12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

@WimpoleHat you raise some good points.
The op has indicated there are other family other than the Grooms parents along with the Grandparents she could go with.

But ultimately do the other Adults want responsibility for the 12 yo? I'm not sure I'd want to take someone else's child to a wedding.

I've raised similar points, but they are really moot. None of the family will be attending. Both DD2's parents have said 'no'.

It's the right response. A consistent family RSVP in the negative is the most dignified, effective and practical solution given circumstances. This can't be open to misinterpretations of churlishness behaviour, or an intention to use a 12-year-old kid simply to make a cheap point.

12-year-olds cannot have everything they want, when they want it. Failure to teach them that lesson is a dereliction of parental duty unless they want an insufferable adult on their hands in a few years' time. The issue of not attending a bloody boring wedding is hardly one that will go down in any child's head as a whole lifelong history of her half-sister's needs being put above her own. We've all wanted to go somewhere in our time and had our parents say 'no'. It's called growing up.

Some of the responses to this thread are ridiculous. I believe some members of this site just enjoy stirring up the histrionics. It's OP's life, not ours, and it seems her decision is taken. Good for her.

I do agree I think Ops best plan would be to at best have a family holiday or at least a day out somewhere and forget the wedding.
The girls will need each other far more than they will the 30 yo cousin who decided to split them.

Actually I get the feeling the Groom isn't that fussed about the wedding, or family. But probably being nagged at "you need to invite Aunties and Uncles and your cousins"
I also have the feeling the 12 yo just wants to go to A WEDDING doesn't matter who's just wants experience a wedding.

@mrsdineen2 is the clearest example of the Dunning Kruger effect that I have observed on mumsnet. Quite a feat.

Hi, surprised you kept the same username to follow me from thread to thread.

1. Have you got anything novel to say? Your boring repetition of the same point would suggest otherwise.
2. Changing usernames is permitted. I was on the app last night and the current username did not switch over. Please confirm with mumsnet if necessary to prevent the repetition of 1), which would be lovely.

I am in agreement with you, OP. I would be the same as it doesn't feel fair to single out one child. Your poor 15 year old as well especially as being brought up by your husband will have always felt just as much part of the family as everyone else, really sad for her that she's been excluded

you have no idea whether this is something that will breed long-term resentment in the 12 year old. It may very well be the case that it won’t, but it absolutely could do. There been more than one thread recently about younger half siblings making their resentments over such situations very apparent.

You can’t force someone into sharing your viewpoint even if they are your child. You can’t dictate what they’ll feel about your actions in the short, medium or long term, and you can’t control how they’ll consider their relationships once independent of you.

You’ve posted repeated threads about this and repeatedly attempted to make this wedding all about you and your DD. Give over ffs. Even your 12 year old can see how immature you are.

Yes that would make it very clear to the extended family that the four of them are a unit and make them see how wrong they were to leave one child out.

The bigger picture of the dynamics between these two half-sisters is one to which none of us are privy. In which case, why speculate?

I'm not commenting on the bigger picture. I'm commenting on the scenario OP puts forward: 12-YO daughter wants to go to a wedding and has been told 'no'.

That, I'm afraid, is life.

I've advised OP upthread that she cannot 'control' what her daughter thinks, and that 12-YOs are likely more concerned with going to the party than concerning themselves with family loyalties. This, I believe, is unreasonable and if anything is likely to breed resentment, it's this.

Declining an invitation on behalf of the whole family unit, on the other hand, isn't unreasonable at all. It really doesn't merit this amount of angst.

It's only a wedding. Despite what fixated brides and grooms think about everything being their way for the day, despite whatever ramifications this might cause in the longer-term, weddings are not all that.

So because you don’t think it’s a big deal that means that no one should think it’s a big deal? Because you don’t think this could result in the exact opposite of what OP intends, then it won’t? No, it doesn’t work like that.

Sure, OP could say ‘no’ (assuming she reaches agreement with her husband), but that doesn’t mean the outcome of doing so will be the one she wants - again, there’s been recent threads that demonstrate just how badly such a ‘minor thing’ can blow up in someone’s face 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly think this is blowing out of proportion here . The family is wrong 100% . My oldest step son is actually my husbands step son too he was with his mum since he was 3 ( now 23 ) when they got divorced 8 years ago he was still his son as much as when they where married , he is 100% my stepson as much as my partners biological son .
This child is sort of her step fathers family since she was 2 ! The dad said he is upset and he is not going that should go for the whole family . The 12 year old will realise how silly she is when she grows up . The reality is the parents done owe her any justification, she is 12 .If she gets resentful towards her teacher the op and her husband should gear that towards the people acting badly , the dad’s family , not her sister ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Some people simply must have their theatrics, and if they're not there in the first place, they go looking for them. There is all manner of speculation here about which the OP never posted in the first place.

A mountain is being made from a molehill here. Must be exhausting.

There’s absolutely no way in hell my 12 year old would be dictating what goes on. I’d have made the same decision op, you all go, or none of you go. Your dh’s family are massive dicks.

Besides, I cannot believe the bride and groom would be at all happy with a random 12 year old attending when they could have filled her place with someone else they’d rather have in attendance.

They may have capacity but parents have the final say. 12 year olds should not be ruling the roost.

Only way to really.

Step siblings may have the same mother or father, but their other parent and family ties differ…. As such you may find substantially different social/life/financial opportunities. Unless the elder child is adopted in which case they actually are the daughter of the new parent and ties with previous are cut.

Do people not understand the difference between step sibling and half sibling?

I agree with you Op and.completely understand both your desire to not go and your desire for your 12 year old to want to support her sister. I know if this was my children there would be no question of anyone in the family going.

I would be gutted if my 12 year old didn't understand why this invitation is hurtful to her sister and her mum. I was at a siblings wedding when I was a young teenager. I also had half-siblings. When the photographer ushered me into a family photo and waved my (half)siblings away saying "immediate family only" I was furious but the hurt in my siblings eye made me cry.

My concern would be what the 12 year old would say when aunt Flo or 3rd cousin removed Frank asks where her parents are.... does she have a filter or could she potentially cause more of a rift by being honest....

And honestly the cousin should invite the sister..... my parents fostered when i was still living at home.... those children were invited to family events including a wedding..... its not hard to include a child who did not choose their family dynamic.

"My 12 year old doesn't understand why I am so upset, she just accepts that the groom isn't related to her sister, she was sarcastic and asked me whether he should also invite all of her other relations on my side."

I probably would have allowed her to go with an adult family member until these smart comments came out of her mouth to be honest. How on earth does she feel entitled to be this rude to her parents?

Why does that matter? If my dh family didn’t invite my daughter I wouldn’t go either.. she’s also same age.. he married me and my family was part of that package…

Let your daughter go. It’s her family whom she should bond with. Is it worthy destroying your relationship with your 12 yo daughter? Pick your battles and know when it’s not worth it.