12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

This is awful response. Op must have been with DH for at least 13 years. Their DD will have grown up since around age three with the in laws as her family but because she's not blood she shouldn't go. No. Simply no. Not ok.

This is not the same on a million different levels. I really hope you don’t actually think this in real life. It’s a family wedding she’s been excluded from, not a trip to the cinema.

It's a party invite, and not the immediate family. I really doubt that it was intentional to personally spite this particular girl.

Maybe not but anyone with a couple of functioning brain cells would know that sending an invitation that specifically leaves out one child of a family of four is a pretty shitty thing to do. And then they did it anyway.

Of course a legal adoption makes a difference. What would be the point if it didnt.

They are half blood sister, not full siblings so as a said not a conventional set up.

Yes let’s teach my 12 year old that her half sisters wants and needs are more important then my own even though the wedding couple are not related to my sister.

Adoption is completely different to having kids by more then one man. Its not comparable. I mean the DH here could have always adopted OP daughter but he hasn’t.

It doesn’t matter how MIL / SIL feel.

You seem to be missing the point of how much the 12 year old obviously wants to go.

15 year old is able to understand that she is in fact not related to the wedding party and should be happy her sister can have a nice day out.

She’s 12, she will figure out what to tell them.

To be honest if you are going to have kids but different men that you need to understand they won’t all be treated the same considering they all have different family members. It’s just life.

This. Why are people being so dense? If this girl was being left out because she was disabled (which does happen) would everyone be fine with it? You invite both kids or neither - ‘blood’ is completely irrelevant.

Thank you.

@JazbayGrapes do you really think both scenarios are the same?

The issue here is OPs FIL is excluding her daughter despite the fact this brother is bringing her up as his own, you’re really comparing it to a friend inviting one of the girls????

Same question I asked another poster, if your brother or sister adopts a child will you treat that child differently from your other nieces and nephews? Exclude the child from your events?

On a more practical level though do you think the 12 year old would be up to it when asked where her family was by other guests unaware of the dispute? She will probably get a lot of pitying looks and her being there alone there will draw unwanted attention to the family conflict at the wedding that the 12 year old may not be skilled enough to deal with.

I would not be sending her for that reason alone.

It’s very sad that the OP’s family has been put in this position and divided with unnecessary conflict just because the 15 year old isn’t considered “blood” enough.. It could easily have been avoided. What a mess.

To be honest if you are going to have kids but different men that you need to understand they won’t all be treated the same considering they all have different family members. It’s just life.

Funny enough, this thread is now flying around facebook as an example of why men should avoid single mothers.

Really? Thats pretty pathetic.

Really? Thats pretty pathetic.

You know what facebook is like.
I understand where the OP is coming from - DD1 doesn't have a dad nor the extended family from his side like DD2. And a wedding is somewhat harder to compensate than friends' birthdays. But i'm on a team 12yo here. The message she is getting that she could be enjoying her wedding invite if it wasn't for her half sister. Let alone being forced to take sides over a decision that adults made pretty thoughtlessly.

I don't understand why so many people think this is okay because the older DD isn't a relative. Do people only invite relatives to their weddings? Do they not invite friends and acquaintances too? Even if they don't see the older DD as a relative, it's at best quite insensitive to leave her off the invitation given she's basically part of OP and her husband's family unit and presumably about as well-known to the nephew as the younger daughter. This isn't the same as a step-child who might spend half their time with another parent. She's part of the same family and I think it's pretty odd to leave her off the invitation.

Of course that's separate to the question of whether the younger daughter should be allowed to go and I honestly don't know what the right answer is there. I think there's a risk that not letting her go may lead to some bad feeling towards her older sister even if it didn't already exist.

Well, her father really shouldn't flounce out of a family wedding, but she will have other family there.

@Technonan he hasn't flounced out of a wedding. He has declined an invitation to the wedding of a pair of arseholes.

Most weddings will have a number of non-blood relatives surely?
The OP was invited -m she is a non-blood relative.
I assume the partners of many adults will be there too - pretty much all non-blood relatives, as are all in-laws usually.

What will you say, when the older is invited to, let's say a holiday or a theme park with a good friend? Will you not let her go because the invite does not extend to the younger?

It's a very different scenario.

One is a family occasion where one member of the immediate family unit (of 4) has been excluded.

The other is a friend based occasion. Only one member of the family unit is included whilst three are not.

Ime it really isn't normal to exclude one child of a family unit from attending a family event.

Let her go, you and dh should too. It's difficult with step relatives and I've experienced similar but you really can't expect them to be invited to 'blood' relatives weddings.

But the op has been invited, she isn't a blood relative either.
Why does it make a difference and suddenly be okay when that excluded person is a child?

Once again: would it be acceptable if one child had been excluded because of a disability?

Ime it really isn't normal to exclude one child of a family unit from attending a family event.

It isn’t. And I think this is the crux of it - whether or not you think the 15 year old should or shouldn’t be seen as “family” by the bride and groom, grandparents etc - these four people are clearly a family unit. So you invite them all, or just the couple and no kids. To do anything else is just rude. It’s a totally different kettle of fish from “Auntie Maureen is now married to Bob and his kids come every other weekend” type scenario.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, I think it’s actually pretty mean your older daughter hasn’t been invited and some of the comments on here are a bit unfair. She’s ‘not blood’ or ‘step cousin is distant’ - wowsers. It’s a child, who will probably feel the impact of being the only one not invited. If their choice was to save money, none of you should have been invited rather then singling your daughter out.

With a 3 year age gap it’s not like your eldest has only just come on the scene - she has been part of the wider family for 12 years. Imagine you have a big party and invite the nephew but not his new wife because she isn’t ‘blood related’. Bonkers.

How is that even comparable? It has no relevance on the situation.

It is absolutely comparable because one person of a family of four is being excluded for an entirely arbitrary reason.

The damage will still be done even if the 12 year old is allowed to attend the wedding alone. Her 15 year old sister will have been very hurt to be excluded from the wedding and would be hurt once again that little sister still wanted to go, simply because she could as a “blood” relative and not at all bothered that her sister was left out. So this could create a long term strain in their sibling relationship that wasn’t there previously.

Very sad. And so unnecessary on the part of the extended family who thought this was a good idea.

I can’t believe all the people on here that think it’s ok to exclude one child out of two in a family! There is no way that this is ok. Whether they are blood related or not is entirely irrelevant! I have cousins that are blood related and some that aren’t and it makes no difference whatsoever to the fact that they are all 100% my cousins! The husband’s nephew and fiancée must be awful people to do this and there is no way that I would attend the wedding or let the 12 year old go. 12 year old may not understand now but will do in the future and you can bet that it the show was on the other foot she would want her sister to support her.

As a result of your husband's nephew's unbelievable rudeness, you and your DH have made the decision not to attend his wedding.

That should be the end of it. A twelve year old does not get to overrule your decision.

Plan something else for the whole family on the day of the wedding and don't give it another thought.