Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

Advise her to have her own pension.

I think it sounds great on the whole! I assume they can afford a nanny/help with the kids. That will give her time to get involved in local life and make some friends so she doesn’t get lonely. The bit I wouldn’t like is not seeing my husband for four days a week and having to do all childcare. But it sounds like she’s agreed to make this compromise in order to have a large income and lovely house in the countryside. Presumably she can also stay in London occasionally too. The age gap would have worried me too but it sounds like he’s a good man, she’s happy and this is what she wants

I hate the trope that marriage is some magical legal protection, many of my friends and acquaintances have either been fucked over in a divorce or trapped in unhappy marriages due to finances. Yes, it affords you some protection but being financially independent is the only way to fully protect yourself.

OP I agree, I would be worried too but there is nothing you can actually do or say other than perhaps suggests she has an exit fund or keeps her part time work hours.

If he’s in Corporate Finance those three days in London won’t be ‘living his best life’: they’ll be working at least 12 hours per day.

It wouldn’t suit me but if they want a big house in the country it has to be funded somehow, and staying near work in London would be better than a long commute and getting up at a ridiculous hour in the morning.

I would not describe it as an unequal relationship, but I share your concerns about this. Being in a rural area with small children and later on being 'mummy taxi' for them.

I mean, it is an unequal relationship. She's the one moving out to the countryside to attempt to build a new friend/ support network, leaving her job to be entirely dependent on him. For her sake let's hope he isn't the sort to throw that in her face.

I agree with others though, it's not a bad setup. I'd personally opt to stay in my career part time, just to break things up a bit. I was a SAHM for several years and it wasn't really great for my mental health. We're all different, though.

How much getting involved in local life can you do with a baby where you know no one and are alone most of the time?

Does she have a nanny/house help? It's a lot to basically be a single mum for most of the week. Would she have friends nearby?

Is her name on the deeds? Just because you are married, doesn’t mean you get half.

God this is full of the worst SAHM tropes:
bad example; bored; lonely; controlled; DH who will cheat.

many women love working - I’m one of them and fortunate enough i) not to have to and ii) to pick and choose what suits - however I absolutely 100% could fill my day wonderfully with other activities and be happy. It’s pretty unimaginative to suggest its not possible.

She will be living a life that many live. What is so wrong with being a stay at home mum and why the hell do you think you should talk her out of being at home with her children, she is isn't ruining her life. ? Maybe you worked and she was in childcare and hated it and is determined she won't be doing that to her children.
You need to just enjoy your Grandchildren and stop thinking your way is the only way.

i would have thought that would make it easier than someone childless? Lots of groups to join, excuses to reach out etc etc. also lots of conversations started over a cute baby!

It really is not a lot to be looking after children 3 nights a week.

I couldn't enjoy a life like that so I understand your concerns, but to each their own. I don't think there's anything you can do about this

There's a difference between being a stay-at-home mum whose husband works and being a stay-at-home mum whose husband isn't even at home three nights a week.

What's his relationship with his children going to end up like?

She was in an unequal relationship the moment she married a man more than old enough to be her father.

Ultimately there is nothing you do. Many women would love to be married to a rich man and not have to work. Equally I’m sure most rich men are happy to have a woman young enough to be their daughter on their arm. The two sort of go hand in hand. Leave them to it.

Who says it’s unequal? She’s young and fertile; women his age are not. And maybe they actually love each other.

Honestly, I think some older women just get narked when they see someone their age choose someone much younger.

Each to their own. If they’re happy, can’t see what business it is if anyone else’s.

I can’t really see how missing a few days a week means he can’t have a good relationship with his children? Just a bit hyperbolic really. He’s around all weekend and Friday/monday.

if anything I think it could be beneficial because you’d have the space to really focus on the job when your family aren’t there and work late etc so you can be fully present at home.

Actually, this is very common when one partner has a high-paid job in the south east in finance/law/the city etc.

Relationships with children are just fine; children attend lovely schools, go on nice holidays and see the working parent at the weekends, which is no more than they would see if they lived together, due to the hours of the jobs involved.

Sometimes I think in Mumsnetland feminism never happened.

@andthatsaswan I would be trying to have conversations with your dd about her future. When the babies are grown up, or if they never happen. What if she changes her mind. What about her pension? What if at some point she wants a different sort of life?

In 20 years time, he will still be rich. But she won't be young any more.

Tbh, the fact that he dated a 20yr old when he was 40+ makes me think that she might start to seem too old for him a lot sooner than that.

All that water would worry me with little ones.

Well, this is what all the older women want to believe will always happen.

Let’s be realistic. Would the average 25 year old marry a 45 year old if the 45 year old was wasn’t well off? No. There is nothing wrong with it, but don’t pretend that having money doesn’t make an older man much more attractive. Would a 45 year old man working in an average job living in a rental somewhere have the same pulling power with someone half his age? Probably not.

Honestly I don't think it seems like a bad choice. Lots of people would prefer to raise kids outside of big cities.
I'd encourage her to join local group eg toddler etc to make friends where she is living to avoid being lonely
I know you will miss her but lots of people live like this very successfully