Not answering the question asked…

[CypressSunflower]

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

It's infuriating. It isn't just you. My DH does this all the time, and so do several others.

For example, work recently had a glitch in a logging system and lost some information on timings for events. I've had to email everyone and ask them what times are stated on their booking forms. I have titled the emails 'timings for your stay', explained the situation, and asked them to reply with the times. 100% of the replies have given me the dates and no times. 100%...like, all of them, not a single one has told me the answer to my question.

So yeah, not just you. It's bloody annoying.

My DH and I have learned to say 'can I have your full attention for a sec' because the other is often busy, and if we don't have the brain capacity to be repeating stuff it's better to get the full attention first.

Also have agreed it's okay to say 'yup you can have my full attention when i've finished x', it doesn't have to be instantaneous.

I do this too.

Can you answer the question I asked? And repeat the question.

I also have issues with where you get too much information. If I'm in a rush or just busy, and get the history of the world with the answer buried in there somewhere....

I like to think I'm quite an efficient person, and I hate faff...

It's probably that, then.

In my dm's case, I am often critical, and she's also generally anxious because of how she was treated as a child and by her ex.

So I have to wrap up every question in praise and reassurance

Eg

Thanks mum for looking after dd today. Sounds like she had a fab day. What did she have for lunch? Just want to know in case I do something too similar for dinner

Etc.

Maybe this will work for your dh, if it's the same thing.

He gets really cross if I do that - but that’s what I feel like doing.

And if you’d have preempted this by clarifying (“I mean times specifically, not the dates”) you’d have been accused of being patronising!! 🤦‍♀️

Ime I'm wondering if it's an ND trait ie asking a precise specific question (ND) and getting a nonsense response.

Oooo. That’s good.

In your case though, I'm sensing that you don't feel that your dh is being fair, because you feel your criticism is justified. In that case I think you need to go back to couples counselling so you can be re-allocated different areas to work on.

You ended up arguing over whether it was clean or not rather than just saying, where is it? Clean or not, it just diverts the conversation. I know what it's like as I think that happens to me sometimes, unless the question is massively direct you think they mean something else?!

OMG. Yes. This too!! And he can talk for ages with zero feedback. Ages!! Never picks up on cues that the other person is bored or in a hurry. But is mortally wounded if you ask him to stick to the point or cut him off in anyway.

So tell him to answer the question!

You: where is XYZ?
Him: it was clean!
You: answer the question.

If you want to make it less accusatory joke.

You: where is XYZ?
Him: it was clean!
You: are you thinking about going into politics, never answering the bloody question?

That's because it feels like even more criticism.

I'm not defending him, my dm really annoys me too. But the reason/solution is easy to work out

If 100% of people came back with incomplete information. It's you, not them love.

Change your question so for example "what did you do with x"elicits the response its clean my reply would be "that's nice but where did you put it?" if he responded with "its clean" again I would ask "and you put it where?" If he continued I would actually get a bit cross and say "I'm asking a simple question im not sure why your making this hard? Where did you put it?" Call him out on it

Mine answers a question with a question. Whenever I ask "where is x?' he says"wherever you left it ". Which isn't always the case,he moved my phone charger the other day,to a stool in the spare room, from where I left it on the bedside table.

Nice try to make the OP feel unreasonable but even if we accept her question wasn't 100% explicit enough and we can assume her husband is incapable of basic inference, "it was clean" doesn't in any way answer "what did you do with it?"

Nope! Here's my email...

Subject: Timings for your stay

Hey name,

We've had a system glitch and have lost access to the time you're hoping to arrive and leave during your stay next month.

Please would you be kind enough to let me know?

Thanks,

Name

I mean, I could have added the exact dates to show that I had that information already, but I had more faith in the human race that people knew the difference between date and time. Obviously misplaced faith though. Will keep lowering those expectations.

exactly!!!!

Though honestly I didn't pre-empt, I believed people would know the difference between date and time. How wrong I was!

It’s not trying to make the OP feel unreasonable, but her husband isn’t being unreasonable either

its simply a clash of communication styles

Yes. I know you are right and that’s what would smooth things. But… There is a bit of me that is sick of all the mental gymnastics (emotional Labour) I do everywhere. So many people in my life have big reactions to small things. I had a physically abusive alcoholic dad and a critical and unpredictable mum. I have worked on myself and learned ways to manage my reactions. Because I’m a parent and an adult. I get a bit tired of other people’s reactions, somehow being my responsibility to smooth out.

This sounds completely infuriating. With the first example do you think he’s just a slower thinker than you and has to go through the step of thinking what duty he’s on before he can think what the hours are? Or does it feel more like he expects you to know what hours that duty entails? Or does it just feel like he can’t be arsed to listen to your question?

With the second one I agree there’s no point being drawn on whether it’s clean and getting into a pointless argument (both of you) when you just want to know WHERE the ruddy thing is. Also agree that “what have you done with…” is just automatically a confrontational question compared with “do you know where x is?” So sounds like you can tweak your question asking but honestly he has no right to be angry if you ask for his full attention. Have you tried explaining to him that if he’s listening to a podcast and very distracted a lot it makes you feel ignored etc? I’ve tried that with my H and it has made a bit of a difference, at least he now knows I think it’s rude to try to listen to something and have a conversation at the same time!

Sorry, but it really isn't clear at all what you were asking for. Had to read it several times.

Totally get what you’re saying about emotional labour, he needs to understand that if you’re asking him something along those lines it’s not for your own amusement it’s because you need to know!!