Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life.

It might also be her best life?

I think she needs to make sure to not be so isolated that she can't get to baby/toddler groups, find & babysitter for hobbies/go out with others.

Oh give over, she's an adult.
If that's what she wants to do then what's wrong with that?!

Reading your update Op it doesn't sound like you trust your daughter to be a grown up and able to look after herself and the baby. She will learn like we all had to learn to be mothers if she needs you or help she will ask.

I believe it’s wrong for society as a whole. Read my other posts. Individuals of course can do as they please.

i get that you’re worried. But he sounds like he loves her and 24 is young. If she decides she wants to become a doctor at the age of 35, there’s time for her to do it!

In a way, this sounds like a better way to spend your twenties than falling out of pubs at closing and on to an afters which is what everyone I know did. We all only started ‘real lives’ in our thirties and nobody’s worse off for it.

Just keep being her mum and if she sounds lonely get her down to stay with you or take the kids so she can go for a night out with friends maybe.

Society as a whole is now broken beyond repair, but not because some women want to be staying at home mothers. We should by rights be starting again and kicking out the ones responsible, but that's also not a thing that gets discussed on MN.

That isn’t happening in this case? And marrying a rich guy very young often means you’ve had no chance to develop any skills or aspirations of your own. Check the relationships board which is full of trapped SAHMs who are desperate to leave wealthy men but can’t due to lack of money/career/earning potential/suitable property/confidence/self esteem. Independence, or wage slavery as you call it, creates options.

I hate it too. Marriage is a very important piece of legal insurance for someone in this situation and obviously it’s a good thing she has this protection.

But the idea that it’s some sort of talisman that wards off unhappiness or any relationship issue or financial challenge is misguided. Its possible to be married and still be trapped or married and abused in a variety of ways or married and just very unhappy.

From the OP’s most recent post the guy does sound decent and principled and as if he will do his best by her (from his own perspective at least), which would reassure me.

But it still is at heart a very unbalanced and unequal relationship.

So you don't think your daughter loves him, just what she can get from him? In which case perhaps she's thrilled he'll be away half the week and she'll be able to live her best SAHM life

So women aren't allowed a choice as they should live how you tell them ? Do you think every other women is an idiot ?

@Getonwitit "Do you think every other women is an idiot ?"

Of course I do, that's exactly what he think......🤔

If my still quite young dd was about to make choices that had the potential for significant downsides, I would want to do everything I could to make sure she had considered them carefully, and taken steps to protect herself and her children.

Exactly. She's a 25 year old, university graduate, teacher who is married with a child on the way. But this decision she can't possibly have made for herself or have thought through.

Re: her being lonely. Having a baby can provide lots of opportunities for developing a new social circle. It’s arguably one of the best times in life for moving to a new area. At 25 I imagine her existing friends are probably not also yet at the stage of having babies(?) so those friendships would likely change anyway. I honestly don’t think this will necessarily be a terrible situation from a loneliness perspective. It could work out very well for her.

True equality would be both parents considering the choice and it not seen as a choice that only women make once they become parents. We need to be asking men when they become fathers ''Are you going back to work?'', ''How much time are you having off?'' etc which mothers are usually asked during maternity leave.

We also need to offer men more than just 2 weeks off with their new baby.

I really disagree with this. She is not moving to a City with lots of baby classes but to a rural area. This may mean she has to drive a fair distance to go to any groups. Not always easy with a new baby and no support.

Agreed, I'll admit that one didn't occur to me because that's a conversation DH and I had between us anyway, and we both (now, DH didn't at the time) work for companies with "parental leave" as opposed to "maternity leave", meaning either of us could take a significant amount of time off if we had another.

It is Surrey not Sutherland. Rural in Surry means there is another village within 2 miles and London within the hour on the train. More than half a million people live in the county. That is not rural.

DH and I work for the same company and we both keep pushing for parental leave rather than the current policies. They have changed their paternity leave policy and he's now able to be off for 6 weeks this time as opposed to 4 weeks when our son was born. Small victories.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos "But this decision she can't possibly have made for herself or have thought through."

She could have done. But if she was my dd I would want to be very sure she had considered all the possible consequences. The down as well as the upsides. Because there are plenty of, I presume, older women on here who don't seem to have.

She’s moving to the Home Counties not the Isle of Skye. Have you actually been to Surrey, Bucks or Berks? They’re packed with affluent people with young families, they’re so built up the concept of rural left them long ago.

I’d be more than happy to swap with her!! 🙈

Well done! When my DD was born, DH worked somewhere that offered 2 weeks at stat pay only, so we'd have lost a significant chunk of money if he'd taken it. Instead he saved all his AL and booked it in around her due date, then moved it when she came. Because dad's actually do want to be there when their child is tiny.

Shouldn't have had to come to that, but he did what was necessary to have that time with us.

I was 23 when I moved, with a job for 6months time, 4 hours from my family. My mum asked me if I was sure and whether I had thought about "all possibilities". I said yes, because I had, but that one question made me double check myself.

Because I'm intelligent and sensible, much like OP has described her DD, and have been raised to think about the big picture, no further conversation was had. Because I was an adult, who had at that point put myself through university, graduated with a good level in a good subject, held down a job and kept a long distance relationship going. I had also clearly thought through my plan, having gotten a place to live, registered with several temp agencies and sorted a graduate position for 6 months time.

If it had gone tits up, I'd have gone home. Reluctantly, but with confidence I'd have been welcomed back with no judgement. But I'd have had less confidence if, having made my plan, thought it through and told my mum, she had then questioned everything. I'd have felt like she didn't trust I knew what I was doing and doubted my ability to build the life right for me.

OP needs to be careful not to question too much and shake her daughter's belief that her mother thinks she's an adult capable of deciding for herself. Because it could push her away.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos Exactly. You were following a carefully thought out plan, and making sure you were independent and supporting yourself. You weren't handing your independence completely over to a much older man, who was going to leave you solo parenting children for half the week......

I was moving 4 hours from my family to live with a man almost 10 years older than me who, at the time of making the decision, worked another 400 miles away in the other direction and so would be away the whole week.

We did not have children and he did not plan on that being his full time job but that's the reality. He was made redundant a month before I moved and so was working in the local area when I did move, but wasn't when we made the plan. I also had no work lined up for the first six months, and was hoping for enough temp work.

I was sure it was going to work out (and so far, it has, many many years down the line). But to anyone not completely sure that this was the start of our life together, it was a bit scary to think about.