Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

I suspect the OP would not be getting anywhere near as much of a hard time if her ex didn't have that double whammy of godlikeness - being both a man and a surgeon.
As an anaesthetist I've met a lot of surgeons in my time. They are just people. Some are harder working than others. Some are really nice people, others are egotistical bastards. Some are even women. But not one of them spends every moment of the working week doing life saving work that cannot be delayed or delegated. Not one.
We don't even know what branch of surgery the OP's ex works in - some have a substantially bigger out of hours workload than others - or what size and type of hospital he works in. But wherever he is he will have some junior staff and colleagues- he isn't one man holding the NHS up as if he is Atlas.
Consultant job plans are divided into PAs - programmed activities - and these can be for direct patient care, so things like theatre sessions, ward rounds and clinics which are often set in time and place and supporting PAs for admin, study, audit, research and so on which are often not. Unless things have changed in the last couple of years since I retired, every Consultant is entitled to a minimum of 1.5 SPAs a week - that's 6 hours - and if you have an additional non clinical role, more. Whilst that work needs to be done, a lot of it doesn't need to be done in the hospital or even in the time slot nominally allocated on the job plan. Obviously you can't take patient info out of the hospital but if you're writing a presentation, sorting the duty rota or a wide variety of other stuff you don't actually have to be sat in your office 9-5 to get it done. I used to have a non clinical day on a Tuesday and I did need to be in my office for quite a lot of my work, but by going in at 7am I could get it done in plenty of time to pick my DS up and take him to his sport. Nobody cared when I actually did my admin as long as it got done and I'd say that applies to the vast majority of Consultants. You can go in early, stay late, do it on Sunday morning, after your kids are asleep or whatever, and that's what most Consultants who are mothers do in my experience. There's no reason why fathers can't also do that.
Some roles have more flexibility than others obviously, but if the OP's ex really has no potential ever to ever deal with childcare then he'll be the first Consultant I've ever met that that is true of. He's either very unlucky to have such a totally relentless work load and really shitty colleagues who will never help him out, or maybe lucky that he has never had to take responsibility for his children before and now he doesn't want to. Could be either I suppose, but were I a betting woman I know where I'd put my money. Of course it's not easy juggling a medical career (or many other careers)and parenthood but plenty of us manage it.

Are there surgeons who are single parents? Presumably there must be some (although I know there aren't that many female surgeons). What do they do?

@RobBeckettsGiantTeeth please stop being so bloody nasty.

It wasn't a lovely/not lovely situation. It was a laying down my boundaries situation. Knowing full well what would happen every week if I didn't. It's different when you're married, sure, flexible if possible.
Not the same when you're divorced.

Op - decide what you're happy with, and let him know your expectations early on.

Also, in OPs defence a lot of surgeons are quite arrogant types. I'm very grateful for the surgeries they've performed on me, but I wouldn't want to marry one!

Great post @AgeingDoc

There is a huge amount of deification going on.

My DBro is pretty egotistical, and also very focused (to the exclusion of everything when he's dealing with a patient. He nearly missed the birth of his last DC). However, he has a lot more flexibility than you might think, certainly more than a teacher, say, or someone clocking in, like to a factory, and he also throws money at the issue too (childminder in the house 7 - 7).

There's absolutely a balance that can be struck.

One of my surgical friends was a widower and a single Dad for a number of years, though he has since remarried. He had a live in nanny or I don't think it would have been possible for him to continue in his work role.

@arethereanyleftatall

Of course, and it's up to you about boundaries. But there's got to be a more pleasant way of doing it.

I'd never write a text like that. Then again I'd genuinely have been worried about what unsafe arrangements my feckless, unreliable ex would have made.

My guess is that you've handled everything in your marriage and it has benefitted you aswell. So he thinks he can just say "I can't" and you will magically sort it out at your own expense. Og course he can't hold a spleen on his hand and just leave. But that doesn't mean he gets to opt out from parenting on his days ans expect you to sort it out. You need to have an agreement and he needs to sort his childcare out.

I go to a lot of clinic appointment at. They start at 8 and often finish after 5pm or 6pm.

You knew his profession before and I assume are happy with his income. Is it because he is your ex that it is now a problem?

I'm not seriously suggesting it is on its knees because of the health of its consultants' kids. But when it is already on its knees for other reasons, when people already can not get the help they need in a timely manner or sometimes not at all, an incident like that would be enough to try the patience of a saint.

Can you honestly not put yourself in the shoes of someone living day to day with a debilitating condition, or in severe chronic pain, or waiting for a cancer operation, who may have waited months for an appointment for help and who has that appointment cancelled with no warning on the day for a reason like that? Not because the surgeon was sick, but because of a childcare issue?!

If your job carries this level of responsibility towards others - and you are that handsomely rewarded for it, which surgeons and consultants are - then I think the onus is on you to have a backup plan to not let those people down.

Would you be happy either way him having a nanny or babysitter looking after them when it is " his time" ?

Sorry yes- wrong of me to assume a single parent would be a woman!

Hi OP,

From experience here I can tell that not all days are theatre days and he may have consultations or other things going on.

On the days that he is in theatre, he has to leave very early as they start at 8 the list.

On other days it might be more flexible, but for us it only happens in the morning, as the days he drops off our children he stays for longer in the afternoon/evening to make up for that time.

Might be worth checking with breakfast clubs and afternoon clubs or even a childminder so that you can share the load.

It’s very difficult when somebody is in that profession, but a mechanism needs to be in place so that you can be less frazzled.

operating lists usually have a team brief at 0845 (some specialities brief even earlier) and the surgeon needs to have seen at least all the morning patients by then and often also casts a quick eye on his or her ward patients/ post ops from day before. many will arrive to work around 730am

theatres often over run and rarely finish early. either way, he needs to be around also to see his ward patients, attend clinics (which also over run) etc

I get that it's frustrating, but that's just the way it is.

Well, I know my ex as you know yours. Straight talking works for him. He's never asked me again. Perfectly friendly relationship.

and you are that handsomely rewarded for it,

It's well-paid sure, but from what I know, not especially so in the UK, and still not to some exceptional level.

Apart at all from finances, if there's a family emergency, of course a surgeon is entitled, all other factors considered, to take the needed time. Colleagues will cover, operations will be rescheduled as a priority. A decent surgeon won't do it lightly, but they may have to, and of course that's ok!

@arethereanyleftatall

Fair enough! I take your point.

Yes, obviously, if someone else can cover and the patient isn't affected, then of course.

But if they can't? No. They need a plan B, and morally you really shouldn't be in a job like that with that much responsibility towards other people if you don't have one.

Can you honestly not put yourself in the shoes of someone living day to day with a debilitating condition, or in severe chronic pain, or waiting for a cancer operation, who may have waited months for an appointment for help and who has that appointment cancelled with no warning on the day for a reason like that? Not because the surgeon was sick, but because of a child care issue?!

They would never know that was the reason though, would they? I know lots of people who've had operations cancelled and it's always really distressing, especially if it's for something like cancer treatment. But you are never going to be told... sorry, the surgeon has a childcare issue. You are probably going to assume an emergency took precedence.

Even worse then, if they're lying about it.

He wasn't a consultant until after they separated, though? I think that's why she's asking.

Nobody's lying. Nobody tells you the reason why your surgery has been cancelled. It could be all manner of things.

This is one of several types of jobs where if you want to have a family you either need a spouse who picks it all
up or you pay for a full time wrap around nanny who can do overtime etc. It’s just the way it is. Some jobs have too much responsibility (life or death responsibilities!) and zero flexibility.