12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

The nephew and his bride are basically utter pricks

Tough one. It would be quite different if older Dd has ever done anything with her biological father’s family with just her (as happens in mixed families) as then I’d say younger Dd and DH should go to “his” family thing and you and older Dd do something elsewhere.

But at 12 and assuming she is fine being taken to wedding by Gran/ staying over at Gran’s alone, I think I’d let Dd2 go. She’s old enough to decide whether going to a wedding or family unity is more important to her. Do something nice just the 3 of you ( DH , you and older DD) - as long as DH doesn’t go to the wedding too then I think it gets the message across that you are a united family, albeit one with a currently difficult preteen.

If i was you, i wouldn't let the 12 year old go, and I'd let her know how I felt the invite to 3 of the 4 of you was hurtful, and that I'm very disappointed in her for pushing to go without the rest of you.

As your first DD's father is not in her life, would he consider adopting her, to show her, your DD 12 and his family, that he is fully committed to her and she is his daughter? Might stop your DD 12 throwing the line 'he's not your father, he's mine' at DD 15 in the future, as she may not refer to her as her half-sister, but she obviously thinks of her as not a full member of the extended family.

So people that have known your eldest at least 12 years don't invite her to a wedding but invite her half sister and folk think this is acceptable?!

No OP I'm with you. This is a really sh1tty thing to do. How can they begrudge your 15 year old the cost of a meal that much?! And if space is the issue then if one child in the family isn't invited then none should be. Chances are someone will pull out anyway the day before and they're will be empty seats anyway.

"Again, it's not her fault that her sister doesn't have a relationship with her paternal side."

The DH of the OP has decided that he's the dad of the oldest child.
This is a decision that the parents made and it has been the reality for the entirety of the 12 year olds life - it's not for a 12 year old to decide that this means nothing because she wants to go to a party and doesn't care about hurting her sister.

Since the 12 yr old hasn't had a personal invitation and would only have been going as the offspring of the dh, it's not her choice. The parents aren't going, so she isn't!

I honestly don't get how people who are literally forming a new family connection, through a marriage, can ignore the connections made as a result of other peoples marriages!

I’d let her go. But I would also plan a really great family day out on the same date - use the money you would have spent on attending the wedding - and let her choose between the two.

You can’t expect a 12yo to have the maturity to make the right choice in this scenario, but you can stack the odds in your favour.

Are you serious? This is so awful, I am stunned by some of these replies.

For me, there are two outcomes:

1: DD2 misses out on wedding, family sends a clear message that DD1 will not be ‘othered’.

2: DD2 attends wedding, DD1 gets the message that not only does her bio paternal family not give a shit about her, neither does her step paternal family, or own sister for that matter.

In what world is outcome 2 favourable..

I don’t think it's about the cousin. It's about what the invitation represents. It's not her fault she doesn't have her biological father in her life. It's not her fault she is genetically related to the man who raised her, or to half of her family. And yet, the fact she wasn't invited to the weddings makes it very clear she is viewed as an outsider rather than part of the family I assume she thought had accepted her as one of their own. I feel so sorry for her.

*isn't genetically related to

Very unkind and thoughtless of DNephew not to invite the whole family and to leave out your older daughter. Your younger DD is in her selfish teen phase and unfortunately you can't change that, if she doesn't have empathy with her older sister and the predicament you are in. You really are stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place and I can't see how you can keep both daughters happy.
I'd be inclined to let the younger DD go to the wedding, under the care of another relative but to plan some really special for your older DD for the same day, something your older DD would really like. The more you try and persuade the younger girl that she's disloyal and unkind to her sister, the more she might disagree and fight. Unfortunately if she doesn't see the issue, you can't convince her and it will cause even more tension than it already has, if that is possible.

Totally with @BlueMongoose here. 12-year-olds don't get to make the decisions in my family either.

How would the girl get to the wedding, would someone come and collect her? Someone would have to keep an eye on her at the wedding – OP says family members would do this but it would have to be someone specific surely rather than a vague 'family'. And someone would have to stay sober enough to bring her home again. How late would it be? OP or her DH would have to stay up to make sure she was home safely. All sorts of practical hurdles to overcome.

And that's the case even if her parents were happy for her to go, which they are not.

Think this might have ramifications extending way beyond how the Bride and Grooms choices ‘make a teenager feel’.

Already MIL has commented- but not got back to OP. So she must be feeling stuck in the middle cringing.

DH blames BIL - who presumably has no sway either. So now BIL first dealings with his newly married DIL are those of her and his DS causing a family rift with his DB.

For those saying 12 year old has other family, well yes she does. But parents and siblings (that 12 year old lives with full time, not just one weekend a month blended family etc) are your immediate family.

Your aunts, uncles, cousins etc are important ‘extended family’. The distinction is important.

15 year old will undoubtedly feel hurt - and ostracised from DH’s family. I hope DH is able to reassure 15 year old of her position with him.

I find the whole “but she’s been invited” thing a bit odd; presumably the 12 year old (and the OP, for that matter) has been invited to go as an extension of her dad, the brother of the groom, rather than as a guest in her own right? So it’s a bit odd if she goes when her dad has said he isn’t going. (Aside from the practicalities of who will take her, be responsible for her while she’s there, get her home etc). This is her dad’s call to make, I think - and if he’s not going, then she isn’t either.

(it’s not just a parent/child thing. I was invited to my BIL’s wedding. Not for my scintillating company or my lovely personality or for any other reason other than the fact that I am DH’s wife and BIL is his brother. If DH couldn’t/hadn’t wanted to go, it would have been pretty bloody strange for me to have gone on my own in any circumstances other than explicitly representing him. Because the invitation wasn’t to me “as Wimpole”, it was to me “as Mrs DH”. And the same is true here; this child has been invited because she’s some sort of favoured cousin, but because she’s her father’s daughter. So very odd for her to go solo - and probably not a move welcomed by the bride and groom.)

Explain to your 12 year old families stick together , loyalty is the most important thing . So you either go as a family or you don’t go at all . If she is still adamant she wants to go let her but tell her how disappointed you are and ask her how would she feel if it was the other way around .
I would feel the same way as you

It's a tough one. I am 100% on your side. I feel terrible for your eldest. What a horrible thing your nephew has done to her.

But I can also see your youngest's side - but only in the sense that she is 12 years old and I genuinely don’t think she realises the hurt she is causing. She’s only thinking about herself - not out of malice, but because she’s at that age.

I think I would just tell her flat out that the invitation was refused and that means the bride and groom have now planned for three less guests so she can't be added back in. Bit of a lie but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Edited as i misread post and thought wedding was abroad.

Still no. 12 year old doesn't get it yet but missing the wedding is the right thing to do.

Whether or not you allow 12 year old to attend, a message has already been sent to your 15 year old that she is not family.

For me, allowing 12 year old to attend is condoning the dismissal of your 15 year old. Whereas not allowing 12 year old to attend reassures your 15 year old that her immediate family is a secure unit and you will not allow her to be dismissed.

Your 12 year old will forget about this event in future, whether she does or doesn’t attend. However, your 15 year old will definitely not forget about it. Tread carefully about the message you send.

You either all go or nobody goes. You are a family of four and I'd be explaining that if I was you to your 12 year old.
I'd be hurt that the 15 year old has been singled out as not part of the family, its just rude tbh.

And what about the long-term results of those two-outcomes?

1: DD2 realises that she wasn't allowed to have the same relationship with her family like her cousin's got because of her sister.

2: Maybe both girls will question why their father/stepfather hadn't bothered to adopt her so she could officially and legally be his daughter if he actually wanted to make her part of his family. Plenty of people don't consider stepchildren of relatives to be their relatives.

I agree with the majority.

This IS the DD15's family. She's been in this family for as long as she can remember. The man who raised her as his own is the only dad she's ever known.

Now 'her' family has turned around and told her very plainly 'We don't see you as part of this family. You're not really one of us because you're not related by blood'. Who does that to a child. And now her sister is basically adding to that by saying 'Yeah you're not a real part of this family.' I'd be really, really upset if my 12 year old was this callous and selfish and short-sighted.

1. No way in the world would any of my family go to that wedding.

2. The 12 year old would be given EXTREMELY short shrift for saying one single thing more about it, let alone kicking up any kind of fuss. Besides her questionable loyalty and priorities, she's a child and she gets NO say in this whatsoever.

Since when did 12 year olds call the shots? It ridiculous to say it's her decision. There's only 3 years between the children so presumably your DH has been there for most of your elder daughter's life. It's mean of the nephew to ignore her. DD2 just needs to suck it up and learn why it's not good behaviour on the part of the groom.

Your DH should go with his daughter. You can stay at home with your DD.

They way you talk about, and presumably to, your 12 year old is disgusting.

12 year olds aren't mature enough to understand the situation and impact on your eldest daughter.

You're doing the right thing. Your eldest IS a relative, blood or no blood, and she shouldn't be treated like this. The fact your 12 year old can't see this yet is irrelevant. You're the parent and she needs to suck this one up, on the promise she's agree when she's older.

Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

...husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So how would she go if not with her Dad? With grandparents or similar? How do they feel about that?

Why does she want to go? (in the OP, it only seems to be because she was invited over her older half sister, and she's realised that. There may be other reasons but the former are not ones to dignify as she knows it's not what any of the rest of you agree with).

Even just on practicalities, which will involve you drafting in someone else who would need to agree to be responsible for her, I wouldn't change your mind. I bet they have also thought along the lines of 'Oh, older D will be 16, she'll be fine to look after herself if not there.' It's rather crass.