12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

THEREFORE, it's crucial that you push back, commensurately to how far she's pushing. This wedding isn't a critical thing in her life, it's one of many weddings she'll attend, of a cousin she's not close to. It's a good moment for you to assert that actually no, all four of you are a family, we won't be having any of this "she's not one of us" stuff. And also no, at 12yo, she's not old enough to make decisions like this for herself.

I agree fully with this. You are a family unit.

One way of subtly diverting it might be to plan something on the day of the wedding that both of your DDs but especially the 12yo would LOVE to do. It's a pity that the last tickets for that event were only available on that date...

@needanewname42
For future things and heaven forbid something happened to you. Would your DH consider adopting your DD?

I came on here to say this too, although I haven't read the whole thread.
Adoption creates a legal family connection as though that child was actually born to both those parents. It may be a very useful thing to do for the future in case the 12 year old sees the 15 year old as a lesser connected member within the immediate family . ie if her mother died before the father, there could be inheritance issues or her feeling more entitled to make decisions regarding her elderly father, or some other contentious issue.
It would also send a very clear message to the wider family...
Your 12 year old shouldn't be allowed to go to the wedding. the 15 year old's feelings and possible long term psychological damage outweighs the 12 year old's wish to attend the wedding. By miles.

The more I read people’s responses to this the more I think people that post on mumsnet are UNHINGED.

People saying it’s not 12YOs fault that she was born in to a blended family, she didn’t choose this. Of course not you spanner’s, literally none of us chose the family we were born into. Get a grip.

People saying it’s an opportunity for your 15YO to understand life isn’t fair, how about that lesson be applied to the 12YO.

Id also like to point out, she’s 12! Not 20. Of course she’s going to have a hissy fit and say things are unfair, she probably still think it’s unfair that she won’t get to marry insert age appropriate heartthrobs name here.
OP the lesson here should be, it’s irrelevant that DD1 is not bloody related to cousin, neither are you OP, but you got invited.

To all the posters saying “moneys tight/ weddings are complicated/ expensive” give your head a wobble.
You don’t invite a family and exclude ONE CHILD to a wedding. SHES NOT AN ADULT, SHES A CHILD.
You exclude all children (my preference!) or invite all children.

OP you’ve picked a cracker of a husband.

I'm 100 percent with you, OP. To invite everyone in the family except one child is just not acceptable. She's 12. Tell her no.

There a been a few very similar posts recently, and in every case, the oldest (uninvited) DC doesn’t have any contact with their DF’s side of the family. I think that’s where the difference lies; the immediate family in this instance see themselves as a whole unit, and almost forget there is any biological difference.

The shock is caused when they realise that others do not see them in the same way. Especially if they are relations who haven’t spent much time together.

This is blended families. I think unless you’re actively blending all the members by spending time together, it’s not necessarily how more remote relatives see it.

12 year olds don't get to decide if they go to a wedding or not.

If the whole family doesn't go, she doesn't go.

Nasty to exclude one child.

Not at all. It's teaching her that at 12 while she can express an opinion as to what she would like to do, her parents get the deciding vote because, well, she's 12 and they're adults.

Do parents really let 12-year-olds decide what they are going to do? Do they treat their families like democracies where the children get an equal say to the adults? Madness.

I think it's fair to say to your youngest daughter quite strongly that you're disappointed she doesn't see the importance of sticking together as a family. There'll be plenty of times in the future when she'll look to you and her sister for support. She could perhaps imagine how she would feel if that support wasn't forthcoming. Also, why does she imagine your DH's nephew would want to give a place to her to come without you? Sounds unlikely.

I completely agree with the poster above who said: It's a good moment for you to assert that actually no, all four of you are a family, we won't be having any of this "she's not one of us" stuff.

Inheritance is partly what I was thinking and your right about making decisions.

Adoption would create a legal link between the 15 yo and her Dad.

She has a right to go.

I would personally not allow my 12 year old to attend, blood related or not they are not close and are barely involved in each others lives.

I believe you made the right call OP.

your 15 year old may feel hurt that people she has called family for the past few years have cast her aside just because of DNA, making her feel alone and different from her sister and driving home the point that regardless of how long your DH has raised her she will never be included as part of the family. How awful to make a child feel this way!!!!

Your 12 year old is too young to make her own decision and instead is excited just to go to a wedding, don't think she minds who it is for.

Why don't you instead take both of the girls out on the day of the wedding and have a family fun day all together.

She has absolutely no right at all!

Hahahaha! What a mental response 😂

Right you are, love.

So, anyway, she has a right to go.

You keep yelling at strangers though. It'll definitely change nothing at all, but enjoy 🤣😂😅😆

Ciao!

Just popping on to offer support. Pretty much the same happened to us and none of us went

No she doesn’t!

The voting at around 50.50 really surprises me. I'm 100% with you and your DH OP. Your DHs brother is very mean!

It's her biological cousin....she has every right to go.
What you must remember is if you and your husband ever split, your 12 year old is biologically related and will continue to see them for the rest of their life. The 15 year old however won't. Step children often dont continue being part of the family. I'm saying this from being a step child!

Stick to your gut instinct OP. You and your DH (and both DDs) all sound absolutely lovely. Assert that you are a family unit and you've made this decision as a family. DD12 doesn't fully understand or accept as she is 12, but in the future she will get it.

I completely agree with you OP. Either the whole family unit is invited (and your older daughter has been part of that unit for almost all her life) or no one attends. Your 12 old is a pawn in their game of meanness.

if this was a new relationship and the 15 year old not well known to the rest of the family, then maybe, maybe I would understand their logic. But this is just horrible.

I would also be a bit disappointed in my younger daughter. 12 is old enough to understand the hurt the situation is creating. My kid would be disappointed but would never choose a party over their sibling’s feelings.

I cant believe people are giving you crap about this OP. Of course the entire family declines if one of them is excluded. How would anyone think otherwise? You are a family of four and you either all go or none go. And fuck that nephew. WTH are they thinking??

I agree with your husband , it’s not fair on her to not be able to go .

it’s unfair that your daughter hasn’t been invited and I would be the same as you - I wouldn’t go , but it could cause issues between your daughters if she can’t go . Can your DH take her ? You not going with your daughter will still be you taking a stand and hopefully make them feel awful , but your other daughter isn’t suffering .

What a horrible situation - I truly believe in blended families that all children should be included . I would be exactly the same as you .

She doesn’t have any ‘right’ to go. The invite was declined by her parents on behalf of the 3 of them - as is normal for a child.

The family have clearly been invited under sufferance - as if the bride and groom would want a 12 year old they barely know attending their wedding!

Oh yes children are the property of their parents, unthinkable to allow a 12 year old any autonomy?

Lol.

When it comes to going places we’ve been invited as a family and declined, no they have absolutely no autonomy at all. Because they are children and we have made the decision, for whatever reason, on behalf of all of us. That’s generally how it works with kids.