually very flexible.

I do school drop off 4 days out of 5 (to breakfast club), my husband does it on my theatre day. All but one of my consultant colleagues have kids and plenty of them do the school run too.

On call days are also tricky, but cover would have to be found if you were taken ill, so same applies to sick kids. I'd cover a colleague in this situation without a second thought.

Of course he can't drop everything and leave work.

Even when not in surgery, he'll have patient consultations, meetings, possibly ward rounds or training sessions with junior doctors and medical students.

OP, you have a good income between you. Quite easily enough to hire someone to do drop offs and pick ups if that's what you want.

Then he should arrange wrap around childcare. Everyone does it. What makes a surgeon so special he can absolve all childcare responsibilities to the ex wife???

Oh, and plenty of our students and juniors are parents too (or hope to be in the future). They are usually relieved to see that their boss is human too!

What are the childcare arrangements? Who is responsible for them on which days?

Generally if at work or on call he has to prioritise work, but he won't always be at work and if on call he can have the kids as long as there's a plan b that can be activated within a few minutes (they will have a maximum time they can be away from the hospital, for my friend it's 30 mins to be in the department). Depending on the age of the child(ren) and wider family etc you may need to have a plan b eg a trusted neighbour you could pay to help you out, housekeeper etc.

He can't just cancel.an afternoon long-waited patient consultantations either. How would you feel if you has waited 3 months for an appointment and then been told whilst you where on the waiting room that it had been cancelled?