12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

But it hasn't happened and it won't ever happen - there is zero point in me answering hypotheticals.

In the main, you can't compare siblings - half, step or otherwise - to somone's actual husband or wife being invited to a wedding. That just wouldn't be a thing.

Sorry! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Her half sister is her relative but she’s not an actual relative of the people getting married.

The bride and groom are marrying, neither are related to the ops oldest daughter. Op is invited as the wife to the dh that’s all.

If op and her dh split the dh’s family would never see ops oldest child again. He hasn’t adopted her he isn’t her biological dad. They wouldn’t have any ability even him to force contact as she’s not legally related to them.

You’re right, OP was invited as DH wife, so why wasn’t DD15 invited as DH step daughter?

This isn’t some random teenager with her own paternal side of the family. DH has been her dad since she was 2!

Because the cousin clearly don’t see her as family and added up the numbers and cut where they felt they could.

weather you like that or not they picked family plus their legal partner and related children. That was the line.

I mean I bet they wish they just invited the dh and dd2 at this point. Probably be less hassle.

I don’t agree with this at all. I would assume, since he raised DD1 13 years since she was a toddler, if they split up the husband and therefore his family would see DD1, yes.

they probably didn’t adopt as it’s a fucking piece of paper they didn’t feel they needed. Presumably she calls him dad and his mother grandma and his brother uncle. They are family.

I’d imagine if he knows one, he’d know the other!

My brother's wife has seven children with four different fathers. I've only ever taken out the ones that are my actual nieces and nephews. The others have their own relatives they can do things with.

You not seen how many step parents can decide a child they even raised from a week old will just turn their backs… or how the biological parent bans visits and they step parent has no legal rights.

I mean hell biological parents and grandparents walk away from children as per ops oldest not exactly a stretch to abandon a step child.

Where does op say it was due to numbers?

I don’t officially. But most weddings have a number limit. But hey maybe they just hate the oldest child then. Does that make you feel better 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

I think your right OP , you all come as a package and to leave your eldest daughter out is wrong .. but 12 is a selfish age .. I'd explain to her your a family and no one is left behind

I understand completely how you feel. Your older daughter lives with you and to all intents and purposes she has been your husband's child since she was two. She has been your daughter's sister since she was born.
Your husband's family is being very unkind to invite you all except your daughter who is as much part of their family as you are. Would they behave the same if she was an adopted child?
I understand why you want your younger daughter to feel the same way you do but sadly you can't. She is being a typical unthinking 12 year old who can't see the hurt you and her sister feel.
But I would let her go with her extended family while you and you husband stay home.

What? I just asked where op confirmed that was the reason.

I wouldn't say they hate the older kid, just that they don't see her as family which at best makes them very unpleasant people as they don't see the issue with excluding someone because they aren't 'blood'.

Hate is a bit strong I think.

This. It isn't moral censure. It's a perfectly normal phase of childhood/adolescent development.

Women's social conditioning is effective. Being called selfish or rude are pervasive ways reinforcing that social conditioning; to the point that many of us have internalised these as amongst the worst traits of which a woman can be guilty. There are so many MN threads standing in evidence of precisely this point. It isn't so. Depending on circumstances, sometimes both are under good regulation. We learn that judgement as we grow.

In terms of wanting what we want first, foremost, and now when we're only 12, this is quite usual in young people. As you rightly say, it's our parents' job - their duty - to guide us through that transition.

OP and her DH are doing that.

This is a really nasty reply. So if the OP and her husband had adopted a child they wouldn't be invited either? I have a friend who had a three year old daughter when she met her husband. The family embraced her as part of their own to the extent where the step gran looked after her one day a week while the mother worked. Wouldn't it be great if everyone has such a generous and kind nature.

Don’t blame her for not standing by you as a family, 12 year olds can often be selfish and weddings are exciting at that age.

But I wouldn’t let her go either. She is 12 and very much a child in your household. Decisions for the family are made by the adults. My kids are sick of hearing me say “this isn’t a democracy!” But it’s true.

Maybe point out that you would be making the same decision if it was her being excluded.

Seen so many of these before where people think their children from previous relationships who aren’t related to the couple should be invited to the wedding…

It’s up to the couple. And to reiterate what’s been said to another person in this situation - while your husband may have decided to take on your daughter, that doesn’t mean his family are in any way obligated towards her - they aren’t her relatives.

Previous thread related to two young girls and they had more of a point…

At 16 your daughter is practically an adult, why would she want to go to a wedding of people that she isn’t related to?

If the 12yo wants to go to her cousin’s wedding let her go!! And to be honest you and husband behaving like this is making a big stink and creating drama around you - it isn’t your wedding you don’t get to decide.

No fucking way. The groom has known your daughter (his step cousin) since she was 2, or 4 at latest. There is no way anyone in my family would go to the wedding if a family member had been excluded, and I would be disappointed that I had raised a daughter who could happily see her sister be excluded like that and want to join in that treatment.

If op and her dh split the dh’s family would never see ops oldest child again.

If OP and her DH split they would also be unlikely to see OP again either. Does that mean only biological relatives should be invited (i.e. OP's DH and youngest daughter)? You don't make wedding invitations based on what could happen to the family unit in future, but who the family unit is now.

You declined the invitation as a family and I would stick to that, 12 year olds have to deal with being told no sometimes.

Fgs!

I haven’t read all the comments. I know people will be arguing the toss about why should the marrying couple invite non-blood relations 🙄

The way I see it, you only invite people to your wedding who you care about. I.e. would not upset by ignoring a child that lives with them and basically declaring “yeah, we don’t care about your other kid”.
If they’re not arsed about upsetting you all, would be less upset all round if they just said it’s a small occasion and didn’t invite any of you.

Im sorry your eldest saw the invite. It must have been very upsetting to realise some of the people she has considered family all her life, don’t consider her so.

As for youngest, I would be upset too. But she’s at a difficult age where she will think she knows best. I would sit her down and explain to her why you are all upset, that none of you 3 will be going, but if she wants to go with her gran/aunt/whoever, then she can. But to be sensitive in front of her sister.

People will be wondering why she is there without you all. It won’t reflect well on the bride and groom. Your dd will likely be very bored and wonder what she made such a fuss about.

The step daughter is related by marriage in the same way that any inlaw invited is. She absolutely is family. I expect there are some partners who are bot married yet still invited/considered family (as they should be).

If it was a new relationship it would be different but she has known them since she was 2. So hurtful.

I wouldn't be too hard on dd2 as she is at a selfish age but you are doing the right thing not going as a family.

At this stage I'd explain to your daughter that you and your DH won't be going as you feel that it's wrong for one of your children to be excluded. You would hope she would feel the same, as she herself would be upset if she was excluded from an event and her sister allowed to go. For example an aunt had a wedding that excluded under 14s.

If she wants to go irregardless she can, but you're disappointed in that decision. She needs to arrange everything. Pick up, clothes, someone to watch her, to stay with, drop her back home. Then arrange something special to do with your eldest.

How many other weddings has the younger sister been to? I suspect that she just wants to go to A wedding — whose it is doesn’t bother her. If you haven’t been to many/any weddings they seem very exciting.

I’m surprised no one else has picked up on this point - especially since OL herself says of her elder daughter:

Didn't the bloody invitation arrive when I was out and it was opened in front of her. She loves weddings and is devastated.

Note that it’s “She loves weddings and is devastated”. Not “She loves Cousin Charlie and is devastated” or “She thought she was close to that side of the family and is devastated”. Missing the wedding itself seems to be the upsetting part.

It makes me wonder, just how traumatised is the 15 year-old about a barely known older step-cousin not considering her family? Is it in fact the OP who is really the one most upset by this, and is taking this out on her younger daughter under the guise of worrying her older daughter will be upset?

I know my previous posts will make me seem very much Team 12 Year-old, but I do understand why OP is upset, and I know I personally wouldn’t have taken this approach at my wedding. But I still feel that, in her efforts not to upset her older daughter (which may actually be more to do with her own feelings on the subject), she’s missed how much she’s upsetting her youngest daughter.

She could have said, “I know you’re disappointed not to be going, but I really feel strongly that we should have been invited as a complete family unit. I hope you understand why I feel like we should all say we’re not going”. Instead, OP is actively angry with her daughter for not falling into line on this. She won’t even acknowledge her disappointment - she’s actually angry with her for feeling it. How does this not give the message that the older daughter’s feelings are the more important ones?

The OP’s husband’s attitude isn’t helping either. Rather than being angry with the bride and groom, he’s blaming his brother; turning on the amateur dramatics, saying he will “never forgive him” for a decision he didn’t even make. Has he considered whether this is really worth it when his stepdaughter’s disappointment may actually just be about missing a party?

It seems to me that making a stand - and a big dramatic point - about this has actually become more important than anyone’s actual feelings. And the 12 year-old daughter comes a very clear bottom of the list.