12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Absolute bullshit. No one goes.

She may only be 12, but she's still switched on enough to understand why her sister wasn't invited. Parents get the final say, yes, but that doesn't mean she has to be happy about it, or accept it, or forgive and forget it. She can see for herself that her mother is prioritising her sister over her.

This! They're not related, so this shouldn't even be an issue.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like DH's side has form for leaving eldest daughter out, and this is the straw that broke the camel's back...

Nobody goes.

The four of you go and do something nice for the day, London/theatre/Harry Potter world/Eurostar to Paris/whatever for the day.

Your 12 year old is not seeing the bigger picture, that's fine she's 12.
It's your job as the parents to show her the correct moral reaction, but also not to just punish her which may turn this into a much bigger rift (when it sounds like there has never been one before).
Respect to your DH on his, he sounds a good man

I wouldn't be pandering to a typically selfish 12 year olds wishes in this situation. Yea its a bit shit for her to miss out on a party, what a shame, but I just couldn't imagine having an active part in supporting the message that my other DD isn't really family, nor would I allow the 12 year old to have an active part in it either for her own good.

And not that other people's opinions bother me normally, but id hate for anyone to get wind of what's happened and for then to wrongly assume I was ok with it all. If the 12 year old goes that 100% says "we are ok with this".

As others have said sometimes we have to make decisions for our children, especially when they are too immature to see the bigger issue. It sucks for kids at the time but tough.

Disagree 100%. Those of us who are 'loyal' to a fault, end up routinely getting shat on.
DD12 shouldn't be 'guilted' into missing out on a wedding of her actual relatives. If DD15's feelings get in way of that, that's not really DD12's problem.

In what world is DD15 receiving preferential treatment?

Sounds like the complete opposite to me, parents are sending a clear message of equal treatment, you take all of us or none of us.

At the moment, DD12 will feel like she is the one being segregated by her parents choices. With maturity she will come to understand her sister was the one being segregated by her paternal families choices.

No one has control over how step family perceive DD15, but they have control over how they respond to this treatment.

As DD12 matures and she comes to realise DD15 was segregated by a bunch of cunts her paternal family and her own mother OK’d this preferential treatment, don’t you think that will foster up feelings of guilt for DD12 in future?

Hardly. OP is not telling her younger daughter that she's forbidden to have a relationship with her wider family. It's just a wedding. Contrary to what MN might believe, they are simply not that big a deal.

For sure, OP can't control what her younger daughter thinks. And at 12-YO, telling her where her loyalties should lie - especially when these are in direct opposition to a thing she personally wants - is ill-advised and unlikely to be effective.

The family as a whole, as a unit, are not going. This doesn't need escalating into next-level histrionics, even though when it comes to weddings MN is hardly the most rational place to ask for advice. Attending a party or not attending a party falls strictly into the category of 'don't sweat the small stuff'.

They're sending that clear message to DD1. It is for her benefit that her parents are refusing to go. It is for her benefit that they are forcing her sister to miss out. That is why DD2 is so angry about it. To her, her parents don't care what she wants because DD1 is the only one who matters in this situation.

But forcing DD2 to miss out won't help DD1 at all because involuntary compliance isn't support. DD1 might even feel guilty about it, which is why the OP thinks she would pretend to be ok with her little sister going. And that is why the OP is angry and disappointed at her youngest daughter. She wants her to miss out willingly. But that is too much to expect from a 12yo.

I can't get my head around some of the comments about the 12 year old being mature enough/switched on/knowing her own mind to make this decision

My 12 year old would ask me if he could stay up til 3am to play on the xbox. Or if he could have a glass of wine, or use his spends to buy £200 worth of Fifa points in one go. I'm sure he knew his own mind then too but the answer was still "err....no".

Theu havent invited someone they're not related to. And arent close to Absolutely fine

Your daughter needs to learn that if you say no it's no. a 12 year old cant go to the wedding by herself shes making a point

But forcing DD2 to miss out won't help DD1 at all because involuntary compliance isn't support. DD1 might even feel guilty about it, which is why the OP thinks she would pretend to be ok with her little sister going. And that is why the OP is angry and disappointed at her youngest daughter. She wants her to miss out willingly. But that is too much to expect from a 12yo.

That. This younger girl is being called all kinds of names on here.

Also I think that refusing to go, even if the bride and groom DO add the older one, is really petulant. OP and her DH could resolve this problem if they accepted an extra invitation and apology, but they're refusing to do that.

Such nasty comments on children in this thread.

The youngest is 12, she isn't selfish, she can't see the bigger picture, and parents decide for their children for exactly this reason.

The eldest is family to her stepdad, do she is family. Thank fuck nobody in my family treats step children this way. My cousin has three stepchildren, they are family to him, so they are family to the rest of us.

They aren't optional extras who can be divided from the rest of the family.

No, not really. Life isn't fair. The sooner all children learn to understand that, the better.

So you're effectively saying DD12 should miss out on events held by her blood relatives because someone who isn't an actual relative isn't invited?

Er, just no...

If your DH was invited to a wedding and all the other wives were invited except you, would you be happy with the reasoning ‘well, they just don’t see you as family and you’re not technically related, life isn’t fair so I’m going to skip along without you’

Or would you expect him to back you, as your immediate family unit?

Selfish isn't a dirty word. All young children go through this phase, it's normal and completely natural, and good at times. But it's a parents job to guide them through this and let them make some mistakes (so they learn consequences e.g. losing a friend for a while or whatever) but step in and make decisions for them if their (normal, natural) selfishness may have tricker outcomes or implications.

That would be an unlikely scenario in our family, since DH and I have been together for 30 years!

Besides, we're not talking about actual husbands and wives - we're talking about step-sisters. So the context isn't remotely comparable.

The blood relative shouldn't be forced to miss out on something because someone who isn't a blood relative can't attend. If she chooses to decline, then fine, but she shouldn't be made to.

Why punish your 22 year old? She's related to them, your older daughter isn't.

“Actual relatives”?! Are you for real?! Is her half sister not an “actual relative”? Is the bride, who is marrying into the family, not going to be an “actual relative”?!

Can people read? They aren’t step-sisters they are half sisters. Big difference.

It should be unlikely in this scenario, but it happened?

We’re talking about half sisters, not step sisters. Dad has been in DD15s life since she was 2 and accepts her as his own. It’s very dismissive the way you are suggesting it’s perfectly normal for DD15 to be segregated by his family because she is not an ‘actual’ relative (whatever that means).

So, would you force your DH to miss out on his actual blood relatives wedding, if they shunned you? After all, they are not your ‘actual’ relatives.

Edited to add: You are right that it’s not directly comparable. You as an adult should be able to heed your own advice that life is unfair and get on with it, but it doesn’t sound like you would? Yet you expect a 15 year old to take this complete humiliation on the chin.

I think you have quoted the wrong post 😅

I disagree. The family can hardly go.amd leave one daughter at home. She is a family member and should be treated.as such. It should be all attending or none

Just so I know for possible future mother-in-law duties......if my DC marries someone who already has a child and they go on to have another, and they all live together, I'm ok to go ahead and just take my blood grandchild out for the day and just wave toodle-oo to the non-blood at the window?

Sweet!! Cheaper days out!! 😬