12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Until it no longer works. Wait for them to be teens, and a 12yo is on the cusp of being a teenager.

I have teens, thanks. I have 4 children.

All perfectly reasonable human beings, fancy that!

This idea that a 12 year old child should be able to accept an invite their parents have declined (particularly as they probably won’t be welcome) is hilarious. Only on mn!

I don’t have teens anymore, the youngest just turned 20,
We may have the same definition of reasonable human being, and different ways of our DC learning.
I took a more hands off, here is my advice but you choose for small matters like this.

The 12 year old daughter will not be "suffering" if she doesn't go to the wedding of a man she barely knows. She's not being dropped into Gaza.

And it's a lesson on how the rights of the individual don't trump the rights of the community.

If the op was to subscribe to the notion that 12 year olds should be allowed to do whatever they want because of their "rights", then we also have to take into consideration that it is the parents' rights to not buy her a new outfit, to not transport her to or from the wedding, to not give her money for a gift for the inconsiderate and frankly cruel groom and his bride.

Families can not work if everyone just pisses about doing what they want. Everyone must make sacrifices.

They made an error, they've since been embarrassed and agreed to correct the issue.

I don't see need to make the matter more complicated than necessary.

Think you might have posted on the wrong thread

You can want her not to go, but you can't want her not to want to go.

She is twelve, she can't see it from an adult's perspective. And a different adult might see it from a different perspective to you anyway.

But you are within your rights to make decisions for your family, and for a twelve year old.

So you say the invitation has been declined by the adults who are in charge, and you tell your 12yo that you accept she is angry.

Why is a compromise not possible? Father goes with the 12yo and you do a fun day out with the 15yo?

I've not read all the posts on the thread but I agree with those I've seen saying it's not up to the 12 year old to decide. She is a child and the adults should be making the decision .

It's not the first thread I've read where a family member has been left out of a wedding invitation just because she is not a full blood relative. I think it's appalling and was pleased to see OP and her DH refused the invitation because the older daughter was excluded.

Why anyone thinks a 12 year old gets to decide to go when her parents have refused the invitation is beyond me.

That is so nasty and rude. They don’t respect that your DD is your DH’s stepdaughter?? I wouldn’t go either, family is not just about blood. I would struggle to be civil tbh.

It would be strange for a first cousin not to attend

Not really.
Many people have weddings without cousins present.

And this is a 30 year old man with a 12y cousin.
It would be unusual for a 12y child to attend a wedding alone, without their parents.

What is definitely strange is that one child has been excluded from a family invitation. No sensible person excludes one child but invited her parents and siblings.

The father wants to stand up for what he feels is right for his 15y stepchild, who he has been dad to for over 13 years.

If dad goes it suggests he agrees it was okay to exclude the eldest child in his family.

Perhaps ops husband doesn't particularly want to plaster a smile on his face and celebrate the couple who have completely disregarded his stepdaughter's position in the family.

It’s not actually her choice. She’s 12. You have declined and it would be very odd for her to attend alone.

I’m astonished that so many people think you’re being unreasonable, OP. It shouldn’t matter who is related to whom by blood - your elder daughter is part of your family and has been brought up by your DH. It’s hugely offensive and hurtful to exclude her. They should invite both kids or neither.

Just let her go OP
There's no guarantees the girls will be best friends when they grow up
And in the mean time you're trying to close the door on your younger daughters's extended family
What's the point
Your elder daughter will survive
It's almost like you're projecting and feel guilty that your elder daughter doesn't have exactly the same up upbringing as your younger daughter
It really is ok
I bet your older daughter because of this experience amd the realisation that life is a bit shi*t, will work hard to make a good life for herself
She really will get over this
Maybe your husband's family will realise they are unnecessarily excluding a young girl
And maybe they won't
But by preventing your younger daughter going, you're punishing her.and preventing future invites, can not see that?
Noone lives in a bubble, don't isolate yourselves

Because the invitation was primarily for the father. With the rest of his family invited as a courtesy (which is normal), but with one member of his immediate family unit excluded (which is not normal. And - whatever your views on what is “family” or not - is rude regardless). And the father has said no thanks. The 12 year old has been invited as her father’s daughter rather than in her own right and has no independence means or agency to accept and get there. So her dad’s word goes here. (When she’s 17/18/19 and can transport herself to places and not need supervision by an adult and is invited to places in her own right? She can go anywhere she likes, with or without her half sister. But she’s 12 and it doesn’t work like that.)

I think there's quite a lot of hyperbole in this post. I haven't been to several close family members weddings- I am still close to my family.... Because there were lots of other opportunities to socialise or spend time with them. If op, her husband and their daughters value the wider family (those who have not deliberately hurt one of their children), then they will create spaces for those relationships to develop. Teaching your child that they need to put up with bad behaviour to be part of a bigger group is not healthy.

So you & husband have been together at least 12 years. Your older daughter has therefore been a member of the family for 12 years too. Both daughters are family. Not inviting older daughter is so rude. Your non attendance is absolutely fine. Younger daughter can abide by your (you & husband) decision.

Your DH should make it clear to his entire family and DD2 that he considers DD1 to be his child. That he considers himself to be her father (if DD1 agrees with this, btw).

if he doesn’t want to do that (or if DD1 disagrees), I can honestly understand where DD2 is coming from with her line of thought…

It’s fantastic that you and your DH both support DD1. But I’m not sure you should force that on DD2, tbh.

None of you should go because they have been incredibly rude not regarding your daughter as family. Your DH sees her as family, she is family.

No she’s not old enough to make that decision, she’s 12.

if her father was going fine but really a 12 year old should go to a wedding alone?

Not really, underage kids get invited places all the time... the parent decide if its suitable, convenient and if they go.

Given she is 12 (a literal child who requires full supervision) she isn't going alone so if her family isn't going its basically tough shit. This isn't the grey area of a 16/17 year old who could depending on circumstance go alone or and adult who can make their own life choices.