12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

She is their relative FFS. She has been part of the family since she was two and has been raised by the OP’s husband. Put aside the weird fixation with ‘blood’ for a minute and you can see it’s clearly deeply unfair to invite three members of a nuclear family and not the fourth. There is no justification for it, and I’m astonished so many people seem to think it’s fine.

...

Those who are trying to claim that 12 year olds have no rights sound like horrible arseholes.

The whys and wherefores are irrelevant. The situation is what it is. "Should have " changes nothing. Punishing the 12 year old for adult issues will definitely bite you in the arse. She'll remember.

The 12 year old going hurts ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. Whiny permaffendeds should learn that other people having nice experiences doesn't take away anything from you.

She has a right to go, and by creating this enormous fuss over absolutely nothing the adults who know better have driven a wedge through the family.

You might still be able to fix it by allowing the 12 year old to go, as is her right, stopping all the pointless drama and taking the other kid out somewhere nice.

The 12 year old going hurts her sister, as it says “these people are my family and not yours”. Which, despite all the weird fascination people on here seem to have with blood, isn’t the case. I doubt the 12 year old has seen the cousins etc alone for the last 12 years - her sister would have been there as part of the family.

why the fuck would she go? It’s a party. 12 year old girls are selfish and self centred, enjoy drama and like parties and dressing up. That’s all this is. She will be fine with not going, obviously.

She's 12. Her sister would give zero fucks if her mother wasn't stirring and had framed it differently. Mother has caused pointless drama with her idiotic dramaric behaviour.

12 year old and sister should have known absolutely nothing about any of it. Since she's dragged them into it mother will have to fix it.

They can invite who they want. The 12 year old has a right to go. She definitely will remember. And it will definitely bite them in the arse.

Mother has caused this. Enjoy the idiotic drama you created. Poor kid, missing out for no reason. Mother should have kept her trap shut.

This thread has been really funny, but it's getting repetitive.

So enjoy the hysteria, until the next time a nothing event that you can dramatise for attention happens. I'll leave the hysterics to it.

It's not a weird fixation with blood. The point is those people don't see your DD as their relative. You've not said anything about what happens at other family gatherings. Sounds like you don't have very much to do with them. If you were close she would have been invited.

The 12 year old going hurts her sister,

Will the sister be any happier if the 12yo sulks?

You all for a ban of adopted kids at weddings then I take it

We don't know how many other non-blood relatives were not invited to this wedding. And how many others in that extended family have blended families.

The girl isn’t related to this side of the family. She’s the OP child, who isn’t related to DH side of the family at all.

But if you go down this line of thinking...

The op isn't a blood relative of the nephew marrying. But she has been invited? Why?

There will be lots of non-blood relatives at the wedding.

This. How is this scenario any different?

That's true, it could be they've drawn a hard line because of the number of blended families, and kids that they don't know.
Two sides to every story and all that.

But it’s not a ‘blended family’ really, is it. They’ve been a family unit for twelve years and the biological dad isn’t in the picture.

There will be lots of non-blood relatives at the wedding.

Why don't know that at all.
Also, i'm sure the 15yo goes places and does things without the 12yo being present.

It's really not quite as simple as that is it. A wedding (particularly a reception) is effectively a big pub - with lots of adults both known and unknown drinking substantial amounts of booze. If your 12 year unilaterally announced they had been invited to the pub and wanted to go would you let her? Probably not. So the 12 year old would be required to have an adult present at the wedding who would be responsible for her safety and her behaviour.

In addition to this the 12 year old would need to be transported to and from the wedding and perhaps even between venues. They would require clothes to wear, they would require money for drinks, they would require money for a gift. All of which (assuming the 12 year old doesn't work) would be coming from her parents. The parents who have been insulted and offended by the groom and his bride.

So no it's not as simple as saying that a 12 year old can make decisions for themselves because in this case they wouldn't just be making decisions about themself, they would be making decisions for all of the adults who would have to take their time and effort and energy to make it happen. Something they are (rightly) very much disinclined to do given the circumstances.

Stick as a unit OP.

If you let your younger daughter go you will be sending the message, that 'yes, we agree, we are not a proper family in your eyes'.

Your elder daughter will remember this, even more so if her sister goes. She will be hurting.

Absolute terrible behavior.

So in giving her permission to go you are acknowledging that she can not unilaterally decide to go.

And even at that, it is actually not just your decision to make.

What if your in-laws want to relax and don't want to be responsible for your child? So you would need to ask them too.

So it's not as simple as the 12 year old deciding what she'd like to do and getting to do it. In situations like this there is a chain of people who have to make decisions that will effect the outcome.

Whilst contradicting your initial post that 12 year olds are able to make this decision.

That’s horrible!!! With the context you’ve provided I am actually in shock… your husband has been her daddy since she was a baby ffs. He IS her daddy. And she has been a part of his family for 14 years…she knows no different. Every family event she’s been to she believes they’re her family too because she was a baby. Your husband has basically adopted her and raised her as his own so for his own brother/sister to not have intervened here is shocking.

My 12 year old would absolutely not be going and I’d be very concerned about her lack of understanding in this too. Is sister her sister or isn’t she? Is she a part of the family or isn’t she? She is when it’s convenient it seems… I’d sit down and speak to her again and explain just how shocked and hurt you are by her callous attitude and response to this situation. I’d ask her how she’d feel in the same position and try and raise her emotional intelligence. Bottom line, no one is going. You’re a family, you’re a team. You stick together. The quicker she understands that and moves on, the better. I’d also make it clear that after the above mentioned conversation, there will be no more mention of this hideous situation. Otherwise 12 year old will drag it on and on and on…. NO. The answer is no, it’s done, move forward.
Best of luck and I’m so sorry this happened to you all xx

Those of you who are defending this bride and groom, would you also defend them excluding OP's daughter if there had been a legal adoption? Would that make a difference? There have been a few threads from time to time about extended family members refusing to accept an adopted child as family. I assume that some of you would defend that as not being "blood" or related.

Because there really is very little difference in that attitude and the attitude taken by this bride and groom to exclude a child who has essentially been informally adopted and from a very early age.