Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

They aren't lying if they say they have had to cancel at short notice. That's all the communications required. You don't need details of the surgeon's emergency, or indeed whatever other demand took precedence.

This.

Did you actually read the post . He became a consultant AFTER they separated. The children have 2 parents it is fundamentally unfair all the childcare is the mothers responsibility. If he cannot do it then he needs to pay for someone to fulfill that responsibility. His job ( whatever that might be) does not diminish that responsibility. I would see a solicitor.

So I guess the question here is, since this man doesn't have a spouse anymore, should he still be doing the job? Or should OP still offer the flexibility of a spouse and make her life work around his even though they're divorced.

That's where we differ. No, we may never be told, but I do think there are absolutely non-acceptable reasons for it. Picking up child with a bug from nursery if they've been sent home is an not an acceptable reason to cancel someone's cancer surgery. A surgeon with children obviously knows that their child being sent home ill (for example) is a possibility, so they should have a back up plan. And if they don't, or if they think this is an acceptable reason to cancel someone's surgery or appointment, then they are in the wrong profession.

I think if he can't/won't do 50/50 then whatever extra costs that incurs for Op he pays.

Op was doing it all when they were married & is still doing it all!

And should be according to some on here!

If you're in the middle of a divorce and still working out arrangements, I would have thought the easiest thing to do was have set days a week when each of you are responsible for the children. How will you be splitting contact, 50/50? On his days, he can organise and pay for a nanny in his own home if need be. He doesn't get to rely on you for childcare on the days when he has contact.

So I guess the question here is, since this man doesn't have a spouse anymore, should he still be doing the job? Or should OP still offer the flexibility of a spouse and make her life work around his even though they're divorced.

He can pay for chidcare-like many single mums on much lower money do!

@RobBeckettsGiantTeeth you are unbelievably unreasonable. You acknowledge what an important job these surgeons do yet seem to have a compete disregard for the fact they are human beings with their own lives.

These are highly skilled people who could earn literally 5 times as much abroad, or in private practice - many are now taking this opportunity in no small part because of shitty working conditions fuelled by attitudes like yours. And you want to tell them they have no right to consider their family or ever put their family first? There will be no one left to give you an appointment in the first place if that approach won out.

I am married to a surgeon and it is insane how much additional work he does over and above what he is obliged to in order to keep the wheels turning for his patients in a badly struggling NHS. If you were one of his patients, chances are he had squeezed you into his clinic as an additional patient. He always stays late. Always sees quite a few more patients in his clinic than he is supposed to. Takes more calls at weekends from the ward than I care to mention. He gives it everything at huge cost to our family life. I am furious at the complete lack of consideration you think he is entitled to in return on the rare occasion of a family emergency.

and no it’s not what he’s paid to do. What he is paid for is set out in his job plan. What he does is way in excess of that, and I imagine that is true of the majority of NHS surgeons.

Surely the solution is set days (and he can arrange childcare on his days if he can't arrange work accordingly)? Or he pays you a lump sum each month extra to cover childcare costs?

oh yeah let’s tell them they’re in the wrong profession and should leave! Bloody great plan, that’ll get patients treated sooner 🙄

And you want to tell them they have no right to consider their family or ever put their family first?

At the expense of someone's vital cancer surgery or crucial appointment? No, absolutely not, and they're in the wrong job if they think it's acceptable.

I'm sure they get plenty of annual leave in which to "consider their family".

Other times? Have a back up plan. They are literally putting people in life and death situations.

"First do no harm."

This back up plan being spend £20k a year on a nanny just in case?

The salary of a surgeon alone would pay for a nanny.
I know he’s not offering anything up, but you can make an allowance to pay for a nanny until youngest is 14/15 part of the financial settlement.
He would have to do this of the DC lived with him full time.

That would annoy me too. Surgeon or not he needs to adjust his job or do something else to allow him to do his fair share. I understand its not possible mid operation but why should you do it all. Why should the woman have to be flexible and the man not be. I can imagine you stayed at home more while he was early on in his career enabling him to concentrate on his job. Fuck that I'd expected some accomodation for my job too.

It depends. If he is in surgery or seeing patients then no he can't leave. However if he is in his office or in a meeting then yes he could. I would be asking him to share more info about his schedule. If he has certain times as office times then yes he should be able to collect or do child related emergencies.

That’s why they make the big bucks.

@Beeturpot
Do the kids live with you full time?
Is exH paying the correct amount of maintenance?
I'd use some of that to lighten your load if you can possibly afford it - after school club / care, cleaner, Tesco food delivery, babysitters.
It's hard work.
My ex-H wasn't a surgeon but was about as reliable as a chocolate teapot.

I accept that he can't physically leave work to pick up children. But can certainly pay for someone else to. @Beeturpot You need to have a conversation about this. Urgently.

What kind of surgeon is he? If he’s performing 15 hour long neurosurgery or cardiothoracics or procedures along those lines then yeah, you are probably BU, he can’t just duck out to pick the kids up; other teams of professionals stood by, intensive care beds sat empty waiting for the patient to arrive from theatre, organs on ice, blood on order, never mind the patient who is probably in a pretty grave situation, etc.

I realise it’s deeply inconvenient and you probably feel resentful, but presumably you knew the likely career trajectory of a surgeon when you married and had children with him. He was always going to go for consultant, infact, if he hadn’t and had chosen to remain a junior forever, his contribution and engagement would probably be even less than it currently is.

Perhaps there is a case to make for him contributing towards a Nanny or other provision in lieu of his actual physical presence.

Honestly, the attitudes of people really stink. No way we could afford £20k on a nanny even if we needed one, let alone to do nothing 99.9% of the time.

Really he should leave the NHS and really earn the big bucks, not work himself to the bone for patients who display this complete lack of regard.

I have a number of surgeon and consultant friends.

I don’t know of any who don’t do the school runs.

Although it’s private school so drop off can and usually is 7.45am and pick up any time until 6pm - a standard 8.45-3.15 day would not be doable every day. But they definitely do have flex - not least because they’re the most senior staff there.

Not my concern. But they need SOME kind of back up plan to pick up the kids if needs be. You can NOT cancel someone's vital cancer surgery because your kids' nursery wants them to go home. You need another way of sorting that out. My god, have you never been in the situation where your life is completely reliant on someone else being available for an appointment?! If not, count yourself extremely lucky.

The OP is talking about "running around after the kids", not life and death emergencies.

My husband is a surgeon. The days he operates (2, that's very standard) I am default parent. Two other days it's him and the last day we work out as needed. Consultants don't operate every day... of course he can't leave when he's operating but that's not the whole week. The other days you should be able to share