Not answering the question asked…

[CypressSunflower]

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

I have found my people! This is my husband. He cannot answer a question. I'm autistic and just need a straight answer to a very simple direct question but I don't get it and I think it's due to two things.

One, we suspect he is ADHD and while I don't understand how that results in this kind of vagueness, it does seem to be really common

Two, I think it might be related to something I learnt recently on a training course, which is that there are two types of people in this world, those who think in their heads and then speak out the results of that thinking and those who have to speak out their thinking and work their way to that answer.

I think these verbal faffers are the latter category so you ask what time they have to leave to be somewhere and they have to work that backwards from what time they're supposed to be there and how long the journey will take etc but they do all of that out loud into your own ears which for me is just filling up my head with stuff I didn't need to know and my head already struggles to deal with the stuff it needs to deal with so I find it really frustrating.

I am very direct with DH and say that's not what I asked. I just want to know what time you're leaving or I might say, Please do your thinking in your head to yourself or please do your thinking to yourself. I just want the answer.

People like this do get a bit offended by it, but I think they have to take ownership of the fact that they are complicating other people's lives by spewing out unnecessary noise and facts when we just want the answer to one question and don't want to have to deal with wading through the mire of their minds.

I don't see why we should have to walk on eggshells around that. I'm happy to stand there and allow time for people to think and work it out if they can't answer quickly, but I don't want to have to hear it because it makes my life more difficult

It is very frustrating to live with so and I'm doing my best to teach my children to just answer a question and also to teach them how to work out the answer because sometimes, especially with things to do with time, neurodivergent people get time blindness and I think it can be really hard for my DH to work out what time he has to leave somewhere. He is the classic person who will think he needs to be there at 10:00 and so he's aiming in his head to leave the house at 10:00 when of course he will be late, so some of it I think is to do with that as well.

So it's quite complex but still really frustrating and also not anyone else's problem!

Yes!! DH can’t seem to stand saying ‘I don’t know’.

I forgot to say that my DH is also like this. He will make stuff up instead of saying he doesn't know the answer to something which I find absolutely infuriating because it feels like he's lying to me because he's literally making stuff up and because I'm autistic people lying to me is a massive deal because I don't do lies. I just keep saying to him. If you don't know it's absolutely fine. Just say that!

I wonder sometimes if it's something from his childhood or maybe it is just an ADHD thing?

My dh is the bloody same. Just fucking give me a straight answer or say yes or no.

Me: What time do we need to leave at?
Dh: Well we don't want to be late.
Me: So what time?
Dh: Well traffic will be busy so we will need to leave early.
Me: So what time do you want to go at?
Dh: It will take us about 35 mins, so maybe allow 40.
Me: So what fucking time dh? What fucking time?
Just an example.

Familiar!

Thank you @Cofaki I realise i am someone who thinks by talking. Not in answer to a direct question like that, but definitely when I worrying or problem solving. I talk at poor old DH so i can firgive his ability to answer a question.
Currently finding journalling helpful as often i don't know what I think unless it's spoken or written

Ooo. Nice. I’ll try that.

i don’t think he does any of it deliberately but he has work to do nevertheless.

If I said that he’d get very very angry. That’s the focus currently in counselling b

I think some of you are being very impatient, assuming that there is some answer that your partners are deliberately withholding from you and not recognising that people need to think aloud to get to the answer. The ones about what time to leave are all people trying to figure that out by working backwards from when they need to be there and how to get there, factoring in traffic etc. Can you honestly say that in the other person's shoes, you would have an instant answer?

Yes. This too. Or walking off/looking at his phone half way through what I’m saying. I just stop talking now and that seems to work.

Is this the type of booking where the guest knows that the time is significant? Eg if I were booking a hotel I wouldn’t think I had to tell them what time I was arriving, as you can decide last minute and check in any time after xx time. So they maybe don’t understand why you need to know time, and that’s why they have answered date.

Well indeed. I guess I need to keep side stepping the spurious arguments. As PP have said, whether the thing was clean or not didn’t matter and wasn’t an issue. I just needed to find it. He can be dog with bone though. I’m always optimistic about humans changing so I’ll keep trying.

So what would you do here? Keep asking, or sit tight and wait for the answer?

See both of these seem to have fairly obvious explanations to me.

1. he thinks you know his shift times, so by saying “early shift” or whatever, he assumes you know his early shift always starts at 7. Is it possible you’ve not been paying attention to what he has been saying in the past? He might find it quite annoying to have to tell you every single time that the early shift starts at 7.

It’s like if you wore a uniform for work and someone said when you woke up”what are you planning to wear today?”. You might answer “I’m working today” rather than “My work uniform”.

As for the second one, he clearly heard your “question” as being “I know you put x item in the clean things place and I disagree it was clean”. He doesn’t realise you genuinely don’t know where it is.

Is it a man thing do you think? Do they feel pressure to be right or know stuff? May be it’s the cost of privilege? People have assumed you know what you are talking about, have deferred to you, stopped and listened to you, so you internalise that you should and must know stuff? If you don’t then you are somehow failing?

I’ve been meaning to start to journal. I may try that.

My father in law does this! We went to visit and DH said, "Do you want a cuppa, dad?" to which his dad replied, "I've just brought my cup downstairs"
Of course, my husband was stumped. "So do you want me to make you a cup of tea then or not?" To which his dad repeated his initial reply. Eventually my husband had to ask whether bringing the cup downstairs meant that he didn't want a cuppa because he'd just had once or was it a yes he wanted one and his cup was available to be filled? And his dad got annoyed and said, "I've just told you! I brought my cup downstairs!!!" My husband gave up asking and made one for me and one for himself. Afterwards it appeared that his dad was expecting one. He didn't get it.

So now in our house if you don't answer a question with anything that helps then we just say "I just brought my cup downstairs" so you know you're being a fucking vague idiot.

That’s a fair point. But I’d also argue that;

1: when you do that, you are then creating work for the other person who has to listen, process and respond to each statement. Every now and again that’s ok, but several times a day is draining.
2: my example was a simple question and he knew the answer. I could have phrased it differently but he knew where it was.

No to the first. He is self employed so his hours are very unpredictable. I’ve asked him to put it in the shared diary but he won’t. So if I want to know when he’s out and when he’s home I have to ask.

Yes, I can see that the way I asked could be misinterpreted so I can work on being clearer. But to be honest, this happens whether I’m very clear or not.

Thank you so much as always fab MNs. Always helps to get some objective feedback. I feel reassured and gently challenged to change what I do too. 🙏

Edited as it said duty not shift 🤦‍♀️

Exactly, you need to be really specific . And even then some won’t get it, but then you know it’s them and not you!

This! I will quite often say to DH that I'm on a "normal day/long day/on call," rather than specify times.

A lot of this (not just from OP) is not about the other person being deliberately slow/obstructive/faffy, but having different mental models and not being able to fully share everything immediately. People often will genuinely hear a different question from what the questioner thinks they have asked, and it's endlessly debateable whether the flaw there is in the questioner not being specific enough, or the responder not understanding right. There are also a lot of impatient people on this thread.

Using the "what time are we leaving?" question, if the person being asked hasn't specifically thought/decided yet, when you ask, they are going to have to work through the different steps. As someone else said, some people will do that in their head - but this could lead to a long silence and an accusation that they haven't listened - or they give a number that the questioner doesn't agree with, so they have to defend themselves. If they do the thinking out loud, it's frustrating for the questioner who just wants a number, but to the person answering it's "showing your working," (like in Maths GCSE!) so that any possible flaws could be identified and discussed. I'm not sure either way would get you to the final answer any quicker.

DP does this and has ADHD. He’s explained that a lot of the time, he has heard the question and knows what type of answer I want – a time, a place, a thing – but as he’s computing the time, thinking of what place, or whatever, his brain goes “Ooh, shiny!” and off down the rabbit hole he goes; but because his was a late diagnosis (38), he spent a lifetime masking and knows in conversation if someone’s asked something he needs to supply an answer, to play his part. So his mouth supplies any old thing in answer, usually related to the “ooh, shiny!” rabbit hole of distraction, without him actually stopping to consider it properly.

So recently:

Me: have you had a look at the links to sheds that I sent? We need to order one soon.
Him: I’ve got to take the car for petrol tomorrow.
His brain: I heard the word “soon”, there was something I needed to do soon, and I think pelargoniums is talking about the garden project again and we definitely need the car sorted so we can go and get compost, ooh, need to get petrol for that, and my only opportunity is tomorrow morning, so whatever she’s talking about I won’t be able to do tomorrow. This answer will please her!

He is perfectly happy with me going “ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU’VE BEEN ASKED NOT THE RANDOM THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD” and can generally be prodded back on track, so long as whatever random thought is acknowledged:

Me: I’m going to get DC new wellies after school, do you need anything from the shoe shop part of town?
DP: There’s an exhibition at the gallery late night thing, can we swap baby monitor duties on Friday?
Me: Yes, that’s fine. ::Faff around putting it in the Google calendar and wall calendar:: Now, can I redirect you to mission wellies and if you need anything from that bit of town.
DP: Actually, if you go past the post office could you grab some stamps please.

But if I try to redirect to my query without following him down his rabbit hole and resolving it, he can’t do it. He’d be like your DH saying “it’s clean!” Because his brain has got caught on a nail and has to be worked free gently, not yanked.

Yes, it’s fucking annoying.