12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

You need to stick together as a family unit and either you all go or none of you go, set the precedent for any future events

This. Blood is nothing to do with it. Every family has non blood relatives. When I married, I wasn’t a blood relative of my husbands family and yet I got invited. My husband wasn’t blood to my family but got invited. The daughter and wife are not blood to her husband or his family, yet they invite the wife but not the daughter, who is part of the small family unit, by marriage as is the wife. Girlfriends related to no one or boyfriends related to no one get invited to weddings by dint of their relationship with their partner who is related. People invite friends to weddings, also related to no one. So why exclude a girl who is family by marriage ? It’s sick and cruel.

Start at the end result, and work backwards.

1. You've declined already - possibly, the couple have now invited other guests based on that answer. You didn't hear any different approach from them in the month in between from them or anyone else, so they want to stay with the invitation to 3 but not 4 of you.

DD12 goes alone in the company of other relatives. Potentially, you and DH take DD15 out for the day instead. Other relatives with DD12 responsibility possibly thrilled or possibly a bit annoyed at being pulled into the operational part of this awkward situation, but DD12 is happy that she has got her way, loves the months of photos and the talk about how lovely it was and the aftermath, enjoys all that part of it. DD15 maybe a bit to a lot hurt but knows you are trying to have her back. Future relationship with cousin and spouse likely to be weird. Future sister relationship, who knows.

DD12 and DD15 don't go, because you've said no. Also it's difficult and unthinking, and unfair of the couple to single out who's related and who isn't in their celebration. DD12 resents as only a 12 year old can. You won't get the wish of her not wanting to go for the same reasons you see, but she's 12. DD15 sees that family sticks up for her and even if more distant family are weird, close family don't agree with their decision and you won't be seeing distant family all that often so chalk it up to experience, realise it's not your circus, and move on with things.

Only you know what works better.

As you've declined the invitation already, then surely its too ate anyway.

I'm open mouthed at the idea that anyone thinks the invitation is acceptable. Your daughter is part of your family. Absolutely disgraceful and I don't know how anyone could be so cruel to a child who has been part of your husbands family since she was a toddler.

You can’t possibly blame a 12 year old for this. She’s only a child and these are weighty adult family politics, that NONE of the children had any hand in making.

Given the cat is out of the bag what needs to happen is you as a family need to have a sit down frank and honest conversation about all of this, and it’s crucial everyone is listened to, heard and understood.

You can’t just hand dictates down to and placing blame onto your 12 year old for not “standing by the family”. By doing that you are playing clear favourites and showing her thoughts and feelings come secondary to her sisters. This will create more problems in the future.

Whilst I think it’s admirable both you and your DH are so keen to be sensitive to the sting your eldest is feeling at being excluded, but this cannot be done at the expense of your youngest’s feelings. Which so far it is.

This is one of those opportunities to explain there are many ways people look at these things and life isn’t always clear cut nor fair. What I would try to reach at this family meeting is at least an appreciation of how everyone is feeling. It’s 100% fair for the 15 year old to feel the way she does, and indeed for you and DH to wish to stand by her by not going. I’d suggest trying to do something big of her choosing on the day of the wedding itself, and then give your youngest the choice of which she’d most like to do.

However you need to make the 12 year feel that she has both the support of you, DH and even her sister if she chooses differently to the rest of you. Not everyone feels the same way about all things when it comes to family, how your 12 year old legitimately feels about all this is not in fact the betrayal you feel it is. It’s just how she feels and she should have as much support as her sibling. I can’t stress enough how important it is she isn’t pressured to just go along with the majority if that’s not how she feels.

An ideal outcome here is that you all make the best of a situation that’s not really of any of your making. You have wonderful days be that you, DH and your eldest on your day out, and your youngest at the wedding (should she choose to go after weighing it all up), and then at the end of the day you can all sit together and share all the memories together.

If your husband can’t outright ask his brother then it appears they don’t have a very close relationship, you’ve only met the bride a handful of times so I don’t think your presence seems that important to them, they have probably only invited you because they had to. The people I invited because I had to to my wedding didn’t have any plus ones or step kids or anything. Weddings are expensive so your right to decline. However you are wrong to control what your daughter wants to do and you sound like you’re manipulating her by trying to make her feel bad. She doesn’t feel like she’s wrong and she really isn’t that wrong, it’s pretty horrible of you to try to make her feel so bad about it. I feel bad for her. Let her go and have fun with her family. She doesn’t have to stand by your decision at all she’s her own person. I’m getting toxic mum vibes.

Jesus Christ people - the invitation has been declined! You can’t say a few weeks later - ‘hey, my youngest daughter, who you don’t know very well, has decided she’d like to accept after all’ - it doesn’t work like that!

They’ll no doubt have either filled the 3 spaces with other people by now, or they just won’t want a random 12 year old attending their wedding alone.

They definitely should have invited your 15 year old. It is cruel not to. However, I think you should let your 12 year old gol.

Well OP’s husband - you know, the person actually related to the groom - seems to think it’s still an option for his younger daughter to go alone, so I’m not sure why you’re trying to suggest people are stupid for commenting as such.

Whether you let the 12 year old go is up to you. What really shocks me is the attitude from people posting that your older DD is no relation. I come from a blended family with full siblings, half siblings and step siblings.
We were all considered one family. When I married my DH, I also married his family. I consider 'his' nieces and nephews my nieces and nephews. They refer to me as Aunt....not aunt that's not really related to us! Of course your older DD should be considered as part of the family as you are part of the family. We'll done to your DH for supporting his daughter!

Not at all helpful to your thread but I read this as “12 year old wants to go welding”.

I thought “good on ya girl”!

It feels very mean spirited to me to not invite a whole family unit and excluding the step child who has been part of your DH's life since she was 2. I wouldn't particularly want to go to someone's wedding, buy them a gift etc who thinks that is an OK thing to do. Good on your husband I say - especially as he clearly sees his step daughter as 'his' family.

Maybe DD12 will understand when she's older. I'm absolutely disgusted with some of the comments you've received. Excluding DD15 is essentially saying they don't accept her.

And sure, they don't HAVE to accept her but they can't then expect you and DH to simper up and wish them well on their wedding day. That's your child that they've hurt and insulted.

I can see why you are disappointed in your daughters attitude. I would be too. I'd have thought a sister trumps a cousin.

While you and DH are free to boycott the wedding in protest, your DD12 is old enough to decide to join in or not imho. I think you’ve done the right thing by saying you disagree, she should be boycotting the wedding too but at point she has already shown she doesn’t support her sister, and likely hurt her feelings on the matter. The only way to recover it is to not force her to not go. Leave it up to her. Only if she freely and willingly realises she is making a bad decision, changes her mind and stays will her sister then have reason to forgive her.

Depending on how ‘mature’ you think they are, o suggest to get the girls to discuss it with you present. So they can both hear each other out. As regards the actual issue it’s dreadful she has been left out and whoever made that decision should be utterly ashamed and take responsibility for a family rift that can never be undone.

I think I'd drop the rope on this. OK DD12, you want to go, I won't stop you.
If that 12 year old has got the gumption to ring the happy couple to accept the invitation, contact an Auntie or a grandparent to source a lift and a lift home, sort an outfit, and a gift, she can go to the wedding!
I like to think my 12 yo is quite organised but she wouldn't get herself to a wedding without me, and neither would most of her peers.

Also I'd let dad do the talking her out of it. It is his nephew who is acting badly here, he can explain to DD12 why it is hurtful. Mum can take a step back.

We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything.

Well I’m presuming her husband is just guessing that accepting an invitation on behalf of their 12 year old daughter, a month after they declined it, would be ok - because op has stated that nobody has been in touch over the past month.

The idea that a child would accept a wedding invite that clearly the bride and groom weren’t even bothered about issuing to her parents, is laughable and ridiculous.

However all of this is neither here nor there as op hasn’t returned and I doubt this scenario is even real…

Look, I agree with you that it's very mean-spirited not to invite your 15 year old if she's been part of the family since she was 2 and a half. It's ridiculous and very pointedly unkind. The couple getting married are behaving appallingly.

However.

I don't think you get to decide to cut your 12 year old out of her family events because you (rightly) disapprove of the invitation decisions of this rude couple. Would your 12 year old make a different decision if she were 25 and had a bit more awareness, maturity and life-experience? Quite possibly. But it's not unreasonable of her to want to spend time with her cousins at a bonding family occasion like this and to feel like she would be being punished and excluded from that by being forced to miss out.

I think you're lucky to be in a situation where her going by herself is not an issue. Let her do that, while you and DH take DD15 out somewhere fabulous for the day while DD12 goes to the wedding. Don't use DD12 to try to make a Family Statement that she doesn't want to make. It won't achieve what you want it to achieve and it sounds like it might drive a wedge between your girls too.

My advice is to choose pragmatism!

I think it’s such a mean and selfish thing to do to a 16 year old, when a child has been part of the family for such a long time surely it doesn’t matter who her actual dad is, she’s just part of the extended family.

I would just say no, you’ve already refused the invitation on principle and she should show solidarity to her sister.

I'd let her go with good grace and minimal commentary. It's the lesser of two evils frankly. You've expressed your own views to her, now step back.

If you force her to not go, or guilt trip her into not going, or let her go with bad grace from you all, then the longer term chances of a continuing strong relationship with her sister is at serious risk.

Let her go, she will look back in later years and reflect with a maturity she hasn't yet got. You expect too much from a 12yr old excited by the idea of a wedding.

I was your 15 year old and it still hurts many years after so full sympathies . Thus said if the 12 year old can go on her own I would let her do so with the family but for you and your husband to spend the day with your other kid.