12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Having her skip this one wedding due to the actions of her husband’s family is NOT the same as making she always sacrifice for her half sister. Very very different scenarios.

OP and her husband should end rightfully islet given her DH is pretty much the only father the girl has known and they know that, sorry but if this one wedding kiss is what will lead to decades of resentment then there are bigger issues at play. This should be used to teach the younger daughter about valuing and respecting her family not being so quick and willing to dump her sister for a day of fun.

You claim making her miss the wedding may lead to long term resentment, but being rejected and excluded will make her older daughter thrive and be happy?

I will agree with your resentment point if there was form for ALWAYS making her sacrifice for her half sister but I have not seen any indication of this and OP is right to be upset.

My husbands nephew’s are his sisters crotch goblins 🤷🏻‍♀️😂🤣

It is sad that your elder daughter isn’t invited, as she is a part of your husband’s family. It is unkind to single her out in that way.

it’s also sad that your 12 year old doesn’t see this, but if you stop her from attending a wedding that she wants to go to, then she may form resentment towards her big sister? I would feel disappointed that the younger child isn’t showing more solidarity towards her sister, but maybe she will feel a bit of loyalty or guilt, even though she hopefully, enjoys the wedding?

No way should your DD miss a family wedding if that’s what she wants.
Shes making a Perfectly valid point that the wedding members are not related to her half sister and she shouldn’t be punished for having a blended family.

It’s not a blended family, it’s her half sister. A blended family means both adults bring children from previous relationship so the children are not really related except that both parents are married but in this case they both share the same mother.

Sorry but I would be very disappointing my 12 year takes such a stand, and I would not be happy for her to go to a wedding where both her parents have taken a stand against the unreasonable behaviour of the family members getting married.

She is not being punished for being in a “blended” family, she is being taught how to look out for and value her sister not selfishly put a day of fun over her sister being rejected and excluded from the only family she has know all her life.

it would teach her to have her sisters back and vice versa.

It’s going to put the 12yo in a very awkward position if she goes and anyone asks why the rest of her family aren’t there.

She is correct that 15yo isn’t related by blood to the groom - but neither are you and you are invited, so the argument doesn’t really stand up. I would just tell her that as a family you’re not going. I think 12 is too young to have a free choice.

You claim making her miss the wedding may lead to long term resentment, but being rejected and excluded will make her older daughter thrive and be happy?

The older one is excluded already. The question is - will it make her happier that the younger is forced to miss out as well? And what will it do to their bond in the long run? I don't think there is one one right answer here.

If this was the only family event in years and loads of family not seen for ages are attending then maybe dad should take 12yo.

But if there are regular family meet ups and this is just one cousin who is being a dick, then fine to not attend.

I assume it's only the bride/groom who don't see the 15 yo as family and not the dads brother or parents?

No, you do not understand correctly.

Honestly, some of the people on this place can't be real surely? Nobody is this unpleasant?

It's not a remotely valid point. Nobody is "punishing" her for having a "blended family" apart from the couple getting married - and they're "punishing" her older sister.

Is the rest of DH's family actually suggesting that the 12 year old still comes to the wedding even if you and DH don't?

It is a real shame that a cousin that your family rarely sees has decided to make this "ruling" essentially taking it apon himself to decide who is family, irrespective of yours and DH's wishes, and cause a rift both in your own family unit between the two sisters and also potentially with your MIL and DH's siblings.

Really you think the resentment from missing a wedding outweighs the resentment from your sister not caring if you’re excluded or not by people who don’t consider her family?

Depends on a child. One will sulk for a day and forget about it, another will hold a grudge for years. You can't predict or dictate how one feels. But what will make the older child happier in the current situation?

Given she is already excluded she now needs her sister to support her not then throw it in her face. Her father and mother have taken a stand against going to the wedding for a very valid reason so no the 12 year old doesn’t get to go due potential resentment in the future.

awful attitude from your 12 year old. Your eldest was in the family before she was even born. ‘Hanging out with cousins’ is not enough excuse to justify your eldest not being invited. She’s been raised by your husband since she was 2! She’s family - end of.

This type of behaviour confuses me. I was brought up in an unique situation. Raised by maternal aunt and her husband. Their children, my cousins (legally siblings), have the same relationship with their dads family as I do except for sharing their surname. We are all family and have equal participation in things and events.

I was always raised and told, that family is not just blood but people who choose to call each other family, and their family member ( my uncle) chose to raise me therefore I am family. I am closer to them than my paternal family.

Of course not, the older sisters bio dad wouldn't have been living with and helping to raise the younger one for a decade. It isn't comparable.

Meh. Whatever. Send 12yo with other family and take older one somewhere fun.

It’s not a conventional family either. They are not full siblings.

It can also teach her to resent her half sister instead of making a stand for her. She’s 12.

She wants to go, it’s a family wedding on her side. She is being punished by being unable to attend when it’s been made very clear she wants to go and understands the dynamics.

The family members whose wedding it is are nothing to do with her half sister, they are not related to her at all. They have done nothing wrong.

She’s family to the OP and her husband.

She’s not family to her husbands family if they don’t view her that way and they don’t need to either.

The girl isn’t related to this side of the family. She’s the OP child, who isn’t related to DH side of the family at all.

@Gogogowall I don't understand how you can honestly say that if the OP's husband's family don't want to include his step daughter that's ok cause she's not their family. That's horrific and in lots of families would cause massive rifts. It shows them for the kind of people they are.

No it's not her choice. She's 12.

She definitely shouldn't go and should be supporting her sister!

In our blended family they’re just ‘cousins’ 🤔 and I grew up seeing my cousins, blended and blood regularly as do my children!! My son is a cousin to his step dad’s brothers daughter, and his step mums sisters children. He also calls them aunty and uncle…
its not even close to a remote relationship!!! And he’s had a relationship with them since he was 3 which was 11 years ago!! I wouldn’t expect any of those cousins to invite his siblings and not him…

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