12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Second children don’t count, only first children do.

Neither child should have any say. It is the responsibility of the grown ups.

I'd be absolutely disgusted, leaving out a 15 year old. That's awful. No I wouldn't let the 12 yo go either. You all stick together. The 12 yo is hardly missing out anyway, it's just a wedding. I bet your DH is fuming.

This is obviously a completely different poster.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted with MANY people's response that a 'blended family' should expect this, 'of course the 12y old should go. It's HER family' etc. I mean, what is seriously wrong with our society.

OP, if I was you, I would exit this thread stage right.

You are right. NONE of you should go. Your 12 year old will be told it is disgusting to leave out a child who has been in the family for over 10 years. She will learn an important lesson here over etiquette and respect. Many people at this wedding (friends for a 'season') will be gone over the next 10 years or so. So why drive a wedge between a family unit for a "work mate"/seasonal bestie" to take a place.

I can't believe how many people think the 12 year old should go. What an appalling way to treat your eldest DC who has been a part of your DH's life and family for all these years.

His family should be ashamed and embarrassed.

But those of us mentioning "blood" family are assuming the thought processes of the DH's family in this scenario, not stating own views. I don't subscribe to such prejudices.

Well yes!

When I was a kid we only knew about such things after they been accepted!

Deliberately shitty planning by the bride and groom.

However, let the 12 yo go. She'll probably be bored to sobs and wish she hadn't bothered .

Can grandparents or other relatives keep an eye on her?

I think you have to teach your younger daughter about loyalty. Your nuclear family is the primary relationship and that has to be nurtured and protected. I absolutely would not allow my dd to go to the wedding. Your eldest daughter is part of the family and that is that. I wonder what they would have done if your DH had adopted her.

The two scenarios aren't comparable.

A family wedding where only one member of the family unit is excluded is not the same as a teenager party where only one member of the family is invited in the first place.

I can’t believe that a whole bunch of people a girl has considered family for the majority of her life are allowing this.

Why the heck hasn’t mother or father of the groom had a quiet word in the groom’s ear?

Has your husband spoken to the groom about it?

I think its a bit weird not to invite both girls.

I've not idea how you go about navigating it without a family fall out. I think going on holiday might just be the best answer.

For future things and heaven forbid something happened to you. Would your DH consider adopting your DD?

I think if the daughter was older & living away it might be different.

But she is a child living permanently with the rest of the family!

I've never considered my step cousin to be anything other than a cousin. Technically he's a step but I don't refer to him like that or treat him any differently. He's my family.

Really surprised at these responses.
I think you’ve made the right call.
I’m assuming you all live together with your older dd? How horrible to leave her out, to essentially say she’s not part of the family because she’s not blood.

I find it so upsetting that the marrying couple would view your family not as a family of four, but as three people they are willing to invite and one that they consider not biologically related enough and so is not invited; a poor sweet 15yo at that. They specifically singled her out. Astonishing.
Could your DH have a word with his relative and express the hurt?
Your poor DDs, both of them, what an awkward horrible situation. Not sure what to say about the one who is invited, it's all so unfair on everyone

I cannot see how this is in the least bit relevant. They’re a family. It’s vile behaviour to exclude step a child.

But you are not making a decision for a 12 year old, are you. You are making a decision for a 20 year old and a 30 year old, and a 60 year old, who will not have been to her cousins wedding.

Its her life, and her family, and she has been invited, and she will still be aware that she is missing from the photos and the memories decades after her parents are gone.

Weddings are limited in number, it is silly to take offense. They can't invite everybody. They have invited her

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone let her go with her grandparents. You, DH & 15 year old go off and do something else really nice that day… or DH go and do a hobby if he has one and you and your eldest go for a spa or something really nice x

I grew up in a similar set up to your kids OP - two older half siblings from my mum’s first marriage. When my parents got married both of my older siblings were under five. So I’m basically your 12 year old.

My dad’s family have always included my half siblings as part of the family and they were never excluded from weddings or family events. Their kids are also seen as part of my dad’s family now, a generation on. Everyone saying that this is just the way stepkids are treated is wrong- it’s a choice and a hurtful one.

I can see why the 12 year old is upset but I think in the long term it’s better to reinforce the message that you’re one family. That’s as important for your 12 year old as the 15 year old. I can see why your DH is upset, it’s saying that his role as a stepdad is less important than his role as a bio dad, when sounds like he’s brought them both up.

Disagree, her sister has been deliberately left out, indicating she is not really family.

God this is appalling behaviour from the bride and groom. They have effectively singled out a 15 year old and made sure she knows that she is worth "less" to them. I'd be fucking steaming.
You either invite them both or neither.

FWIW, I'd (gently) put a stop to the 12 year olds behaviour too before she starts to believe that she's better than her sister too. She is 12. She does as she's told.

We’re talking about a 12 yo here, you weirdo..

No - she will understand when she’s older that her sister was being excluded and her mum was sticking to her principles.