12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Yes I know, but from the couples pov. If they have loads of step cousins they are maybe drawing the hard line no step cousins.
It's easy to say it's only one extra seat.

But if they both have 2 Aunites / Uncles and they all have step kids then it becomes easier to say - no step kids.

If you invite one but not another you get the argument "why did you invite Uncle Bob's step kid but not Uncle Jim's 2 step kids or Aunt Sally's 3 step kids."

Wedding lists are a complete nightmare. The line needs to be drawn somewhere.

Well that's even worse then.

Imagine how left out your oldest daughter must feel if EVERYONE else is going except for her!

I feel it's disgusting she hasn't been invited and I think it must be incredibly hurtful for her.

PLEASE do not let your youngest go.

You need to let everyone know you're a family and your youngest needs to remember that.

Nowhere does the OP say this, in fact. All she has said is that there are tens of family members to supervise, there is no indication that she has actually asked anyone specifically if they would be willing to do so. I wouldn't want the responsibility for looking after a 12-year-old niece (for example) for a whole day across wedding service and reception/party.

Nor is there any indication that the 12-year-old has someone could collect her and take her to the wedding and bring her home, nor any discussion about where she will sit and with who (bearing in mind that OP has already declined the invitation for her whole family), nor about card/gift, nor about nor what time she should be home (presumably she would be subject to when her lift wanted to leave?).

12-year-olds can think and feel whatever they want, but they can't always act on those thoughts or feelings because, well, they're 12, and they need to rely on other, older people. Fo most of us, this is just reality of family life.

If dh had adopted her she would be legally his daughter and then it would have been wrong to not invite. That’s where my line is.

Dh’s step daughter it’s a blended family thing.
Dh daughter bio or adopted is legally his daughter she gets an invite.

I find this utterly bizarre. She's been part of the family since she was a toddler.

My 12 year old would absolutely not be going and I’d be very concerned about her lack of understanding in this too. Is sister her sister or isn’t she? Is she a part of the family or isn’t she? She is when it’s convenient it seems… I’d sit down and speak to her again and explain just how shocked and hurt you are by her callous attitude and response to this situation. I’d ask her how she’d feel in the same position and try and raise her emotional intelligence.

What will you say, when the older is invited to, let's say a holiday or a theme park with a good friend? Will you not let her go because the invite does not extend to the younger?

What will you say, when the older is invited to, let's say a holiday or a theme park with a good friend? Will you not let her go because the invite does not extend to the younger?

I can't speak for the OP, but I would say that is a completely different situation and very obviously irrelevant to the current issue regarding this wedding.

What did SIL and MIL say when you followed up to find out if they'd asked? Or better yet, contact the couple directly and ask. Either they'll be too embarrassed or caught off guard to refuse, or you'll be so mad about what they do say you'll ban everyone from going on principle. Job done.

I can't speak for the OP, but I would say that is a completely different situation and very obviously irrelevant to the current issue regarding this wedding.

It only different in how you choose to present it. Does one child ever get to do fun things without the other or it always must be both or neither?

Yes but from the B&G perspective esp is there are a bundle of step-cousins who potentially warrent an invite, if the parents split they'll probably never see the step cousins again.
Not even at family funerals.

I really can see both arguments.
The B&G want to draw the line before the wedding goes completely wild.
The Op wants to be treated as a family of four.
There may not be loads of steps cousins in the grooms side. The bride might have a six or seven adult steps cousins who she never sees who'd all potentially warrent a plus one too.

Wedding are a nightmare and so many people putting their row i

Yet the dh hasn’t seen the want or desire to adopt her as legally his 🤷🏻‍♀️ considering she has no over father in her life it wouldn’t of been that hard at any point in all those years.

Maybe the family have taken the lead from him not bothering.

It is a completely different scenario. In scenario one an invitation was sent by a family member to the entire family excluding one. In scenario two an invitation is sent to one person by a friend excluding every other person in the world. Presumably when the 12 year old is invited out by friends she goes without her sister and vice versa. You are clutching at straws with this argument.

It is a completely different scenario. In scenario one an invitation was sent by a family member to the entire family excluding one.

This is why i suggested to try and find some sort of compromise. It is very unfair to exclude one, but its equally unfair for the other to miss out just because.

Hey @Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone , hows the situation at home?

It's not "just because". It's because the groom and his fiance deliberately and cruelly excluded one member of the family and presumably the op and her husband don't want to support or encourage them by celebrating their wedding in any shape or form, including allowing their child to take part. That's not "just because". It's a perfectly valid response and healthy boundary.

Yes it is not conventional but they are still blood sisters so my point was it’s not just a blended family.

And if this can cause resentment then OP needs to use this as a teaching moment and make the tough decision not just take the easy way out in order to “avoid resentment”. She is 12 so she does not dictate and decide to go or not.

I disgaree about the family member not doing anything wrong they have. If I am in a blended family then that is my family and it’s wrong and insulting to split the family and invite some and exclude some, very very wrong especially from my brother. If your sister or brother adopted a child would treat that child differently and exclude that child for your events? If you will then that is a horrible disgusting thing to do. that’s where we differ because I will welcome that child and test him or her the same as my other nieces or nephews not test the child like a second class citizen in the family.

Even her SIL and MIL were embarrassed when they found out.

You claim not allowing her to may result in resentment from the 12 year old, I disagree she is 12 and will move on quickly unless they are consistently prioritizing the 15 year old over the 12 year old then yes I can see resentment building but a one off miss of this wedding will not lead to lifelong resentment.

Have you also considered the impact on the 15 year old that her sister doesn’t care about her feelings or how she is treated? Aren’t sisters supposed to look out for each other? Are you saying her relationship with her cousins is more important than her relationship with her half sister who she shares a mother with and lives with?

And what will the 12 year old tell people who ask about her parents and sister at the wedding? Lie? Tell them her sister wasn’t invited so she came alone?

I find this whole notion odd so alien,

the one child already has a different dad but you potentially alienate them further over blood?

once they married and had further children they are one family unit (obviously this varies with older offspring where they aren’t raised together) they’ve seemingly been together 12+ years, the family have had more opportunity to know the older the child than the ‘blood’ one.

To me the question is what is the general relationship between cousin and the 12 year old? Is she close to him? What's the general relationship between the two step sisters? Look at your children's futures - they are going to be the adult generation with you and your husband gone. What is their "family" going to look like? Now I am an only child in a situation where my aunt is in a nursing home with dementia, her sister (my mum), her brother-in-law (my dad) and her husband (my uncle by marriage) are all dead, and I'm really glad I have my cousins because they are my link to my growing up. I would be pissed off if I had been told by my parents to not maintain that family group for some reason, because that is my link to past/childhood family.

Totally disagree, my daughter would be told she’s too young to attend a wedding full of drinking adults alone and that it’s strange she values a party with extended family over her actual family.

The wedge would stem from the younger daughter being around people who have a strange emphasis on ‘blood’ when surely the two sisters are more related than anybody in this story.

Have you also considered the impact on the 15 year old that her sister doesn’t care about her feelings or how she is treated? Aren’t sisters supposed to look out for each other?

What does the 15yo want here? Is that she really wanted to go to that wedding? Is she going to be devastated if her sister goes? Or will she be any happier if sister stays home and sulks?

As for resentment - it is there already. Sibling rivalry is there already. You with the best of wishes cannot dictate how one feels, especially in the long run. You can only tread carefully.

Also, if you insist the 12yo needs to "support" her sister by missing this wedding, what will the 15yo do when the shoe is on the other foot? I assume, soon she will be old enough to do things that the 12yo can't for a few more years. Will she put her life on hold to "support" the younger?

You’re simply wrong though, all the ‘rights’ in the world don’t help a 12 year old without a chaperone.

The kids too young to stay home alone let alone attend a wedding 😂

No, because that’s a totally different scenario and both will have the opportunity to make friends and go places.

The issue with this wedding is the exclusion based on blood despite knowing the older child longer?

Honestly the people on this thread who don't really know what "rights" are are everything that's wrong with the world. Children don't have the "right" to go to an adult party. They don't have the "right" to do anything that needs other human beings to facilitate or pay for it.

This is not the same on a million different levels. I really hope you don’t actually think this in real life. It’s a family wedding she’s been excluded from, not a trip to the cinema.

'The rights of the child shall be paramount'. So speaks legal principle as upheld by practically every UK court, over and above the wants of adults. For example, the child has a right to a relationship with both parents and any grandparents, where a prior relationship exists, in cases of divorce. The child has a right to information about their biological origins, should they have been conceived using donor gametes.

Those 'rights' don't extend to parental capitulation when child throws minor strop because the whole family has declined a collective invitation. 'Rights' don't necessarily equal 'wants'. No one's telling DD2 she isn't allowed to see Granny.

In any case the OP's situation is resolved. She ain't coming back no matter how much people argue the toss.