Not answering the question asked…

[CypressSunflower]

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

How would you need it worded? I'd much rather be clear and not get exasperated by people not understanding when it seems clear to me.

Sorry @Pineconepicture it sort of sounds like how someone with poor English would ask for dates of the stay, more specific would have been along the lines of “what time are you planning to arrive on x and leave on y?” Or what time are you planning to arrive at the museum? Etc. But I do sympathise I’ve written things before that I think are perfectly clear and then it turned other people didn’t understand at all and they were a bit ambiguous.

Yes 'time' can mean 'what length of time' ie dates, so can understand how this situation arose. Sorry @Pineconepicture
I would have replied with dates and times probably, if I'd received your email though ( she say, with hindsight 😂)

this is way more educational than I expected it would be 😂always learning!

And that's ok for you to feel like that, but this was your area to work on in couples counselling.

It sounds to me like you need to go back to couples counselling.

To me (armchair counsellor here, classic mumsnet):

He feels like you're being critical a lot.
You feel that, if he'd just be a bit less useless in the household, you wouldn't have to criticise.

Who is right? If he is indeed useless in the home, it might be better thrashing that out with the counsellor.

If you want this relationship to revive, I think you need to resolve this. People on here suggesting witty retorts and put-downs are doing so to cheer you up, but it'll make the problem worse.

As they say often on mn, when contempt sets in, the relationship is doomed

My mum is like this, does my head in

"Shall we leave in about ten minutes?"

"I can't leave until I've done the dishwasher"

"Ok, how long will that take, about ten minutes?"

"Yes"

Grrr

Gotta love mumsnet!
And also a poster who doesn't double down upon a challenge 💕

I wonder if you generally struggle with comprehension then? This email is clear as day.

My DH (referenced earlier) will reply about what time he needs to be somewhere, when I ask him when he's leaving.

It feels like lots of posters who have found “solutions” to this are actually walking on egg shells and not realising it

If he’d gone through school now I think he’d have been labelled ND.

Not in my case. I understand DH's reasons, learned to be very clear with my qustions, and we treat it with love and good humour. And also I remind him which wife I am 😂

It is to me as well, but I deal with a lot of people in my work and it's good to learn different ways of communicating to ensure that people like @grinandslothit or @CreakingLilacHamster who are not the same as me also understand what I'm trying to say. Makes my life easier in the long run. So have appreciated the feedback here tbh :D

I think I have a lot less to be critical of. He does now do a fair share - it took A LOT of work but now, there are things that he does that aren’t how I’d do them and he’s not great at it, but he does put effort into domestic stuff now. So I can’t complain, and don’t. The example I gave wasn’t anything I was annoyed about. It was just he didn’t know the full story about why the thing needed cleaning. So I think I’m no longer critical but he still views me as such and misinterprets things easily (critical mother and father).

We are in counselling again around other issues and may not stay together, but I want to give it my best shot for DC.

Dropping son off at golf:

Me: what time do we need to leave?
Him: I'm teeing off at 11
Me: OK what time do we need to leave?
Him: I need to be there for 10.30
Me: WHAT TIME TO WE NEED TO EFFING LEAVE!!!!!!
HIM: what you shouting for?
Me: I just need to know when we need to leave, I've asked 3 times why won't you tell me
Him: 10 10
Ne: why didn't you just say so!!!!!

I should have ignored the clean or not discussion but I think he’d have been a dog with a bone over it.

I'd just stop explaining myself.

Instead of 'what did you do with x' just ask him 'where is x' if he doesn't give you the answer, explain that, 'I didn't ask if it was clean, I asked where it was, where is it'

The first example 'I'm working x shift' respond with 'I don't know what x shift means, what's your start and finish time'

My dh does this too and after years of finding it exhausting I now expect it so just calmly repeat the question until he finds the information I'm asking for.
Eg
"What time are you leaving?"
"I need to be there at 3"
"What time are you leaving?"
"I need to get petrol on the way"
"What time are you leaving?"
"It's about a 20 minute drive if I go the back way"
"What time are you leaving?"
"Probably 2.20"
"Righto"

He's just been diagnosed with autism and now it makes so much sense. Often he can be joining in with a conversation and sort of running parallel to it rather than being in it if that's names sense. He's talking about the same subject, but not quite on track with everybody. Our son has auditory processing disorder and I think he may have it too. So he hears that the topic is the journey but can't quite access what the specific question is ie leaving time, so he sort of flails around with related information that's important to him until he hits the jackpot. I deliberately repeat the question exactly the same way rather than rephrase it each time because then he has to 'translate' the new question each time. Once he's heard it a few times it gets through and I get the information I need. It used to be exhausting but I'm so used to it now it's normal.

Yes. I needed to be more clear and avoid the clean or not clean debate. I’m going to try harder. I’m just bloody exhausted by having to adapt what I see as a straight forward question. But I can see why it’s worth doing.

mu BiL does this. I think it’s because of low confidence, expecting traps and criticism. I have no idea how it’s started for him and when but he was this way when he got together with my sister (second marriage in their 40s) It didn’t help that my sister was in general very vocal and emotional, so her being vocal had a snake charming effect on BIL ( he was a snake in this situation).
It came to a point when it’s impossible to get a straight short answer from him
e.g He is coming from the garden .
Me: oh is it raining outside?
Him: you know pizza, it’s not exactly raining but etc etc
The answer became very long and vague and what was supposed to be a quick exchange sometimes for politeness was turning into complete waste of time.
My sister uses very short abrupt questions but I can’t do it as it sounds impolite so I never ask him questions now. I don’t see him often so. it’s not s problem for me.
I believe it’s affected his work as well as he missed out on promotion.

Totally recognise this in dh! Examples from me:

me - What time will you be back?
him - I'm on the M5.

me - What time will you be back?
him - I'm getting the 17.07.

me - Which train are you getting?
him - I've got a meeting in the city at 3.

And so on...

I've learnt to ask him whether he needs dinner - that tends to get a more straightforward response!

Omg, seems like everybody struggles with leaving time!!

Oh god, my husband does this a lot of the time and it’s infuriating. Just answer the question! Also he asks vague questions, example from the other week;

HIM: where’s the bag?
ME: what bag?
HIM: where’s the bag?
ME: what bag? The changing bag, recycling bag, shopping bag?
HIM: where’s the bag?
ME: if you could answer my question….
HIM: oh, found it

Turns out he meant the freezer bag. We hadn’t just been to Iceland or similar so l couldn’t have guessed it was that. He thinks l was being difficult! For clarity we own a lot of bags with 4 people living here. Plus how can l know the location of every bag? Never mind which bag he means

Mine does this an awful lot as well. It's really annoying.

Having reflected I think it’s deliberate evasion in case it’s a ‘trap’ as one person above said. I think he thinks I’m going to prove he did something wrong. I’m not but he’s very defensive. The only time I’m a bit like that is when he’s being evasive. So I need to just be upfront and say I think he’s being evasive rather than asking questions to try and get to the bottom of something.

I did try to say that it would be nice if he was more present but he just got stroppy. I gave up.