12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

I would make the same decision if I was in your shoes.

Perhaps this is the first time you've faced as a family the idea that your eldest daughter is not family, and your younger one doesn't understand how painful it is for her (and you all). Sit down with her and explain it, as a family, and plan a nice day out for all four of you.

This

The hurt from missing the wedding is not as bad as the hurt her older sister feels form being excluded, it’s a lesson about caring not being selfish and thinking only of herself.

I will not let her go if I have taken a stand against how the bride and groom have treated her sister. And after saying they would look into it they ghost and say nothing making it clear she is not considered family. Her father has also taken a stand yet you expect the 12 year old to go to the party?

I would have let ds2 go to a wedding on his df’s side, even if ds1 wasn’t invited in this situation. I think it could cause unnecessary friction between the girls otherwise. Blended families are tricky though, and I don’t envy you being in this situation OP.. whatever you decide, someone won’t be happy

I think if your 15 yo has been with the family since she was 2.5 you need to lay down the law with your 12 yo. Tell her she isn’t allowed to go at all & punish it as you’d punish anything else. It’s utterly crap that your nephew has done this to you. Suggests he isn’t worth keeping in touch with.

What kind of 'adults' would exclude a 15 year old child from a wedding, just because she does not share genetic material with the groom? What vapid people.

For those posters who feel this is acceptable, would you feel the same if this was an adopted or fostered child? Or is just children through marriage who you feel it is acceptable to exclude from family events? Where is your humanity?

The hurt from missing the wedding is not as bad as the hurt her older sister feels form being excluded, it’s a lesson about caring not being selfish and thinking only of herself.

I think the resentment the 12yo will carry into the future will be greater than the 15yo will remember the gesture of solidarity by making the 12yo miss out.
Sibling rivalry is tough enough even in non-blended families without adding an extra conflict.

I agree

It’s totally bizarre to try and divide family units by who is related by blood. It’s a difficult one re your DD attending as you should all have been invited in the first place. She’s also very young to be going alone. I agree you should be supporting your elder daughter in this, so is there a way you could find another relative to accompany your younger DD?

Imagine being a person who thinks it’s ok to exclude a child from a wedding invitation when it’s not a child-free or “wedding party members’ DCs only” event. Wow. Cold.

Your 12yo could go with her grandparents but I hope she realises why she should not.

Really you think the resentment from missing a wedding outweighs the resentment from your sister not caring if you’re excluded or not by people who don’t consider her family?

I would be so so annoyed!!! I have a DS from a previous relationship and 2 children with DH. If my eldest wasn’t invited we’d be cutting family out and I certainly wouldn’t be letting my other children go!
shes 12. Stick to your guns 💪

For those posters who feel this is acceptable, would you feel the same if this was an adopted or fostered child?

I wonder this as well. It seems some posters are taking a very legalistic view of this family's relationships. A child who has been in the DH's life since she was two and who has no other father in the picture has been excluded because of lack of a blood relationship. I'm stunned that anyone thinks this is defensible.

Did you not read the other thread where adult daughter is fuming with her mother and hates her because she was always made to sacrifice time with her paternal family because of her older half sister. The mum still doesn’t get it.

The resentment can be lifelong when faced with not getting to bond and be part of big events with your family because a half sibling isn’t invited where you are then punished by not being allowed to go to prove a point to the family. When the family then don’t change and dance to the mothers tune the younger sibling ends up with a close to zero relationship and hates both the sibling and parent.

parent becomes all shocked pikachu and older sibling just polishes their halo as favourite child. Rather than understanding that actually the children do have different families and it’s nobodies fault the older one has a shit dads side and making the youngest pay for their dads not being overly welcoming isn’t going to fix shit but actually just fuck more shit up.

step child.. half sibling.. not that we get listened too like ever 🤣🤣

I can't believe how much nonsense I am reading on here, clearly posted by people who have no experience of this situation. I was in your eldest daughter's shoes. She is a sister and you are a family unit. Allowing your 12 year old to go to this wedding will split the family. It is shocking you have been put in this situation but I reckon you need to sit down, all four of you and discuss the fact that you are a family who look out for each other. The ramifications of allowing your (far too young to make this decision) 12 year old to go without you all are massive and will come back to bite you. I say this as one who teaches teenagers.

Wedding posts like these always baffle me because how is anyone ok with only some of their children being invited somewhere? And how are people ok with only inviting half a family?
My partners cousins children are unknown to me but if we’re inviting his cousin, then we’re inviting them all, or none at all. We would simply invite everyone because we aren’t absolutely horrible people.

I think she should be allowed to go. Your other DD is not their relative if I understand correctly.

Of course she’s their relative, unless you think only blood relatives count somehow.

I don't get how she is their relative. It 's probably a bit mean that she is excluded but they obviously don't think of her as a relative. Do you have a lot to do with these people like at family gatherings and so on. All family dynamics are different.

She is a relative, unless you are using a very legalistic definition of relative. And anyway, it's immaterial. OP's family is clearly a unit and one of them is being specifically excluded. I also wonder if the bride and groom gave any thought to where the older daughter would be if her parents and sibling go to the wedding. Alone at home maybe? That makes the whole sorry mess sadder still.

DD is 12. She is not even teenager.
I would not let my 12y old to wedding alone with wider family even if not in your situation. Weddings can be overwhelming and wild.

Also, tell her she cannot go as family is not going. Talk done.
What she wants is not really important as she is firstly a child that needs to learn that family stays together.

Take them both somewhere else for a day or overnight stay of you can afford it. They must share common interests as that age.
Btw you are a great mum!

I am too late for the vote but YANBU.

it’s awful to leave a dependent child out of an invitation that otherwise includes a sibling. Did they just not have their thinking caps on?

Blood is not what forms familles alone. The irony of the wedding itself is that two non blood related people are becoming a new family. All families have members who are not related by blood.

Most likely your 12 year old will understand your decision when she is older. She is still a child who thinks weddings are exciting. I think only having her at the wedding and the rest of you away is going to draw more attention, invite questions and make everyone at the wedding uncomfortable anyway.

Sorry but great opportunity to remind her she is a child and doesn’t get to control a situation! (Not saying she shouldn’t go just she needs to know if she does it’s on your terms and because you allow it not because she demands it!)

I would tell her she doesn’t have her own invite, she is invited as a ‘plus one’ to you both, her parents! This means she doesn’t get to choose and doesn’t get to go on her own! If she was to go she would have to go with another family member who would have to be responsible for her all day just like you guys would as her parents.
i would tell her if she really wanted to go you would first see if there was a suitable family member who was prepared to be responsible for her for the day and then see if they were ok with her attending without you (but prepare her they might not and they might have already reallocated the seats)

All families have members who are not related by blood.

This. My husband’s nephews are my nephews too, even if I’m not related to them by blood. It’s bizarre anyone would think otherwise.