12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Or she won’t but that’s the gamble.

@Thulpelly weddings are nearly always difficult to decide who comes and who doesn't.

Technically she isn't family. We don't know how much time they spend together however he's prioritising blood which is fair enough.

Personally I'd have invited her but it would've annoyed me because it would probably have meant not having someone else that I'd rather have.

I’m quite disgusted actually at the amount of posters saying your 12 year old should be going because it’s ’her family’. It’s also your eldest DD’s family and they have behaved appallingly!

Your DH has said nobody is going and that should be the end of it in my opinion. It’s his family and he’s made that decision. Your 12 year old will just have to get over it and realise how awful they have treated her sister. How would she feel if she was the one not invited? Your eldest has been part of the family longer than your 12 year old, blood or not.

I agree with this.
Op, you should calmly explain dd2 this from dd1's point. Also, that dd1 is as much part of family as she is.

On a side note, my 40 year old sister still argues like your dd2, I am not saying your dd will be always like this, whe maybe behaving like a self centred teenager. But in my sister's case everyone always let her do what she wanted, so she has hard time understanding others' feelings and believes in speakinh her mind without any regards for others. My mum never corrected her because she was the youngest in famiky. I hope you are able to make dd2 understand that others feelings are important too. How can she say the cousin is not be cousin of other DD when she lived in this family since age 4, for last 12 years?

A 12 year old would know or should know why this is wrong!

what principles? the principles of taking offense that not everyone can be invited to a wedding?

This.

"I totally blame her for not standing by us as a family."

She's far too young for that blame and anyway, why should she when you're keeping her from her family?

Yes, it's upsetting your eldest hasn't been invited but it could be for any number of reasons. I applaud you and DH for not going out of principle, but you have no right to make your youngest support a cause she doesn't believe in. And as for your DH not forgiving his brother, that's ridiculous. How much say does he honestly think the guy has over his 30 year old son?

As I said, I'm with you and DH not going in solidarity of DD1, but not letting your DD2 go is a mistake, and one you could all regret for years to come.

It is the decision of the bride and groom, you can’t go blaming other family members when they might mortified by the decision

It’s unfair for you to put this o a 12yr old’s shoulders. This is an issue between the adults. Let her go and hang out with her cousins

When my brother met his wife, she had a 2 year old boy. He was never excluded, he was our family. They went on to have 2 more children, all 3 of them are so close and never would say they are half siblings. It does help he has no relationship with his biology father. My family would never, ever exclude our nephew, it blows my mind that people think this is OK. You have every right to be disappointed with your 12 year old. I would be. I feel for your older daughter.

The family invitation has aready been declined and for good reason. That should be the end of it.
12 year olds are all about themseleves, but that does not mean they get to dictate or reverse a desicion made by their parent and stepparent.

Appaling behaviour from nephew and Bil.
Well done to DH for having your's and his step DD's back

Leaving one child off a wedding guestlist when you’ve invited her entire family isn’t acceptable.

Not necessarily. There’s been posts on here recently of the future scenario where the younger DD is now livid with the parents that their relationship with family was stopped as family didn’t treat a step sibling in exactly the same way in years past.

I think it's really shit to exclude one person out of a family unit, especially a child.
I wouldn't be going whether they changed their minds or not.

and how many "quiet words" do you think the average bride and groom gets in their ears, about the people they can't invite because of numbers!

It’s just another tale of another blended family not working isn’t it. Over and over again.

I couldn’t even name all my cousins let alone be mad my brother (who’s a half) would be invited to a wedding I wasn’t 😂 because it’s his family not mine. Now if my mum invited him and not me that would be an issue but his cousin from his dads side I couldn’t get worked up over when I was a child or now as an adult frankly.

Just because you blended also doesn’t mean everyone else has to accept that. My dad (step) some of his family buy me gifts as a child and some didn’t. That was fine I didn’t care the extra gifts were a bonus. I wasn’t raised to be a grabby older child of my little siblings stuff and family 🙃

What ridiculously nasty thoughts to have towards a child!

Yeah singling out kids for a family event is proper shitty. What a way to express they don’t consider her part of their family

I wish people would stop saying step sisters. They are half sisters, not step sisters. Completely different relationship and dynamic.

Doubt that the faaamily as 'close' as they are care about the 12 yo now, or in the future.
@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone are you planning on banning your favourite eldest child from doing things without the 12 yo?

They obviously don’t, though.

Not sure why it has come as a surprise to OP and her DH. It doesn’t sound like they’ve ever been close to his nephew, so why would OP assume his family do see her DD as family?

Blended families only really work if they’ve been actively blended. Just being around itself doesn’t do it.

The family should be embarrassed. Either the whole family (both daughters) go, or no-one goes.
You did the correct thing by not mentioning why until asked, but as the oversight hasn't been corrected... well... your original decision stands.
There will be plenty of other future weddings to attend.
I don't know how the inviting parties could be so hard-hearted as to not invite a child who has been part of the family for many years.

Be a rehash of that shocked mum who’s outraged her joint child and dh fully blame her for the child not having a proper family relationship with her fathers family.

While princess first born but be protected at all costs.

Well some families are a bit shit.