Not answering the question asked…

[CypressSunflower]

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

BTW this happens several times a day. About most topics. And if I ask him a random question about general knowledge and he doesn’t know, rather than saying ‘I don’t know’ he will pontificate for ages about it.

he doesn’t understand what you’re actually asking. The second question is really vague - “what did you do with it” could mean loads of stuff, what you’re actually asking is “where is it”.

I don't know the solution because I am often the perpetrator of such an exchange! I frequently answer the question I think I am being asked rather than the question that is actually being asked, and I don't know why. Maybe I'm trying to pre-empt the follow-up discussion? Trying to read the underlying reason? All I know is that it drives DH mad!

My DH was guilty of this. It's not a quick fix I'm afraid. I have some theories on it; he is distracted and stressed and only ever half listening, in his previous marriage many of the conversations were traps, in his home growing up his parents spoke different languages so nobody fully understood what other parties were saying.

Therapy has helped a lot. But I also have to keep on top of it. I hear him do it to his children and it's damaged their relationship as they feel frustrated. Now I hear him do it to our DC.

I regularly intervene and calmly say

Please answer the actual question asked.

Good luck!

True. I need to be very specific in what I’m asking then. I can try and do that.

My DH does this . All The Time.

Ah. I need to start a support group with your DH then.

It’s the waste of my time and energy I hate, and that it can cause an unnecessary argument.

Yes!! I do the same with him and DC.

I feel your pain. Have you found anything that helps?

The second example is easy to explain - he's being pre-emptively defensive. Maybe he feels like you're too often critical. Only you can know if that's fair.

My mum is also a bit like that, goes straight to defensive if I ask a question even though it's just a normal question not me being critical.

Eg

me - Thanks for looking after dd today. What did she have for lunch?

Dm - She asked so nicely for it and I thought it's fine to give her a treat! You never said I had to give her something specific! Etc

Is your DH a politician? 😂

Could be. I am no longer overly critical as we have had couples counselling and this was my area to work on (although looking back I was just asking for him to pull his weight domestically and getting frustrated at the inequality).

My partner does it without realising, as his mum and (I've since discovered) his ex would try to catch him out, so he gives bland answers while he tries to work what the question is.
I try to be very clear with any questions, and also very clear if I am unhappy about anything so he doesn't feel like he has to guess. Once I realised what the difficulty is, it made it much easier to be patient with his responses.

Should be!! He’s very good at evasive answers and rarely follows through on a promise!!

I have a DH like this as well and think he's usually distracted. He also very often doesn't finish his sentences which drives me crackers! I now either call him out or walk off.

In your second example, if you really just want to know where the thing is, don’t keep arguing with him about whether it was clean or not. Just say, OK, where can I find it? Otherwise you are just feeding the irrelevant part of the conversation.

Ok. That makes sense. I’ll try and be mindful of what I’m saying. It’s just bloody exhausting! I just want to know where X is without having to do mental somersaults.

Yes I agree with this

I find it tiring sometimes too!

He is always listening to a pod cast too which doesn’t help. I have to repeat myself to start off with.

I think this is a good point. “What did you do with the vacuum cleaner?” sounds like an accusation. “Do you know where the vacuum cleaner is?” sounds neutral.

Yes. Good point. Although he’d probably then ask why I want it and I’d have to justify needing to clean it before he’d tell me it’s location. He’s very odd sometimes!

I’ll try and be more mindful of my language.

I think it's like a getting stuck in his thought process kinda thing. If you asked me what hours I was working I'd think "I'm on xx shift... that's a 9-3 shift." Where's such-and-such "when I had it it was clean. ..So I put it away in x" but he's getting stuck halfway.

My sister does this and it drives me potty!

I have now got very blunt and say "that doesn't answer my question" or "that isn't what I asked".