12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

OP, there's a really strong consensus that you should allow your 12 yr old to go, which you don't seem to want to hear.

She is a kid. It is her job to be not actively unpleasant, rude or cause people pain. However, it is not her job to go to battle on the part of other people.

It doesn't even sound like you have done anything to support your elder daughter, other than weakly enquire and not follow up! And you are not even speaking to your elder daughter about it because she might be upset. All you are really doing as an adult is throwing a strop, with the moral high ground, then trying to pile shame on your younger daughter for not doing the same.

What have you done to usefully articulate how you want your family to be treated, in a way that would help your older daughter forge a better bond with her wider family? What have you done to help her process her feelings?

Asking a 12 year old to fight your family battles is a bit like getting your kids to pick sides in a divorce. Please Don't do that to her. Why don't you fight the battle instead? Talk to your family properly- explain how important this is, how much pain it is causing, and what the consequences will be if they cannot reverse their decision (not just to the wedding attendance but how you will think of them as family). Ask for a firm decision. I would be very surprised if they don't cave. If they stick to their guns, then at least you will have made a proper stand , and perhaps you will rely less on your kid to make that display.

Well actually… yes. Would you expect the other child’s family on the other side to take your (hypothetical) grandchild out?

I have DD and DSD. I don’t expect DSDs family to take my DD out/on holidays/to family events on their side.

However.. that’s all moot because this post is about half sisters not step.

I can see why OP feels the way she does but I agree with the majority of posters that she shouldn’t hold DD12 back from going to a family wedding because her eldest isn’t invited.

Being part of a blended family has opened my eyes to the fact that nobody outside of your immediate family tend to view you as a family unit the way you all do, unfortunately. I can see both sides.

It’s shit, but I can’t blame the blood relatives for only wanting their blood relatives at family events. it’s shit for the mother though.

It is very thoughtless of them not to invite your older daughter, and it's not something I'd ever do. You are family and come as a unit. But what happens when/if this situation occurs in the future? These situations are bound to pop-up every now & then.

Your 12 year old doesn't seem to "get it". I don't think she should miss out because other people view things differently. Certainly, it won't be easy to live with. if you speak to both of your girls at the same time about it, there might be more of an understanding?

How many other weddings has the younger sister been to? I suspect that she just wants to go to A wedding — whose it is doesn’t bother her. If you haven’t been to many/any weddings they seem very exciting.

Not sure who I'm originally quoting but it did cross my mind too that the 12 yo might just want to go to A Wedding.
At 12 I'd never been to a wedding, Charlie's and Di were as close as I got!

Op I don't think I'd want her to go either. I think she needs to be united with her sister - they are sisters. Theyll be times in life she needs her sister by her side. I half joked about going on holiday- if you can afford it - I actually think I would, holiday takes the decison completely out of her hands.

Nearly 20 years between her and the cousin, they are unlikely to ever be close anyway. Totally different stages in life. Sad but true the only times they are likely to see each other is funerals.

Wow. People who live together are a social unit. You don't ask a wife without a husband. You don't ask one child and not the other and you certainly don't say "We'll ask Brett and his wife and their kids, just not the oldest because they were aired by someone else."

I think this is so rude. I am a step-parent so I understand the complexities of blended families, but not inviting 1 child who lives with the family unit 100% of the time is completely not on.

It would be different if she spent 50% of time in another household potentially so was sometimes present at family gatherings or sometimes not, or if she was 18+ and they considered her an independent adult, but a 15yo?

I wouldn't attend either and wouldn't let 12yo go.

I just don't get how people can differentiate between 2 children in this situation. For the whole of younger DD's life this cousin will only have seen the 2 girls together since older DD doesn't have any contact with her bio dad. Presumably he knows them equally? How could you just cut one out without thought about how it would make the girl and her family feel?

YANBU not to go and YANBU to be upset about your 12 year old wanting to go but I think you should let her go. She is at an age where she can choose if she wants to go and it’s not fair that she has to miss out.

Would you feel the same about an adopted child being left out? That child isn’t ‘family’ in the blood sense either but is a part of the nuclear family.

And DD has been part of the groom’s life longer than the 12 year old. And they’ve spent the same amount of time with the bride. Nobody has a close relationship.

It’s just bloody thoughtless on the part of the bride and groom.

The world doesn’t revolve around your child who isn’t related to either of the bride or groom.

It doesn't revolve around the bride and groom, either. All this 'their day' self-centredness ignores the fact that guests are doing them the honour by attending rather than the other way round. For some, this eclipses the necessity of being a decent host, and leaving out one non-biologically-related child from one family, or following bizarre patterns like expecting some guests to cool their heels for five hours between the ceremony and evening party, is not good hosting. It's merely rude.

'Their wedding, their choice' extends to the choice of who the bride and groom decide to invite. That isn't up for negotiation or argument.

They don't, however, control who does or doesn't accept that invitation. That decision rests solely with the would-be guest. OP politely declined without explanation, but this wasn't good enough. MiL requested an explanation, got one, and didn't like it. That's what's commonly known as tough.

Parents declining an invitation on behalf of their family means their child isn't coming. End of story.

Apologies for duplicate post. My connection stalled as I hit send on that one, and it posted twice.

Which child of yours would you except not being invited ? The family that choose to not include one child on the invite are nasty bastards.

I think I would plan something really fun for that weekend. Something both girls would love to do/go to. 12yr old will then have the choice to miss out on the wedding or miss out on lovely treat weekend. Guess her decision in that scenario would indicate just how keen she really is to go to the wedding. If she is willing to give up a special treat for it then I guess it really is very important to her and perhaps she should be allowed to go (with sister having special weekend to make up for not going).

the 12 year old should absolutely not be allowed to attend. I’m so glad some of you aren’t my family!

What some are missing is the nuances of the situation. Had OP met her DH with a 16 yo DD that has an active and present father, and then had a child with her DH this would be less of a problem. Her DD would he older, going off to things with that side.

In this situation her daughter has no contact with her biological fathers family, has been with her DH since her DD was 2, and presumably has always called him dad for as long as she can remember. He has also probably told her she's as much his as the youngest and loves her just as much. What if he had officially adopted her? Would arguement they don't have to see her as family still stand? He's chosen OPs daughter as his own and has made a stand based on that. Good for him, he's a good man. If the youngest was younger the no from them all would work, now she's getting older it's trickier to handle. Hopefully with age will come wisdom for her and empathy for her sister.

I'd let DD12 go and spend time with her cousins.
But I'd use it as an opportunity to take DD15 out somewhere of her choice, and also let the B&G know why you aren't attending.
DD12 then misses out on the fun thing you're doing with her sister, but she made her choice, and DD15 gets something she enjoys and knows her parents have put her feelings first

Don't come at me. You don't know the first thing about me!

I'm not that entitled to think that I must be invited everywhere. There have been occasions where I've declined invites to ILs events myself because I've just not wanted to go. DH still went, ya know, since they're HIS family. Hope that helps.

People can only treat you how you let them. DD15 doesn't have to feel 'humiliated' at not being invited somewhere. DD12 on the other hand has every right to feel pissed off!

Also if DD12 goes to the wedding, it will be a reminder to them all day as to why you aren't there

I see why you’re upset but I think you should let your 12yo DD go if she wants to. It’s right that you’re not going in support of your other daughter though.

I am essentially your eldest daughter. Absent biological father, mum met my step dad when I was two. My half sister arrived when I was 4.
My stepdad’s family embraced me fully as their grandchild/niece/cousin and I was included in all family events. I was bridesmaid at three weddings!

I’m appalled at some of the posts on here who would exclude a child from a family which they have essentially been part of all their life.

I don’t really know what to advise you. Your 12 year old is just really excited about a wedding and a big family party and I would have been too, I loved us all getting together. But I also think it’s important your older daughter knows you support her fully. 12 year old can be selfish. If your 15 year old is mature enough to understand I would let your younger daughter go. But reinforce to her that their treatment of her sister is completely unacceptable.

So what? Thats 4 years away! That is a long time and a massive difference in a 12 year old to a 16 year old.

It’s not ‘a level of control’ it’s called parenting - you don’t let a 12 year old dictate to you as parents.

@PixieLaLar 12 was when I decided I'd leave home at the earliest opportunity to find my freedom. I left 3 months after my 16th.

Most don't but it happens.

I would hope that if the parents split a teenager would stay in the life of the step grandparents and other family members that she has grown up with. I don’t see why she necessarily needs to have any different relationship to them as the 12 year old does

Your also banking on them wanting a relationship with her if they are not morally required to as her no longer being their sons step daughter. Placing expectations on step families that biological parents can’t even be arsed to follow as per the daughters already abandoning by her fathers side.