.... to be so upset about DS's 21st birthday

[Ladydriver110]

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

• after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
• my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

It’s not acceptable but that’s what is underneath. Op on some level has lost her son, and the 21st birthday situation has only brought this deep feeling to the surface.

I think you've blown this out of proportion. So it's "tradition" for everyone to sit around and open presents together (and presumably look happy and amazed). Will you do this for every event for ever? Or are people allowed to make their own traditions?

I don't understand why you left the presents at your DM's house if you didn't want them opened and you were going round later.

A 21 year old is unlikely to get super excited about what you've bought. You were wanting the "occasion" to be more than it was.

Sadly, the most memorable thing about your DS's birthday is now going to be that his mum had a go at him. You couldn't have swallowed your feelings to make his birthday special? Or had a quiet word tomorrow?

He's 21!
He's an adult and it sounds like you're babying him to be honest.

I was with you until this post.
You and your mum are babying your adult son. (different to giving extra support to an ND adult child in helping them navigate the world)

He in return has been enabled to be thoughtless…as in this example with gifts to you and this has extended to his behaviour in opening his birthday gifts without you there when he knows that is how your family ‘do’ birthdays. Your mum and son have reacted defensively because they know they are out of order.

So you not being unreasonable to feel hurt… your feelings have been discarded by your mum and son. You are unreasonable however to be shocked that this has happened.

I was 3000 miles away on my 21st! He needs to spread his wings.

Next time if he is around, ask him to come over and open presents. DM can come too. Cake and drinks and start taking the lead by organising special events yourself. If he wants presents, money etc he can come to you next time!

There wasn't a "family celebration". There was nothing planned at all. OP had no idea when she was going to see her DS and was only going to her DM's house for lunch because that was a regular thing.

This is DS's birthday. There has been no conversation about when OP will see him, will there be something "special for lunch or maybe they could go out to celebrate", perhaps they could get him a cake ... you know, normal birthday things? No plans at all. Can't really blame DS for opening presents that had been left for him.

I can understand you were disappointed but having a go at your child on their birthday was not on. They probably didn't think that their 21st was a big deal because it isn't nowadays. My children are in their 20s and there's no way I would make the fuss you do on their birthdays. They are adults now and they can choose how they celebrate.

I'm not a big fan of present opening as a performance in general. At 21 I can see why he's getting fed up of doing this. I understand wanting to be close when you don't have a lot of family but be careful of smothering him.

I understand why you were upset.

With the benefit of hindsight, I expect you wish you hadn't taken the presents over in advance.

I think it was pretty thoughtless of both your mum and your son to not give you a call to say he was going to open the presents.

That said, he is 21 and an adult and ND. PP's have pointed out that gift giving is meant to be for the benefit of the recipient and not the giver. I would encourage you to try and calm down so that you are able to talk to one another. Then perhaps he can tell you what he thinks of the gifts and appreciates the thought that went into them.

I would try to take this as a sign of seeing how he is living his life as an independent adult and that where there are important things that you want to share with him, that needs to be communicated clearly in advance.

All the best OP, I would be disappointed too.

As an adult, I've long found it embarrassing and hate the pressure to meet the giver's expectations. I do the "Oh, lovely, thank you!" response but inside I'm often cringing.

You shouldn't have 'had a go' at him at all. Regardless of whether it was his birthday or your hormones.

You dropped some presents off at his house. He opened them on his birthday.

Why did you take the gifts over in advance if you weren't going to give them until you were there? That would have made me think you wanted him to open them as soon as his birthday started rather than waiting. A bit of a misunderstanding maybe.

Him not waiting five minutes for you to say Happy Birthday in person I would find very inconsiderate. Did he know at that point that you were annoyed about the present debacle and didn't want to face you?

I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all.

It sounds like he didn't want that though because if he did he would have waited.

@BettyBardMacDonald is exactly right, the presents were stored at DM's house and I hadn't given them to him yet.

It is completely not true that there were wasn't a family event planned. We had arranged to get together for either a birthday lunch or a birthday tea. We just didn't know which because it would depend what time DS arrived, which would in turn depend on where he had spent the night and what time he got up. There's no point asking him to turn up at a specific time because he doesn't ever keep to time. He doesn't even correctly perceive the passage of time. We have learned to work around it.

I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too.
It's your little family tradition to open presents together, so I don't know what your mum was thinking to allow him to open them without you being there - especially as they were gifts from you! And especially as you were 5 minutes down the road! Your DS doesn't come out well in it either. Yes he's 21 and not 5 as people keep saying but why wouldn't he want you there to see him open his gifts when it's the norm for your family.
I'd be pretty bloody pissed off with them both!

I’m sorry you are upset op but I think this is more than about opening presents. I think you may be slightly jealous that your ds is choosing to stay with your dm most of the time and not with you.

Tbh I think if you wanted to be sure of having the big opening event with cake and photos etc then you should have planned a lunch or dinner or tea at your house and invited everyone there and then you would have had more control over how things went.

The fact you didn’t do this leads me to think that maybe you were unsure whether ds and your dm, one or the other, would turn up or not and respect your boundaries around this event in some way.

Yes it would have been nice if your mum had said “wait for your mum to get here”
but do you think this was done with malevolence or did she just not fully understand the brief?

You said you needed a lot of support from your mum with raising your ds so maybe boundaries have become a bit blurred over the years?

By letting your mum plan lunch there, or by not taking the initiative and doing it yourself, and by taking presents over in advance, then you basically ceded control to your mum.

Also, although you were upset, and you understandably reacted negatively in the moment, sorry to say, but you alienated your ds further, because from his pov you were more interested in the photo and having “your moment” with him rather than understanding that none of that mattered to him as much as it did to you.

Easy to say in hindsight but it would have been better if you had paused when hearing he’d opened the presents, swallowed down your disappointment, enjoyed lunch together and celebrated his birthday with good grace. At one point you could have joked and said “casually” “thanks for opening your presents before I got here mate” but tbh, you know that as your ds has ADHD, impulsivity comes with the territory.

Sorry to say op, but I think you all need to apologise to one another here and you need to be the first one to reach out and be the bigger person.

And after that, you need to re-establish your relationship with your ds away from your dm.

Not easy at his age when he is probably more focused on his friends. But try and establish a little “ritual” when you invite him out regularly on a Sunday evening for spag bol or just a coffee or whatever and you have one on one time together. Be flexible about it, keep it casual, as there will be times he won’t be able to come, but try and re-establish an adult non-judgmental relationship together, where you are not so much a mother figure but a loving concerned friend who is interested in his life, not trying to control it.

Good luck op 💐

Well I'd be upset too, op.
Of course you'd expect to be there to see your son open his presents (only on MN is a 21st birthday not a special occasion 🙄) especially as you'd put a lot of thought and effort into it.
I think your mum needs to back off a bit, and your son needs to grow up and think about other people a bit more

Tbh, I would have anticipated this might happen, and would have kept them in my own home, and either asked him to come down to yours on the day to open them, or taken them to your mums the day of his birthday, unfortunately your ds is now going to remember his 21st for the drama. I would have been upset but not caused a big issue about it on the day, but maybe mentioned a few days later that you were upset, and why.

Anyway, I had a talk with DS last night - I asked if he could spare a little time to pop in and he did. At first he was still mad with me but as soon as I explained why I was upset, he remembered how much mum and I love to see him open his gifts (he plays along because he knows we love it so much) and he completely understood. He's ND, not stupid. He gave me the biggest hug ever and got upset with himself for being so thoughtless. He's probably forgotten all about it by now, though.

To be fair though, how can you ‘not allow’ an adult to do anything. He’s 21. It’s not up to his gran to say what he can and can’t do. The decision was his.

Rude and selfish for opening presents at gran's?

I’m sorry you are upset op but I think this is more than about opening presents. I think you may be slightly jealous that your ds is choosing to stay with your dm most of the time and not with you.

If I wanted DS home more, all I have to do is get fibre broadband (I have no plans to get fibre broadband).

It does sound upsetting but if you had taken the gifts there he/ they probably assumed he could open them. Otherwise you could have brought them round with you when you went round.

Yes
OP said she'd made her feelings clear over the phone and called him a liar

And did YOU apologise for making his birthday all about you?