12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

This really makes my blood boil seeing people on here say ‘she’s not blood’….well neither is the OP and she’s been invited?! She’s become a part of her husbands family through marriage, her daughter SHOULD be thought of and accepted into the family the same. This is a child and can have massive consequences on them as they get older, their mental wellbeing knowing she’s singled out as not ‘family’.

I’m actually astonished at the replies on here! I read it that the 15 year is very much part of the family. The way you’ve worded it as child of long ago partner might affect how people are viewing this, she’s your daughter, your partners step daughter, why on earth would she not be invited as part of the family? She lives with you yes? It might be different if she lived with her dad and you saw her once a week or something. But not to invite her and isolate a child is rude and unkind and you were right to decline.
Your 12 does not get to decide to go on her own. It would be a firm no from me. She needs to learn a lesson about family solidarity and loyalty. That’s her sister!

I completely agree with you OP and your husband to be one unit with your eldest and I would take her out on the day together. As for your youngest I would let her see the display of unity and support you are showing to your eldest but would let her chose with no pressure whether to go or not because even if she ultimately goes I am sure that the message you are giving out will register with her and she will remember it but she may not have the maturity yet to embrace it on this occasion.

The letting the 12 year old choose whether she wants to go or not is a moot point because the couple may not even want her there on her own. If spaces are so tight that they were ‘unable’ to invite op’s elder daughter, they may want to give their spaces to someone else, rather than have a 12 year old they don’t know very well turn up on her own.

The invite was for the family (well, part of the family). It’s absurd for the child of that family to turn up alone.

It's the parents job to consider what they think is best for their family unit as a whole and to decide accordingly. That's all anyone can do when there's a decision to be made and a choice which has the potential to annoy or upset someone!

Kids have to accept the perfectly valid choices their parents make, whether they agree or not. They get to make their own choices for their own family unit, when they are adults. That's life.

While parents should listen to their children and take their feelings into account, I think society has forgotten that this doesn't mean parents have to turn themselves into human pretzels to give a child everything they want. Or agree to things they feel are morally wrong.

You've made a decision stick with it

It's so offensive on many different levels - is the cousin they not invited friends? Other non-relations to the wedding? You are also not related - it's a nonsense argument clearly from a 12 year old that doesn't understand. You need to sit her down and explain why her sister being excluded matters - I'm more worried about her lack empathy than anything else

I’m honestly taken aback at some of these responses.

if your husband has accepted your DD as his own then that’s that. She is his daughter and should be treated accordingly by his family members. Regardless of whether she came into the family recently or not (I am ASTONISHED at how long you have been together and that this has happened).

You are only being unreasonable by being upset at your other DD and letting her question your judgement. She’s a preteen and she’s selfish, that’s natural. This is a social event to her, it’s the same as getting cross about missing out on a party. But you are completely right in sticking as a family unit. This is a huge lesson for her to learn and it’s so important she learns it. You are a brilliant mum and dad!

Do something really fun for the day instead and give DD12 the choice to join you or stay home.

If your older DD was invited to her dad's brothers wedding but not the younger one would that bother you the same way?
It is a bit strange of them not inviting all 4 of you and leaving her out and I wouldn't go either but if your younger DD wants to go where all her relatives are you should let her. Very unfair that she should miss out on such a huge family event.

I'm totally amazed people think is ok, and I too would be hurt and furious! How dare they exclude a child who has been a part of the family for 13+years.
I've a 12 yo DD too, and she is headstrong. But if I sit down and explain things calmly and from another pov, she will usually come around and at least understand.
I feel dreadful for your eldest. I hope she is ok x

As you've already declined the invitation is the decision not already been made, is that not the answer for your 12 year old, after the truly insensitive and thoughtless decision they have made I would not be going back to them and saying actually DD2 now wants to come is that ok.....

Unless you have experienced a blended family people often don't understand how much exclusion hurts children and the family unit, I'd have done the exact same in your shoes.

I'd be nipping this attitude in the bud: "he isn't her cousin" - yes, he is cousin to both girls whether he's related by blood or not. I'm a step granddaughter, etc but I was never ever treated differently by anyone in the family, including my (half) brother.i can't believe what I'm reading on here to be honest when people say things like "well they're not family".

I would have said let her go until I read that. It's a really nasty thing for her to say even if she doesn't realise it so perhaps it is worth explaining to her how it makes her sister feel.

Not including your daughter in the invitation is just cruel. I think you're doing the right thing turning down the invitation - as a family.

That is so mean not inviting your 15 year old. You aren't related to the cousin either so could argue that point.

Half the wedding plus won't be related ffs!

well the Op was invited and she is not a “ blood relative “. And I assume that the bride and groom are both going and they are unlikely to be blood relatives of each other

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone have you been able to have a conversation with your 12 yo to explain why she can't go to the wedding? I feel so sorry for your eldest daughter. Just cannot believe how the bride/groom thought it appropriate to invite 3 people from a 4 person family?!!?

Your 12 year old has been invited in her own right ie didn't get her own invitation but was part of the family invite. If the WHOLE family isn't going then she doesn't get to decide that she alone is going. She should also not want to go herself as her sister isn't invited. She needs to understand that her loyalty is with her sister not the extended family.

• has not been invited in her own right 🙄

You don't want her to go. That is the end of it. She will get over it after some sulking.

I wouldn’t let her go. I’d just say ‘Look Emily I know it’s shitty, I’d like to go to a nice wedding too, but we’re a family, of which your sister is a part of. I’m not leaving her at home sorry. Let’s do a lovely day out instead.’

Of course it makes sense. You want her care about her sister being included.

You yourself aren't related to this person. Their wife won't be related to any of the family. Does that mean they can be excluded from family gatherings? Does only DNA make a family?

I think you're in the right. Your eldest is seen by your husband as his own. So does the family. She should have been invited. If the other one was in YOUR situation. He is her daughter and this cousins made her feel otherwise.

I think it would be a shame if she grew up believing that other people's welfare depends on her "making the right choices" (i.e. overriding her own feelings). It makes absolutely no difference to her sister whether she goes or not, unless you insist on turning this into a moral dilemma.

This is how weddings can fuck up relationships. You need to explain to your 12 year old that you are upset she has been put into this position, but that her sister is more important than a party, and that if she goes the dynamics in your nuclear family will change completely. Your 15 year old will feel like an outsider for the guest time. In fact she probably already does. Has your DH adopted her?

Don’t be angry that your younger daughter wants to go though. After all there are grown up adults that are suggesting it would be appropriate (including on this thread!) so why shouldn’t she? She’s a kid. I am so sorry you are in this position.

Well, she is right, eldest isn't related. DP's mother died when our first child was little. She'd seen her grandchild about three times due to not wanting to travel, never met the youngest. I object to her husband being called Grandad. He's absolutely nothing to do with them .Has barely seen them and is just some guy their grandmother married. Likewise their aunt's fiance isn't but as they see the children more I'm okay with uncle being used for him. But if the DC asked I'd say he wasn't related.

She's been in the same family as the cousin for 12.5 years! And they just expect her to be left at home? Nah, I'd say no too.

We had something similar for our wedding, although the blended family and relationships weren't as established as they are in this case. We ended up inviting the step daughter after some debate. Out feeling was that we could potentially see the heart breaking of the poor girl, left alone like Cinderella while the rest of the family had a good time. There was no "right" to an invite but it just felt like the right thing to do, and she was lovely and smiled throughout the day.

Unfortunately, this sort of things happen with blended families. I wouldn't be happy either and I feel like the bride and groom could have found just 1 more place to accommodate your eldest. That said, I don't think its fair to punish your youngest for the couples thoughtlessness and use her as a bit of a pawn, and alienate her from her family over your grievance.

There is no easy answer here, but the best I can come up with is to let her go assuming someone can keep an eye on her, and make a big fuss of eldest daughter on that day, maybe take her out somewhere and spoil her.