Not answering the question asked…

[CypressSunflower]

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

Him saying 'It's clean!' repeatedly means he knew it wasn't clean when he put it away.

Absolutely yes I didn't mean to imply that it was all on you to adapt and make changes. If he is getting angry a lot, that is unacceptable and a more urgent issue to fix than your not-quite-criticisms.

At the end of the day though, if you've chosen to try and make the relationship work, it's good to consider just how much of a marathon not a sprint it'll be. Some things will just have to be tolerated initially (not him being angry- but him being a bit defensive about housework maybe)

Yes, I would, because if i'm going somewhere I will have worked out what time I need to leave and written that in my diary so I can plan my day accurately around the activity.

However, I have no issue with someone saying "I'm not sure, hang on I'll just work it out" as I can then switch my brain off from listening to them until they then give me the answer I wanted. So they can speak out loud through all the workings, then come to me and say "I've worked it out now, I'll be leaving at 2pm".

What I do not have patience for is them not answering the question and making me ask them loads of times as a prompt for them to individually work through each element of their working out, which means that I either get a non-answer each time or I have to prompt them through the different elements to get to the answer I need. That puts the work on me and is not OK. I have enough mental load without people adding to it because they can't be arsed to do the work themselves.

Oh my word, I recognise so much of this. OP, @SwanRonsen @weareallcats @Lillers are ALL actual examples I have had with DH.

Incidentally, one of the first signs I had that DS was ND was I felt I had these conversations with him when he was 3. This was the sort of conversation we'd have all the time:

DS: Mum, what's for dinner?
Me: Fish and chips?
DS: but what's for dinner?
Me: Fish and chips... andg etting more and more frustrated.

I think it has something to do with info processing. We suspect DH also has ADHD.

Interestingly though, a lot of the examples on here are around time and I so recognise this. I've had to learn that DH literally can't think in blocks of time less than 30 minutes. So, in his head, tasks take 30 minutes, 1 hour, 90 minutes etc. And he cannot plan ahead outside of that mindset. I suspect some version of this, is what happens with some of these questions. So when I ask DH what time he's leaving and he tells me what time his shift starts is, I think, because of the odd way he looks at time. Or I'll ask him what time the actual shift starts because I'm trying to work out when he's goign to be offline but he'll keep telling me when he's leaving.

My husband also does this.

He then gives long, unnecessarily detailed, waffly answers.

Now I politely say “Short answer please, love.”

Mum? Is that you?

🤣🤣

Seriously though, you have no idea how infuriating it is. My poor Father has put up with this for 50 years. It drives him to despair and it's the thin end of a massive wedge of my mother's refusal to acknowledge her anxiety. You don't know better than the person asking the question as to what they want. Stop assuming you know better. Stop assuming they don't know enough to ask the right question. Just stop it, please.

And I think that I, too, would have been recognised as ND. But never mind, I don't feel the need to pursue a diagnosis now.

The thread has been interesting. In my own case, I think I "don't answer the question" because of fearing criticism, so I am trying to give the answer in a way that doesn't reflect badly on myself or in a way that can't be twisted. And that's a childhood habit, not a problem with my DH. I might consider therapy if I had oodles of money and time, but I don't (instead I have a disabled kid).

Is he a Tory MP? If not, he should be, its a skill they all have.

From what I can tell he answered your question; just not in the way you wanted it answered.
I'd be frustrated with you keep asking tbh

I feel your pain! I had an ex-husband who used to do this and my eldest son does it too! I assumed it was an autism thing (ex and two sons have autism).

He also does this thing where I say something like “You need to hurry as it’s a quarter past 8). His reply is “It’s not, its’s only 8.13”.

I’ve just learned over the years to adjust my style of communication and not get annoyed as he’s not doing it on purpose. I also try to just to ask very specific questions, even if that means asking more questions than I would need if someone was asking me the same question.

Do you have a history of kicking off on him for having 'done the wrong thing', 'the right thing the wrong way', or 'something that didn't need doing'?

Asking from the other side as someone who often feels the need to explain her actions.

Yes because id work in out in my head before answering

Which is your privilege if you're not neurodivergent. Some of us cannot work all this out in one step. We have to work it through bit by bit.

But you don't have to do it out loud. One step at a time in your head will do

Get lost. Why?

Why do I have to live in a way that inconveniences me because you couldn't be arsed to listen to someone figure out an answer?

Why can't you show some restraint and patience and actual love towards these people you are in realstionships with instead of assuming everything they do that irritates you is a personal slight and not just them being a human being in a way that works best for them?

I haven't been on Mumsnet for a while and I don't think I'll stay. Dismayed at how little compassion there is on display.

I do this... sort of.

I had the exact opposite situation with my DM growing up. She would ask me a question, which I would answer, and then she would have to ask a different question because I hadn't read her mind and answered the question she actually wanted answering.

So I started second-guessing what it was she was trying to ask...

Maybe people don't realise how difficult questions can be for neurodivergent people. There is so much processing that has to happen under a time pressure of the other person's expectation of an answer. After a while, they can just send someone into an immediate panic.

He may be ND. And I try to be patient. But I’m perimenopausal and my ability to process, remember and word find have been horribly effected. I have better days but I can really relate to that sense of panic as DH will keep questioning me, without a gap, getting more irritated as I struggle to work out what I think and then articulate it. So, I am not feeling inclined to feel anything other than irritation towards him to be honest. Which isn’t helpful but it is inherently irritating and drains my energy to navigate it. I do my best to be patient, but to be honest I think he’s being defensive. Whatever I say, he assumes I’m either being critical, irrational or stupid, and so answers the question he thinks I should have asked or that shows him in the best light. Or he’s trying to make my life harder by being belligerent.

Classic example. We had agreed to play a board game as a family. He was on his lap top doing something. I was setting the game up and wasn’t sure whether I needed to count him in or not. So this is how it went;

me; ‘Are you playing hun?’
him: ‘I’m doing X’
me; ‘I am wondering whether or not to count you in the game?’ Not at all cross, quite chill here and happy.
him; ‘I am doing X because it needs doing by Y’
me; starting to get a tiny bit irritated as I’m waiting poised to set his bit up and kids are wanting to start: ‘Ok, but are you wanting to play or not? Do you want us to wait for you?’ Slightly irritated tone of voice here, I admit.
him; ‘why are you getting angry?!’ In an angry voice
me; (deliberately calming my voice down) ‘Sorry, I’m not angry, I just need to know whether to set the game up for you to play’
him: ‘You were angry. I am just doing X because it needs doing!!’ - angry voice.
me; now also angry ‘Ok. I know. But I am just trying to work out whether its going to take ages and you are not playing, or if it’s quick and you want us to wait!’
him: ‘why are you so angry? I am just doing X because I need to!’

At this point I gave up, said ‘OK’ in a calm way and set the game up just for me and the kids.

So, to me, the answer to the first question, should have been;

’Yes, but I am just doing X, give me five mins’

or

‘no, I need to do X and I’m going to be a while’.

ND or not, that’s pretty easy isn’t it? He is very intelligent and articulate. He’s a quick thinker with a good memory, including working memory and processing. Better than mine. He works with people and has to read between the lines and be quite attuned.

I can’t see how my question could be misinterpreted and I certainly clarified in the second question. So why did he not just answer the bloody question??!!!

You say are you playing? He says I'm doing x just take that response as a no and move on if he asks why you didn't count him in say you said you were busy doing something else so we played without you if he gets angry ask him why he is angry?

Tbh the dynamics are way off in your relationship he almost goads you then criticises you for your reaction you cannot control him so control your response instead

Tonight:

me: how long did you boil the eggs for
DH: oh a good while
me: how long?
DH: did my ironing while I waited
me: ok so how long did you boil the eggs
DH: I don’t know
me: are they hard boiled?
DH: yeah should be they were in there for a good 10 minutes

Youve inspired me to add 2 hard boiled eggs to today's potato salad so thank you.

10 minutes, I've asked Alexa to pop a ten minute timer on.

And why should I being hard of hearing have to struggle to hear your working out loud rather than a must easier direct answer. Works both ways you know