12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Other people's welfare DOES depend on us "making the right choices". Our actions can hurt people. And sometimes it is absolutely appropriate to override our own feelings in order to do what's right for our family members as individuals, our family as a whole and even our wider community. The idea that we should all get to do whatever we want all of the time because we are not responsible for other people's feelings is a complete nonsense. We should be explaining to all of our children that they are part of a team and there will come a time when they need the team and expect them to be there, in the ops case her eldest daughter needs the team to gather round her now.

In this situation I would tell the 12 year old she is definitely not going to the wedding. Partly because it is deeply inappropriate for them to have invited 3 out of 4 family members. It is hurtful to you as a mother and to her sister. And secondly, you have already turned down the offer so they will likely have filled the space. Explain that your immediate family is important and her loyalty should be to them.

If she (as many other posters seem to be) concerned about bonding with cousins then you can arrange a different event for the cousins. A summer camping/glamping trip with bonfires, a bowling/burger night etc. show her that this wedding will not be her only opportunity for socialising with her cousins.

Your DH's nephew/brother have imposed their own notion of "Blood relatives" on your family, causing a rupture between you where there wasn't one before and this has led to your 12 year old arguing that her sister, who has been in DH's own unit with you for 13 years since she was a toddler and thinks of him as her father, is not part of 12 year old's Dh's family.

Presumably this was not an issue between the sisters before this was beautifully introduced by your DH's kind relatives.

I'd be furious.

Obviously, Nephew can invite who he wants, but you don't have to accept this and endorse their attitude towards your eldest DD by attending.

It would be good if 12 year old could see why you and DH are offended by this situation. Is there any way you can make her see why its just not nice to endorse her sister being singled out for exclusion and judged to be separate from you three?
Why does the Nephew get to decide that your daughter and 12 year old's sister should be treated differently and that you should all follow his lead. Especially as your DH doesn't agree.
I'm not going to say half sister since they have been brought up together by you and your DH as sisters since DD2s birth and treated as such by both of you to date.

As if inviting one 16 year old would make such a deal of difference that they have to make such a stand on the issue, despite what its doing to the relationship between the two girls. I'd also be cross with your DH parents for going along with this. They don't seem to understand the effect it has on BOTH girls, including their own "blood relative" grand daughter.

A party for the 30 something cousins? Are any of them actually 12? Sounds like they are older.

It's laughable that a family decline a wedding invite but then say oh actually 12 year old can go. That just does not happen. Does the 30 something cousin even know the kid?

I get that, but when you're 12...?

It's just that I was brought up like this, to take heavy responsibility for everyone else's feelings but my own. And let me tell you, it doesn't work in the long run.

Of course not a party for the cousin who is marrying. The op stated in one of her posts -

I have never heard her even speak about this cousin but she insists she likes him and wants to hang out with her other cousins.

I am assuming the "other" cousins that she wants to hang out with are closer to her age.

I’m sorry you had that experience, but this situation doesn’t necessarily mean that this child is always made to put others feelings before her own. It’s a snapshot.

That makes absoloutly no difference at all... they are a family, they've been together ar least 13 years so hes as good as raised her. Who invites a family but leaves the non bio relates child at home. What a way to say you're not one of us. Its disgusting!

So when do you start to teach humans about loyalty and communal responsibility? She is 12 not 6! She is not being asked to do anything unreasonable. In fact, what she is being taught is boundaries about what is acceptable to put up with in interpersonal relationships. If she goes along to this party she is accepting that her sister (and her mother) are not seen as legitimate members of the wider family. Her mother is modelling an absolutely appropriate response to this. She hasn't made a fuss, just removed the family from the situation.

So the sister isn't invited because you're not biologicaly one of us, but the rest of thenfamily are. They've declined in principle because it's disgusting and then they should let their daughter go. Absoloutly not. They accept both kids or non. Can't just pick and choose like that

100% these posts have absoloutly made me fuming. This poor girl is in a family, has a sister and all of them are invited to a wedding because she isn't biologically his daughter. Like WTAF and there's people justifying it ir saying let thenother sister go. To me they are both their kids and if 1 isn't welcome, then non of them are. They are a family unit. I can't even imagine that poor girls feelings, what a massive, you're not one of us and the middle finger is that to her.

I accidentally voted thinking the question was "is my 12 year old being unreasonable " I definitely think she is. Poor 15 year old to be excluded when she has been in the family since 2 years old. It's so bizarre that they would do this. It's like not inviting am adopted child just because she was adopted at 2 instead on born into the family

The 3 of you have a right to be upset. They are not accepting his choice to treat eldest as his DD. They are excluding, rather thoughtlessly. You now know what they think of your family dynamics and can move ahead accordingly.

DD12 is only thinking of herself, as 12 year olds do. But she is right, its her cousin. If you divorced DH tomorrow your eldest DD would probably never have contact with that side of the family. She may resent her sister for your choice. I would allow her to go with her grandparents and just explain to eldest DD that its her sisters choice. Eldest DD can then take it up with her.

What's upsetting is that the bride and groom see a difference where in your nuclear family there is none. By being pointed about this difference, they've introduced discord into your family.

I think your 12yo is flexing her muscles with the whole I'm-blood-she's-not thing. It's the first time she's had the opportunity to make a things of this, it seems. She's 12yo, she's being dramatic (I know what that's like from my own DD). It's age-appropriate for her to explore/test the limits and strength of your definition of family.

THEREFORE, it's crucial that you push back, commensurately to how far she's pushing. This wedding isn't a critical thing in her life, it's one of many weddings she'll attend, of a cousin she's not close to. It's a good moment for you to assert that actually no, all four of you are a family, we won't be having any of this "she's not one of us" stuff. And also no, at 12yo, she's not old enough to make decisions like this for herself.

If you give in, you'll be opening the door to more and more of this stuff, and it will ramp up considerably when it comes to children, grandchildren, inheritances (is your eldest to be treated the same as any future children of the bride and groom by your MIL/FIL?), and the wider family especially given your MIL and SIL seem to have said the right things but clearly don't have the courage of their convictions. For now, it's easy.

Stay firm. She's 12, she needs guidance and a firm hand.

Your older DD has grown up with DH so it's extremely shitty of the B&G.

That said, your younger DD is only 12. She wants to go and is probably latching on to the 'not actually related' thing to justify it to herself (and trying with you).

If she really wants to go, don't punish her as well. The main thing for your older DD is that you and DH don't go and she fully knows and understands that you support her. Younger DD not going will only cause more heartache.

Let younger DD go and plan something special and fabulous for you and DH to do with older DD at the same time.

And don't get much of a wedding present! I know numbers can be tight and every seat costs, but excluding one child is poor.

How well does 12yo know her cousin and new partner?

Once people start marrying into a family they're not all blood related anyway - the 12 year old is latching too much onto this. She's blood-related to the cousin, but you're not and still got an invite!

I understand that, of course. But we clearly have a different take on this! Mine is that it would be more helpful to teach the older daughter that even adults can be immature and make stupid decisions, and we shouldn't let this impact us or our sense of self-esteem.

Also, that we should let our sibling enjoy something rather than demand they "take sides" in a situation that is completely beyond their understanding, influence or control.

Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions, and it's precisely during the vulnerable teenage years that pointless, toxic patterns of self-sacrifice can be deeply ingrained.

This is sad. This is so upsetting for your eldest dd. I think it was rather nasty not to include her as she has been in your dhs family for so long.
Some people are just disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves.
Nobody in my df would ever do this to a child.
Upset and angry on your behalf x

No one in your immediate family should go, including the 12 yr old. It is kind of ridiculous that she is making a fuss. Also shameful that your older DD was excluded. That's family rift time in my book.

So what lessons will be learnt if she is allowed to go? 🤔

There is absolutely no reason that the eldest daughter can not still be taught that adults can be unkind and make stupid decisions and that her not being invited is a them problem and not a her problem.

And by removing the choice from the 12 year old their is no guilt or shame. In fact giving the child the choice to go or not go would be the trigger for feelings of guilt and shame. If she goes, she knows that she is upsetting her family and if the relationship with her sister is strained at any point in the future she will question whether her actions were the trigger point. By simply stating, "No one is going, we're doing something else that day and it's mine and dad's decision", the op is removing any guilt, shame or responsibility from the two children and taking the brunt of any resentment - which is how it should be.

I wasn't invited to my half sisters weddings. I haven't spoken to my family ('mum', stepdad or sisters. I have older sister who has 2 kids, nephew and niece) tbh my life a lot easier (bearing in mind I developed multiple sclerosis in 2006 aged 25. Mother has it and my real dad had transverse myelitis (variation of m.s). Let her decide if she wants to go.