12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

I always wonder with threads about step kids not being treated as "blood" relatives, what would people do if there was an adopted child? Of course they wouldn't invite only the blood relatives and make these arguments. That said, I have seen many relationships ruined because a parent is estranged from other family members and they pressure their kids to follow suit. Are you happy for her relationships to be permanently ruined over this?

He can decide that he is her father. What he can't do is decide for his family that she is their family. Unless the OP is going to come back and drip feed that he actually adopted her when she was 3yo.

It's completely shocking that one of your two daughters wasn't invited. It's beyond rude. It's cruel.
I would not go and not let your 12 year old go either. So sorry your eldest had to have this humiliation

Ir you can be an adult parent and remove the decision from the child's purview.

In my family, children do not get input into such situations.

You think causing a rift between two siblings (immediate family) is more favourable than causing a rift between cousins (extended family)?

What difference would it make if step dad adopted 15 year old? It’s not enough that she has been part of their family since she was two years old, he signs a bit of paper and all of a sudden she’s family? Behave.

I understand your reluctance and you declining the invite, and telling them why is exactly the correct thing to do, so good on you for being honest with them, it's disgusting to invite three out of the four of you, and ignore the one that's been a part of your DH's family for 14 years.

It is absolutely right that you and DH are making a protest of not going in principle, and it's important that they know the reason why, but IMO it doesn't really matter if your twelve year old goes or not, I'd say if she wants to go let her go as she will only resent the older one for this situation even though it is not her fault in the slightest, I think she's too young (and inherently a bit selfish at that age being honest) to fully grasp how hurtful this situation is for your 15 year old.. it will probably come to her in time and maturity, so you could say yes to her but try and explain and see if she comes to the right decision herself, to put her own family unit before extended family. But that has got to be her choice to make, it's not something you can force her to feel or believe, as disappointing as that is, and I can understand your frustration.

Ultimately this is a situation for the grown ups to make a stand about and the children should be free to make their own choices without having to get drawn into family politics on your behalf (or behalf of her sister).

Why not? My SIL has two older children by her previous marriage, plus two children with DB. DB treats them all as his children, so do the rest of us. When DSis got married, it never for one moment occurred to her to invite just the two youngest and leave the older two out. It would be really mean for the whole family to go leaving OP's stepdaughter behind.

I know DH blaming BiL isn't right but he does, he thinks he should have put his foot down with a 30 year old man and this man's new inlaws!

I agree with your DH. How thoughtless of them. It’s really heartless to exclude one of your kids, blood related or not. I’d have put my foot down as mother/father of the groom too and insisted to invite your whole family. I mean WTF?

If they change the invite to include your 15 year old I’d go as a family.

If they don’t change the invite I’d let my 12 year old go by herself (asking one trusted adult to look after her!). And then I’d do something nice with the 15 year old.

I think I would address the way the older girl is seen by that side of the family. Your DH has been her father almost all her life. If he accepts her as his daughter, so should the rest of the family. I'd probably decline the invitation on the grounds that, "Only one of my daughters has been invited and we can't leave the other out."

In the case that you do decide to let the 12 year old go, I'd make sure to go and do something extra special with the 15 year old, even if the 12 year old thinks it's not fair she's missing out on that.

Of course the related, invited child should be able to go. It's family wedding and they will get to see other members of the family.

There is no shortage of posts like these.
Excluding your older daughter was rude.
You are a family.
It is still the choice of the couple about who to invite and your choice to accept or decline.
When you were asked the reason why all that was required was a simple snd honest response:
We attend family events as a family. The invitation was for only three of us, so we declined.
Your husband is defending your daughter who he accepts as his. The in-laws are behaving badly as a result. Your younger daughter needs to understand family loyalty. But, she is only 12.

Do you not see that the rift is already happening? The 12-year-old sees that she is losing out on this wedding. It's not the cousin she's blaming for it. In her eyes, it is her parents stopping her from going because of her sister.

Of course adoption matters. It's a legal commitment. It's the thing that would actually make her his daughter, not just his stepdaughter. Her birth father isn't there to stop it, so why did they not make it official.

Nope I wouldn’t be going and I wouldn’t want my 12 year old going either. My uncle has a step son who he has raised since he was a toddler, no one in my family have ever treated him differently and the fact he isn’t my uncle’s biological son is never discussed. Leaving out your daughter on an invite is incredibly hurtful, if I were in this situation my loyalty would be to my daughter and I’d want to see my husband and other children show their loyalty too.

Neither is the 15 yo tho so it isn't like 15 yo is swanning off living her best life with two dads.

OP i'd speak to the 15 yo and see how she feels about sister going with other family, and i'd try and speak to DH about not blaming someone who has stuff all to di with the invitations. He can't honestly expect his brother to mis his own child's wedding on principle

It's not anyone. It's one of two siblings is not invited. Clear discrimination by extended family.

No, rift is in the sense that younger DD does not consider dd1 her sibling or else she would not say but dd1 is not related to cousin. Yes she is because she is part of the family but younger one is not able to see that. She is a kid but not that small, 12 is an age to understand concept of family - not just me.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone

From your 12 year old’s perspective - I can understand that she wants to attend a family event that she has been invited to and she wants to go. In her mind, that justifies it and she should go to the wedding. Not to be rude, but she is being very selfish here and putting her desire to attend above all else. She knows her (half) sister has not been invited but her actions suggest she doesn’t care about how her sister feels about being excluded or about how disappointed her sister would be not to attend. It’s almost like she (your 12 year old) sees her familial (biological) connection to her cousin as superior to her half-sister. It’s like she thinks that being biologically related makes her more deserving of an invite than her half-sister who is not biologically related.

Although I can see where your 12 year old is coming from, I agree with you. It sounds like your core values are inclusivity & that family bonds are made by effort and love - not purely by biological relation - e.g. the bond between your DH and your 15 year old. You four are a family unit. You, your DH, your 15 year old DD & your 12 year old DD. And by the sound of it you’ve lived together for 12/13 odd years. You four are a family - regardless of biology. So, for you to receive a family invite for only 3 of you, excluding only the child not biologically related, I can completely see why you’re upset. To me, that is completely wrong.

Your comment “I want her to not want to go” - I completely see what you are saying. It’s like you think you’ve raised your 12 year old to share your values - key values being: inclusivity & family bonds being made by effort and love (not purely biology).
And this is like a sudden slap in the face from nowhere - suddenly you have been confronted with a situation that shows your 12 year old does not have the same values as you. Her top values appear to be:

• herself
• her desire to attend the wedding
• biological family

She appears to be prioritising herself and her biological family (seeing her cousins) above her family unit of her sister, you and DH. Potentially she is lacking in empathy as to how hurt her sister is by being excluded. And how the situation makes you and DH feel.

I think this situation has given you insight into your 12 year old’s values and how much they differ from yours. I actually think the implications of this go far beyond the wedding, as her values will influence her actions throughout her life. When tensions regarding the wedding have calmed down (maybe a few months away), you might want to consider having some chats with your 12 year old about her views on what family is, how important she views being biologically related to someone, what her views are on excluding one person in a situation and why etc. This is not the kind of chat you have once and that’s it - I think it’s more of a regular discussion about values and her opinions.
Best of luck & hope that helps

Yes they are half sisters but your older DD is DH step daughter. She was referring to her DSC and said they were accepted the same as blood nephew.

I agree. Children are not in charge of these decisions. I'd decline on behalf of our whole family and arrange to go out for a nice meal somewhere and just send the bride and groom a card, no wedding gift.

Hi @Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone this is a really unkind invitation. Your eldest daughter is a part of your family and you have sole custody and she’s been In your husbands family for 13 years
the invitation to the wedding was a family invite ie. Two parents and youngest child. That’s deliberately unkind and very ostracising.
you should stand your ground with your daughter but explain the invitation was for the family but didn’t include the whole family therefore you cannot go. It is unkind to exclude family members.

if only your daughter was invited to a family event on your husbands side it would be different. I personally think that would still be very unkind but in that case the invite was not representing an invite to you as a family whereas this wedding invite is.

your daughter is 12 and they are difficult at this age- she will get over it.
i would be fuming at husbands nephew. Its so awful to isolate a child.

Not really anyones business is it? All that matters is that DH sees her as his DD and has done since she was young and from what I’ve read, so has the rest of the family. You don’t need a piece of paper.

So the 15 year old is meant to stay at home alone whilst her entire family go on to a family do? (As per the original invite). Give your head a wobble.

I would let the 12 year old go, but plan something super fun with the 15 year old for that day for the 3 of you. Am sure she will soon change her mind after feeling left out.

The groom will look back on this and cringe once he has his own family.

I think it is shocking that they left your older daughter off the guest list. Imagine how that would make any mother feel. Your husband has your back which is great and I would not have my youngest going if the oldest sister left out. Find it shocking that some people are saying that your eldest is not blood relative, she is your family and you all should have been invited or else just you and your husband but you do not leave a child out as just not right at all and would make anyone feel like crap. Your 12 year old is not old enough to make that decision. Really the children should not have been told of the situation at all to save eldest daughter how she must be feeling and for the 12 year old now insisting she wants to go.

For what it's worth while I wouldn't ban the 12 year old if it's logistically possible for her to go I do think they've acted badly. Unless there are dozens of step-cousins it's very petty to invite three quarters of a family unit like that.

Non I don't think that she should go. It's rude that they invite all if you bar one. She is a child, she doesn't understand that family should stick together.

but only the younger one is related. The older one has relatives that the younger one is not related to