12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

I would ask the 12yr old how would she feel if you your husband & older sister got invited to somthing but she was left out. How would she feel? I was a step daughter & was involved in all of my dad’s brothers weddings. Except one who was already married but they did fall out didn’t speak for nearly 30 yrs only spoke in the last couple of years of his life. Shame on his brothers family. well done dad & mom.x

I'm really surprised that a 12yr old wants to go to a cousin's wedding. I had to be more or less dragged along to both my cousins weddings when I was around that age.

Does she think it's going to be like a magical Cinderella type party?

I'd probably let her go and see how tedious it is for herself.

By your 12 yo s reckoning then only her and her dad should be going as they are the only people related by blood to the groom . Tell your 12 yo that as this is how she feels families should work that in future you will be having nothing to do with any one in her dads family so no birthdays , no Christmas and no visiting and see what her answer is to that one .

I think your 12-year-old is at an age now where she's realising that she is being treated differently due to her sister having a different father. But she won't have the maturity yet to understand why. So, by not letting her go, you run the risk of damaging her relationship with her sister because she's going to blame her for this. Your 15-year-old is more likely to understand though.

Totally agree with this, by the 12 year olds logic the OP shouldn't be invited either because she's not actually the grooms auntie by blood

I actually think you, in this case.

‘Grandma and grandpa’ should be standing up for the older child.

OP I think your right, if this was me I would explain to my youngest how family should always stick together and take into account each others feelings.. I would say ass an alternative that you all book a fun couple of days as a family somewhere and offer to invite the cousins round at a later date? Offer them round for tea or something.

i was in a very similar position with my SIL.. she was getting married and we were all thrilled for her.. then she dropped the bombshell that she would only “allow” two of the children to be invited.. her exact words to me were “pick your two favourites”🤔 actually not a joke either.. me and DH decided to ask my mum to babysit and made the choice that none of the children attend due to all of them not being wanted there (we have 5 children between us, if it was due to numbers fair enough but a lot of her friends had larger families and happily invited all there kids in tow.. these were her nieces and nephews).. so yes DH was of the opinion that none of us should go.. however I knew this was his sister and didn’t want him to regret not going so arranged childcare so we could attend, safe to say I regret doing so!

arrange a lovely day for both girls! Bonding time and a chance to open up to each other! Explain to them say together about family and the meaning.. that blood doesn’t matter! And that they should know when to stick up for each other.. for the youngest if she is genuinely that excited to see her counsins I’d then explain to her that she can happily have them round whenever she would like to.. and leave it there! Ask them both what they’d like to do and book it.

lifes to short and this is an important life lesson x

Hard disagree here. You invite the adults or the whole family unit, not bits of it. It’s monumentally rude.

I'm really surprised that a 12yr old wants to go to a cousin's wedding. I had to be more or less dragged along to both my cousins weddings when I was around that age.

Equally as surprised that a 15yo is devastated not to be invited as she ‘loves weddings’

So if they adopted a child, it wouldn't be 'family'?

Bravo for the weirdest reply of the day

OP has clearly said that she's devastated not to be invited

Are you being obtuse or just argumentative?

Of course not everyone can be invited to a wedding, but a family of two adults and two children. One child not invited?

Not quite the same as “Sorry Paul but the lad you went to school with can’t come.” Or an entire distant side not being invited.

Is the older child expected to sit at home with a Dominos whilst her mum, dad and sister go off to a wedding. How can anybody think that is acceptable (I know they’re not, but it was intention)

Out of interest, I wonder if this ‘family’ anticipate being invited to the older daughter’s wedding one day down the line?

Why on earth is this relevant? He HAS been her Dad since she was 2

I agree, I was just about to suggest something similar.

For everyone preaching about "this is why blended families don't work" - I don't think this is a case of a problem with a blended family really. OP's set-up and challenges are much more similar to a family with an adopted first child, and then a biological child. With blended families the problems arise from having to co-parent, having children for part of the week, different rules in different houses, the new partner not wanting to be a "parent" to the child etc.

None of that applies here. The elder DD doesn't have contact with her biological family. The dad may not have biologically created her, but he's raised her as his own since she was 2 years old. OP says that they consider themselves a family. It's as if the dad has adopted the DD - just without the piece of court paper.

For everyone saying that the younger DD should be allowed to go - would your answer change if the older DD was an adopted child? Would you still think the younger DD should go and not the adopted DD because of a blood tie and not an adopted one? Genuine question. For me, this doesn't look or feel like a blended family - it feels much more like the dad has "adopted" a child. He IS her family.

Tweens can be very selfish. Part of the joys of growing up! She's probably not mature yet enough to realise how hurtful she's being. Despite all that, I'd feel the same as you OP and I'd be a bit gutted secretly that she wasn't more loyal to her sister.

I would arrange an absolutely AMAZING day with loads of rare treats (that you can afford by not having to attend the wedding!). See if DD still wants to go to the wedding, or whether she'd rather have a truly awesome day with her family instead. If DD wants to go to the wedding, I'd reluctantly let her but be very disappointed - and I'd tell her. But I'd also make sure that elder DD has a very special day with you and DP and that she doesn't feel as if she's missing out on anything. I would be very, very disappointed with the younger DD though.

Can't believe the number of people advocating emotional blackmail. Fucking ridiculous.

You're going to push your youngest into resenting you. She will not forget.

Out of interest, I wonder if this ‘family’ anticipate being invited to the older daughter’s wedding one day down the line?
Exactly this! I bet when the 15 year old get married she’d be expected to invite all these apparent ‘non’ relatives… on the bright side she can now tell them all that since they never considered her ‘real’ family they’re not welcome… bet that would go down like a lead balloon!

Doubt it, they don’t seem like they’d be bothered at all, tbh.

Instead of declining the invitation, your DH should have contacted his nephew when it arrived and said 'I think you've forgotten to put one of my kids on the invite'. This would have saved getting everyone else involved.

😂😂😂😂 I’ve three girls - it will all just be drama to her at the moment. She’s not really arsed about a 30 year old man getting married. It’s a party to her and the added drama is bonus. Honestly the little dear will get past it… it won’t ruin her life! 😁

I reckon the grandparents would be! And would expect the uncles and aunts to be invited..

It's not about it ruining her life. It's about taking her choices away because of her sibling.

Having 3 children doesn't make you an expert @Cacaoaddict
I'm closer to 40 than I'd like to admit and I remain hurt by some of the decisions my mother pushed me into /made for me at age 11/12/13. It won't be long till she's old enough to challenge OP.

Rather than wait for hindsight and claim you thought you were making the right decision, let her make her choice and then respect it. Stop with all the emotional blackmail bollocks. If this was another scenario there'd be loads on here saying you're being emotionally abusive.

At 12 she doesn’t get a choice. Regardless of the reason, if her parents decline an invite to something the children naturally don’t go either.

Also when I got married some of my younger cousins weren't allowed to come because their dad decided to be a dickhead.

They're both adults now- one with a child of her own and they are still pissed about it.

I think you are expecting a lot of emotional maturity from a 12 year old! She could have gone with other family members and it wouldn’t have been such a terrible thing. It’s more important that you and DH are supporting DD1 by not going.

That being said it’s too late now you have already said no she’s not going, you can’t let a 12 year old dictate to you what she does and doesn’t do so you will have to ride it out.