12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

It's not favouritism to the 15 year old at all - it's insisting that your two children are treated equally. Only a complete cunt excluded a child who has been part of their family since she was a toddler.

Just because a 12 year old wants to do something, that doesn't mean she should. This is a decision for the parents to make, on the basis of what they consider to be in the best interests of their family unit - allowing 12 year old to 'other' her sister in this way, is something that needs keeping an eye on frankly. Somewhere along the way she's thought about, or had it put into her head by someone, that her big sister is 'only' a half sister and not really part of the wider family, despite what her dad thinks! Is there some sibling jealousy going on here OP?

It wouldn’t need to be fixed if the adults getting married had been thoughtful enough not to exclude a young girl that has been part of the family since she was two and a half .

Before this happened did your DD1 consider and call all your DHs nieces and nephews “cousins” or has there always been a distinction there? Might she also be upset at being the only cousin excluded from the wedding as well as the only one in your immediate family? You said your DD2 wants to go to the wedding and hang around with the rest of her cousins. Does DD1 have a relationship with these and consider them her cousins?

Totally agree YANBU. I wonder would the nephew feel differently if your DD1 was adopted. I have no personal experience with blended families but I have cousins who were adopted when I was in my early 20s who I consider full members of my family, and they’re not related to me by blood!

She didn't receive a stand alone invitation. She received one as the daughter of your husband. If he isn't going then she doesn't get to either.

"It can't be fixed. And definitely not by keeping her away from her family"

Her sister is her family - more than some cousin she barely knows!

It is mean and stupid not to invite your older daughter who has lived with your husband since she was little and is still only 15.

If they apologise and invite your older daughter, all of you should go. It is best to make up as soon as the opportunity arises.

If they don't, let your younger daughter go, but you and your husband should not go.

Your older daughter will be happy with your solidarity, and will soon get over her sister going.

For those saying step sister. It's her half sister! Her flesh and blood. I don't expect a 12 year old to not be selfish about it but I as a parent would tell her she isn't going and why. The nephew is bang out of order and DH brother should have stepped in and told him so. My mum would have murdered me if I'd excluded family from my wedding.

Exactly. The 12 year old should be asked if she would go if her adopted sister had not been invited. This whole nonsense about only inviting blood relatives when a child has been part of family since she was toddler is excluded is horrific and it is sad to see many pps going along with it.

Right. But they have excluded her, so that's that. The nephew is responsible for his actions, but the OP is responsible for hers. It is the OP who is preventing her daughter from going to her family's wedding.

Her sister isn't her only family, is she? She has aunts and uncles and cousins. Again, it's not her fault that her sister doesn't have a relationship with her paternal side.

The 12 yo is being incredibly selfish. A party is more important to her than being loyal to her (half) sister. Your poor older daughter must feel terrible.

The bride and groom are thinking about what they want. They aren't thinking about how their choices will make a teenager feel.

The 15 year old has a paternal relationship. You know, with the man who raised her.

I'm so surprised at some people who think it's OK to segregate children who've been part of the family since a toddler. Absolutely disgusting.

The nephew is bang out of order and DH brother should have stepped in and told him so. My mum would have murdered me if I'd excluded family from my wedding.

I’d be furious if my parents thought they could tell me who I could invite to my own wedding.

I see OP spoke to MIL who didn't seem to have known DD15 wasn't invited.
And that DH is furious with BIL.

But has DH actually spoken to BIL? The wedding is on DHs side of the family so imho he should be sorting it out.

Also, if it was DH I would try to push BIL into inviting both DDs to help maintain their relationship with the wider family.

Twelve year old needs a talk about how they are not the family decision-maker. You value her opinion and feelings, but parents make the decisions.
the end.

Her sister is her family - more than some cousin she barely knows!

But if they barely know them, why is the 15 year-old so devastated at her lack of an invitation?

I'd like to think most people wouldn't exclude one child of an uncle while inviting the other but there you go. If I did that damn right my parents would tell me I was wrong.

That’s not an excuse.

In my family a 12 yr old would not be regarded as old enough to make that sort of decision on a family matter. And being nasty to her sister about it would have got her grounded anyway.

Do they interfere in your life and decisions often?

If anyone thinks this is acceptable then society is in more of a mess than I thought.

Um yes I agree !

No. And actually they wouldn't have to with this either because I would never have done something so stupid, selfish and cruel.