Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

Understandable that you feel concerned but she's made her choice .

Most woman don't go for a man 20 years older than them unless there's a positive for them, and clearly that comes down to a moneyed lifestyle that he can offer.

I would be so disappointed if my daughter did this. Yet another woman lost to the workforce and the gender pay gap continues. How depressing. You can do nothing other than support her of course. She is so young though. What a shame.

How is it a shame if it's what she wants?

Would you say "another man lost to the workforce" if the roles were reversed?

I absolutely agree; he has wealth and she has youthfulness and attractiveness. Both have the pick of partners so choose each other; it works. It was ever thus.

Doesn’t mean it’s wrong/can’t work/ they don’t love each other.

No. Because as a rule men don’t get lost to the workforce when they start procreating. I would welcome more sahds until we achieve true equality.

But it's still what she wants. Why is no one interested in that?

As women we can't win. Work FT and you're not there for the children. Stay at home and you're lost to the workforce, doing the wrong thing for feminism. Work PT and you're failing both your employer and your children by not giving either 100% of your time and attention.

People say we can have it all, but when we make decisions for ourselves they are judged and questioned.

This is the Carrie Johnson relationship model isn’t it?

It wouldn’t be my choice, but if she just wants a big house, kids, passive income and lots of free time, unburdened by her husband’s company, it will be good while it lasts.

I think individuals can do what they want. And it’s certainly not something I discuss with my lovely sahm friends.

But as a society I think it’s important we look at why these unequal dynamics exist, why we have a gender pay gap and what we can do to close it. A view that is rarely supported on MN.

But raising a family rurally is so much nicer and less stressful than a big city, especially London. Sounds okay to me as long as he dies his fair share of childcare and house work when he's home, plus they could obviously afford a nanny if needed

It's her choice . But I would feel that I was failing as a parent not to at least try to point out to my dd the downsides of a choice like this.

Good for her, she is married and will be set up for life even if they spit 10-20 years down the line.

If I was prettier in my 20s, I would have done the same.

Has he been married before? I don't think you get much on splitting if it has been a short marriage.

Maybe because we're made to feel shame regardless of our choice, and so we don't fight for what we're worth when we do work.

I also think that true feminism is that we are able to choose what we do, without judgement, in the same way men do. Being able to earn our money, and jobs, and respect. Not the "token" feminism of putting women in 50% of top jobs by X date. Because in that scenario, if I'm promoted over a man with similar experience, is that only because I'm a woman? Not because I deserve that role?

Theres many reasons the gaps still exist. Some are because not all women want to work, some do genuinely want to be mothers and with their children. Some of the reasons are because the feminist "cause" has gone too far the other way and instead of demanding equal opportunity the uber feminists are demanding equality on the most literal sense (i.e. exactly the same amount of men Vs women in roles). But if the women promoted into those roles don't actually deserve them, that sets us back again.

I'm not going into it anymore because it'll derail this thread, but letting women choose their own lives without judgement of those choices is the first step to achieving true equality.

I share your concerns, OP.

Please encourage her to make sure she has a good pension.

Although PP's are right that it is none of your business, I think it is fine to ask her some questions. For example.... how does she plan to manage being on her own so much with a new baby and in a new area.

By moving is she going to be further away from friends and family? Is there any chance her husband wants to cut her off from her support network?

ExDP is 20 years older than me and within weeks of DC1 being born, he started in domestic abuse (coercive control not physical violence).

The whole thing does not make any sense because as you say, they could afford a big place in London and stay together as a family. It really does sound like your DD's husband is up to no good. And I know you say he seems lovely - exDP is kind and generous to most people, including my mum, but he abused me .

I’m 28 and my partner is 41, we met when I was 19 and he was 33. We have two children (currently 17 weeks pregnant with the third too although it’s a touchy subject right now) and my partner works in London Mon-Fri and our house is in Yorkshire which is a 4/5h car journey or 3h train.
It sounds like your daughter is quite sure of what she wants and sounds like a strong woman, and no matter what you won’t be able to talk her out of it - she will do whatever she wants. My partner works in finance too, and although he earns a decent salary it won’t be nearly as much as what your DD’s husband sounds like he earns - I’m sure he will be able to provide her a comfortable life, but only she will find out if this comes at a cost.
I will say that when I was 19, I was promised many things that haven’t come to fruition, and the relationship is rocky at times. We have an immense amount of love for each other but naturally it does feel unequal due to the age gap, the distance, the children, him earning the money and me not (although we are not married so this might play a factor too) However this is the life I have chosen for myself and I cant have regrets, only your daughter can figure this out and I’m sure she will, just be there to support her and try not to pass judgement because this will only cause her to drift from you.

Yep.

I would feel the same if my kids had babies very young. I would feel a sense of failure in my parenting if they did this too.

My kids are at uni now and already know they don’t want to ever depend on a partner for their money (if they remain in good health of course)

24 is so young to give up working.

And we need to look at why 40y women are not marrying 24y men who then give up work. The power imbalance is strong.

Have you met 24 year old men? I didn't want to marry one when I was 24 never mind later.

exactly the same amount of men Vs women in roles). But if the women promoted into those roles don't actually deserve them, that sets us back again.

Why should we not naturally have as many women as men in most roles (other than the caring industry)? Why is there an imbalance?

letting women choose their own lives without judgement of those choices is the first step to achieving true equality.

But choices are not made in a vacuum. They are a function of the society, values and expectations we live under. If we do nothing and just accept the status quo without question, then things will never change.

I am always surprised at how ‘unfeminist’ most of MN is.

So why are old men marrying 24y women?

ETA I met my husband when he was 24 and I was 23. We got on brilliantly. We are still together 30y later. Both working. Equal relationship. No regrets.

@pistonsaremachines well no , she'll get her husband's wealth surely?

I don't know what wealth he has.

And this all assumes she can manage him on her own until his demise and he is safe to be left alone while she goes say, shopping.

Eventually she may need extra night-time care at £28.00 ph, or there will be care home fees at £1000+ per week when they can no longer manage him at home.

• Annual average residential care home fees: around £51,000
• Annual average nursing care costs: around £62,000

This all soon eats into the 'pot'.

We should naturally have them. But setting the target of a certain number by a certain time means those that are put in to hit the quota are unqualified and not ready for the role.

I've worked for several of these and they let women down massively.

I agree it's entirely her choice but rural Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey isn't exactly the north of Scotland so I don't understand his need for a flat in London for three days a week.

We live in a rural area in the Home Counties but I can get into London in just over an hour by train and I used to every single day before DS came along. Unless he works very long hours I can't understand why he can't do a commute.

OP was vague about his job but finance includes IB, which have notoriously long days that can get to 100+ hr/week.

To answer a few questions.

I don’t think he is sleazy in anyway, he’s never been married before and having had long chats with him it’s clear he devoted himself to his work and let life pass him by, he didn’t really have any long term relationships.
They met at a tennis club, DD had just turned 20, he was almost 40, they were paired up for mixed doubles at the club tournament and well that was that.
DD is extremely clever, however she is much happier pursuing things as they interest her, she was never one to really have a career in mind (she studied classics and English).
I think DD is with him as he treats her like she’s a princess! I truly believe he does love her and he has dedicated his life to her since they met which is why I’ve bit my tongue and been supportive!
DD grew up outside of London, I lived in a town but her dad had a lovely cottage in a village, I think DD is hoping to recreate that.

He is chief investment officer for a private bank, he is in office for not much past 7 most days and won’t leave until 6, often it will be followed by a meal with sales rep from a fund house or similar.

My concerns are with DD being alone, I don’t live near any of the places she wants to live, nor does her dad or sister. She is certain it will be an hour on the train to London if she wants to go meet friends for lunch - I don’t think she yet understands how time consuming babies and children are! She can drive though which I know will help!

And why can't a "concerned" mother just be an over bearing one who is jealous her daughter is making a better life for herself?