Not answering the question asked…

[CypressSunflower]

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

It won't be forever though.

He's still transitioning to a new normal where you don't criticise him much any more. So you ask something and he inwardly flinches (is she about to criticise me again?). After, say, a year of you not criticising him much any more, he won't be pre-emptively defensive.

It does take that much time and effort to repair a relationship and yes there's a bit of eggshell walking to begin with.

If your heart isn't in it, then don't do it and go to plan B.

Mine also answers what should be a yes or no answer with a convoluted boring explanation that takes ages.

Thanks. Well yes. And assume I k ow what I’m talking about. I knew it wasn’t clean so why even doubt me. I never say things with certainty unless I’m absolutely certain. Whereas he…

This is interesting - my dh is very similar (posted after you) and is currently halfway through an autism assessment (we expect a diagnosis). I'm an ADHDer, so definitely have my own quirks, they are just different ones!

img my DH does this 😂
i will try to feel less irritated now I know he’s not the only one lol

You sound really black-and-white about stuff. So you were actually criticising him for putting it away before it was clean, his pre-emptive defensiveness was justified.

What's more important, that the casserole is clean, or chip-chipping away at each other's goodwill?

You said your dh does a lot more around the household. Is it still not enough though - if so, sit him down and work out a better division of tasks.

These little nit-pickings are like a death by a thousand cuts.

I don’t feel critical of him domestically any more to be honest. I carried the full mental load for years whilst doing a very difficult job to provide financial security. With lots of hard work, he now does see his role as a parent and co habitant as important and worthy of effort and does, on the whole, a great job.

I let lots slide (e.g. if he washes up, he never emptied the bowl of water or clean out the plug catcher thing - I just accept that and many other things because I know he is putting effort and energy into doing domestic stuff well).

So I am no longer critical but he still views me that way and assumes I think.

We are back in counselling around other issues. Time will tell.

Yes, I also have adhd! So I used to get offended, like what is he trying to hide? Why is he being so awkward? What's actually going on here? I have to say our relationship is so much easier now we know why I'm this way, and why he's that way! He's not being deliberately evasive he just genuinely doesn't know what information I need. And I need to calm down and just patiently help him get to the question. Plus, I now have new information I didnt know I wanted, so in my example I now know he's getting petrol so I won't have to tmrw. I know it starts at 3, so will be finished by 5 etc. 20 years we've been together and this diagnosis has finally put us on the same wave!

That’s how I feel A LOT of the time.

That’s lovely 😊

I often ask another question, psychology innit, so e.g. if I wanted to know what hours he's working, I'll ask "can you pick up xyz today?" so I get "I'm working 9am-7pm" (so no he can't pick xyz up)

Or "has the car been playing up for you recently?" He'll say "its been ok but its due its mot in june so we'll get it serviced anyway" if I want to check if he knows when the mot is due, if I directly ask if he knows off the top of his head when it's due he'd say he has no idea.

"Hey DP, what do you think about the situation with DS and his pal?" Means "what do you want for tea"

And so on.....

My DH does this sometimes - not all the time, but when he does it really annoys me.

Example from yesterday: we were out for lunch and had paid for parking.

Me: How long do we have left on the car?
Him: Enough time.
Me: I’m trying to see if I have enough time to go to the toilet before we leave. How much time do we have?
Him: You’ll be fine.
Me: trying to rephrase What time does the parking run out?
Him: I can just extend it if needs be.
Me: But what time is on it now?
Him: I don’t know, I’ll have to check the app.

So the reason for the vague answers was that he didn’t actually know. If he’d said that to begin with, I wouldn’t have been so frustrated.

Does he want you to do the math? I’ll say what I need and they can then work out how to meet that need! DH does a bit of this too. If we are going to visit my in-laws he’ll ask me what time we are leaving. I’ve stepped out of arranging things with his family and leave it to him now. So now I say ‘I haven’t thought about. Just let me know what you decide.’ And let him know if there are factors that need taking into consideration.

My husband sometimes does this. I then say to him sorry, maybe I wasn't being clear. What is it you think I am asking you?

Then I listen to what he thought I was asking and I can clarify.

If I can pull this off in an obviously light way then this may well work!

I’ll try that. Thanks.

Aaaargh!! So annoying.

Are we all married to the same guy? How do you not lose the will to live with them sometimes! I feel I have to interpret him.

I. Just. Need. A . Straight. Answer. Aargh!

So you went to couples therapy because he wasn't pulling his weight and the result is that you weren't begging him the right way?

So now you are walking on eggshells to just get simple answers to simple questions and are still in therapy, he still won't 'get the job done' and leaves you to half do everything behind him, and he is punishing you by wasting your mental time and space now by just dancing around any questions you ask?

If you said 'just answer the fucking question' what would happen?

Ah. The ‘where is the …’ issue. I get this a lot too. I realised that more often than not the thing is where it always is or very easy to find. I’d get involved with looking for it or just as I got up to help look, he’d find it.

I’ve learned to ignore. It now goes;

Him: ‘where’s the X?’
I ignore and carry on doing what I’m doing.
a little while later.. depending on how hard it was to find
Him: ‘ah it was there, I just couldn’t see it’ or ‘oh it was in the X’ (where it always is).

OP - I feel the pain, I get it!

In my house:

Me: what time are you leaving at tonight for X?

Him: yes.

Me: what time?

Him: I have to go to the thing tonight.

multiplied by a billion on a daily basis.

My stock phrase is "It wasn't a yes or no question!"

Or his other lovely trait is:

Asking a question - or answering one - while walking out the room I'm in, voice trailing off into the distance... I am left heeding mumbles and catching bits of words...

Me: SHOOT ME NOW

If you need to figure where your going wrong especially after couples counselling I'm sorry it didn't work. Pointless arguing for things over nothing does not make a relationship happy or work out.

Thank you. That’s reassuring. It’s actually him that does most of the criticising now (his behaviour has been very verbally aggressive) so it’s good to hear that I won’t be feeling like I do now after a year of him changing his behaviour - if he does.

No. I wasn’t being or feeling critical. I knew something he didn’t. Which is why I knew it needed cleaning. I didn’t expect him to do it, or that he would know. My criticism there is him doubting me when I said it wasn’t. Even if he’d have just said ‘oh, isn’t it? How come?’ I’d feel fine. But this is the thing that needs working on next. He doesn’t value my POV on lots of things and shouts me down. That’s why we are in counselling again.

I’m the same! I find myself screaming ‘just get to the point’ inside my head! My sister does this thing ‘guess who I met in Tesco today? Normally I wouldn’t be in on a Thursday but I saw they had an offer on teabags so I went to get some, of course, by the time I saw the offer there was none left! However, I’ve still got some left…..’ AAARGH!!!!!!