12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

This wouldn’t be a “quiet word” though about someone’s aunt Mildred. It would be a “are you fucking serious? Inviting one child when they have two?! You’ve known sally since she was 2 and DU is her father what the fuck is the matter with you”

I'd also be having a chat about your 12 year olds attitude. Fine to want to go. Not fine to be sarcastic and rude.

Yes, I would be disappointed in my 12 year old too if they behaved like this. In your shoes, I would continue to work on her empathy.

Good on your dh.

You could always book a holiday...

and somebody else will think their aunt mildred has been wronged worse.

I’ve not read the full thread, but I think that the 12 yr old DD is being very thoughtless about her step sister. She has known her for all her life, not 5 minutes! And I think that not inviting your DSD to the wedding is equally thoughtless.

I would let the 12 year old go. You can’t control how other members of the family see the 15 year old but it seems wrong to make the 12 year old miss out on family occasions to prove a point.

Both the children are in the middle of this mess- you should aim to keep them both happy. You and your husband not going to the wedding is a show of solidarity for your eldest and makes your point to the family. But these events knit families together and I wouldn’t be excluding the youngest if she wants to go.

No way! It's all or none

This all day long. Your 12 yo doesn’t understand today. But ultimately she will one day.

I think you are expecting quite a lot of your 12 year old. It’s totally normal that she doesn’t want to miss out on fun family event. She must feel like she is being punished! To a 12 year old it’s going to seem unfair, especially as it’s totally possible for her to go, while you and your husband stay at home. I think it’s right that you and your DH don’t go. But your 12 year old should be allowed to decide for herself. You may want her to make a stand for her sister, but she’s got a 12 year olds sense of logic and she wants to go! That doesn’t make her selfish or unkind. It just makes her 12.

Surely the 12 yo is her half sister. Not stepsister.

This.

The 15 year old has never known any alternative father or family set up. She was 2.5 when DH came in to her life.

DH is her Dad - now his family (maybe unintentionally) are tearing her feeling of belonging to this family apart.

15 year old will probably never have considered that she is ‘only a half’ and not really proper family before.

This has never been an issue before - but her view of her position and relationship with DH can not help but be questioned in her mind now as a consequence of his families actions and views.

I actually think if 12 year old goes, the extended family will ask why and probably be rather shocked that Bride and Groom would single out and exclude one member of a family - who is after all a blood sibling of the child invited.

Very poor behaviour from Bride and Groom.

No, she'd not be attending.

You and your husband are coming across pretty terribly here, frankly. It’s not good enough to say “You’re 12 and I’ve said you’re not going” - you want her to not want to go. Your husband “won’t forgive” his brother for the lack of an invitation, even though it’s his nephew actually issuing them. You won’t even consider the compromise of your younger daughter attending with her grandparents.

You apparently want your daughter to “support your family” and say that you I “totally blame her for not standing by us as a family” - a bizarre attitude towards a 12 year-old. But even if you have a right to be upset that your older daughter wasn’t invited - and personally, in the groom’s shoes, I’d have invited both or neither - you are clearly putting any potential upset on your elder daughter’s behalf ahead of the clear upset on your younger daughter’s behalf at being told she cannot go. Can you really not see how that looks like obvious favouritism? If I were your younger daughter, I’d never forget this.

Why can’t the OP be “kind and sensitive” towards her younger daughter?

It's completely unacceptable not to invite one member of your family. I would tell your 12 year old that you are the adults and the decision for your family not to go has been made. She's 12, your her parents and she doesn't get to overrule you. End of story.

Absolutely agree with @StockpotSoup so much vindictive shitty thinking towards a 12yo! @Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone are you going to have continuity in your decision making and never do anything unless you do it as a family unit? So no fun things with the 15yo, she can't do anything unless her younger sister does too? Or does your belief only go one way? To use a mn-ism? Do you like the 12yo much?

Your DH sounds lovely well done him for being annoyed that his elder ( step) daughter wasn’t invited and to refuse to go.

Totally unacceptable to exclude one member of the family and for said invitation to be turned down.
It's slightly different but I have 3 adopted cousins (different parts of the family) and the 2 I was in close contact with - despite an age gap came to my wedding - never considered them as anything other than my cousins and would never exclude them from any family events.....

It's the usual story. A mother overcompensating for one child having no paternal relationship at the expense of the younger child who does. Your older daughter's lack of birth father is not the fault of your younger daughter, nor is it her responsibility to fix. It can't be fixed. And definitely not by keeping her away from her family.

This!

Makes perfect sense.

It's bollocks this 'well that's what you get with step families...' stuff. Your 15yo has been part of this family since she was 2.5 or at the very oldest 4, depending what you count as 'official'. Your husband has brought her up. Maybe if you and he had got together when she was an adult and didn't know this cousin from adam it would be OK not to send an invitation? But this is not that scenario; it is cold in the extreme to exclude just one child of a family.

It seems that your 12yo's desire to enjoy the wedding means she hasn't grasped how awful it feels for her sister to be excluded from it. She's only 12. But I think there is a principle here: she and her sister are a package deal. That is how families work. I think it's fair to say she shouldn't go, given that doing so would send the message that it's fine to exclude one sister. It seems a bizarre choice on the part of the cousin.

what principles? the principles of taking offense that not everyone can be invited to a wedding?

True, not everyone can be invited to a wedding, but most decent people wouldn't make the cut-off point part-way through a family. Especially leaving out just one person. Especially when it's a child.

Exactly. It's going to make it worse. Just accept the relationships for what they are

This is not about doing things with the children as individuals it is about someone being excluded from a family event . It’s no different to the OPs MIL inviting the family to Christmas but saying the 15 yo isn’t invited . It is just unacceptable, particularly as this 15 yo does not have another family on her bio dad’s side which would change things a bit .

I can't understand how anyone thinks this is OK. You come as a family. I assume you've been together since your oldest was 3 at the most. How mean of his family to not include her. You come as a family unit. How can they exclude one child from the wedding? She's 15.... Still a child. I'd be fuming and very upset too. Nasty is what it is. If my family was invited to a wedding, unless it was no children I'd expect us all to be invited regardless of whether the bride and groom had even met my children before. People go with a plus one that the bride and groom may not know. Disgusting it really is. I'd certainly not have my 12 year old go. It's all of us or none of us.