12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

It's never too late to say I've slept on it and changed my mind.

In 4 years she'll be old enough to vote and do all sorts. No need for this level of control.

I was going to say this too. They are half siblings. In my view that means the same as biological full siblings. Op your 12 year old is a child she will have to get over it. You are the adults and you get to make the decisions. Your dhs family sound like knobs.

Sorry but this is just weird.
You don’t get invited to your nephews wedding and say ‘sorry me and my wife won’t be there, but we’ll send 12 year old daughter with another relative.. thanks!

And currently voting is 18

You can’t make her agree with you. She’s 12, and she’s forming opinions that aren’t going to perfectly match yours. She may change her mind as she ages, but equally she may not.

Her opinion don’t have to match yours - she’s a person in her own right, and she’s right that her sister isn’t family to the bride and groom. As far as damaging relationships goes, that goes both ways. There’s been at least one recent thread on here where an OP’s family has been badly fractured by her denying her younger children access to their own family because of this exact thing.

@T1Dmama the situation is already weird.

We aren't coming because eldest isn't invited. Youngest wants to join with grandparents.

Simple

I feel like your own experience is skewing how you view this.

@Thulpelly just like it's skewing everyone who's in a blended family and insists on equality for all when sometimes it just doesn't work that way.

I would say this demonstrates that people don’t in fact ‘just get over it’ in the way you would like them to, and in fact what it teaches them is the exact opposite of what you intended to.

That would be a situation that was entirely different.

They didn’t give a reason, just declined.
you can’t turn down an invite and just send your kids.

@T1Dmama in later posts op updates that they did. The grooms mother was going to speak to him and didn't ever update.

It still doesn’t change the fact that adults turning down an invitation to any event can’t then say ‘but child will come without us!’

If your husband has accepted the girl as his, surely it’s not up to other family to say otherwise. What next? Exclude adopted children too. Cannot believe how many on here don’t get basic decency.

I think I'd try and find (or get DH to find) a relative that is going and is prepared to take care of 12 y/o for the day/evening.
I wouldn't let her go without a specific relative being responsible for her.

Or DH takes her and you have a nice day out with the 15 y/o.

Fuck that! My 12 year old would not be going and I'd be telling her that loyalty to her sister is more important than going to the party of someone who can be so mean and petty!
It's never okay to exclude a child and invite the rest of her family. Y

I wouldn't allow her to go. In our family, we come as a package, so if one of us was left out, either we would all go - or none of us.

Posted too soon - your 12 year old needs reminding that as far as her dad is concerned, he is father to them both and it's really not on for her to make this distinction between herself and her sister, especially for something as trivial as the wedding of someone she barely knows. Is that really worth hurting her sister over?

Exactly.

And really is older nephew really bothered if a 12 year old cousin comes or not. Surely he is mostly inviting his uncle and wife? Not the cousin.

"don't want her to go and more importantly I want her to not want to go. Does that make sense?"

As an adult yes but at 12 all she will see is the unfairness. It isn't fair on her nor her half sister that doesn't invalidate her feelings.

This, interesting how op and so many posters advocating the 12 yo needs to 'just get over it' but apparently the 15yo can't?
And all the pathetic snidey emotional blackmail.. "ha ha WE'RE off to do this"?! Wtf!!

So 12 year old goes to wedding and no one else in the family is allowed to do something nice encase that’s seen as blackmail? Sod that…. I’d book a pamper day and take the 15 year old… or take her to see a 15 movie since 12 year old is too young for that anyway!

I think taking the 15 year old to do something nice and having some one on one time is good but that should be something that you might go and do with one child normally- lunch out/shopping trip/ something just of interest to her and not the best ever once a year family day out at a theme park

your suggestions are good appropriate ones, it’s some other posters that seem to want the 12 year old suffer and feel left out

Oh yes agree. But also think 12 year old is very much a child and doesn’t make a decision against her parents wishes anyway. I’d book the theme park as an alternative to the wedding and take both girls

Weddings are literally about threading together random
people who are not “blood” and making them family.

honestly. Where does it end? She can’t come to the wedding - is she invited to their christening? Christmas? Is she always going to be “othered” despite having been around in the family for longer than the “blood” relation ?!