To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

I think lines like "thank you for not losing us" between a couple only becomes 🤮 when it gets shared outside of the relationship.

The OP evidently has significant mental health illnesses. I'd say she's significant concerns about her body and her relationship, which she feels in extreme.

So a few days ago the OP dressed herself up to make herself feel attractive, had then sex (confirmation she's attractive!!) and then he's said the above to her afterwards. So much posiitve confirmation in one go creates an extreme high where she fully believe she's in the best relationship ever. Then with a need to get lots more confirmation of this feeling she posts about it on MN. (Not so successful.)

This. And it smacks of out doing her bloke’s ex.

I haven’t read the full thread yet just the opening post, but I was immediately reminded of the thread from a few months ago. That OP missed the nostalgia of the early covid era and gets a warm feeling when she fondly remembers that time. She had such an amazing and blissful experience.

This was my 1st thought. She’s birthed his child but she’s still only there to visually please him. I wonder if he dresses up for her?!

This!!!

Abuse often begins or escalates after a baby is born so many people are unaware of how dark things are about to become until that happens. Plenty of research to back that up if you feel like delving more into this aspect of children and relationships further.

Also a myriad of other issues from birth injuries to financial hardship and lack of support can all have a negative effect. I do think its lovely that you're relationship has thrived because its nice to have that hope that these perfect relationships do exist! but when they don't it really isn't always the case that a couple just weren't trying hard enough or didn't put effort into keeping their relationship. It's not the baby perse but the accumulative pressures that can unexpectedly appear when a baby arrives. I know it's splitting hairs to describe it that way I just don't think it's the baby's actual fault just the alignment of everything else once they're here.

I don’t have DC but the people who did want to have them with me. One would’ve been a complete disaster and I’d have hated being a single mum and needing support from him in both ways. Other two men, though it could’ve worked.

Either way I’d seen my mum struggle as a single parent so was sure I didn’t want the same.

The amount of times I was told by some friends “just have a baby” with some random guy I was seeing, like it’d all make it right in the end…

I’ve seen babies ruin and make relationships.

Exactly.

Hi OP, really good to hear you have a good relationship.
Can you tell us if you had any of the difficult events people have described?
Difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, birth injuries, PND, poorly baby, difficult sleeping, financial worries, lack of outside support?

In fact, it makes me thankful than hubby and I have such a good relationship because other things haven’t been as easy.

As long as he doesn't ask his own kids how their family is?

A close relative of mine soon after giving birth said her relationship was almost on the rocks. They were married but the baby was soon after getting married and was a surprise.

She told me she found it very hard to suddenly ensure her spare money went on nappies and wet wipes for the baby and nothing for her and her DH just used to go to the pub when things got tough. They turned it round but it was tough.

Similar story to with another best friend, they did split up for a few years before reuniting.

No. It's the lack of thought that not EVERY woman is keen on sex after what she might have been through (I couldn't go anywhere without a cushion for a month)
Not EVERY baby is calm and contented and sleeps well so if you're up half the night you're going to feel a little stressed
Not EVERY husband is hands-on and helpful, sadly. If you take the numbers on MN, most are not
Not EVERY couple finds it as easy as they thought to take the financial hit

It's the lack of awareness that the OP is in a very lucky position. She shouldn't be; it should be the norm. But I doubt it ever will be, So sadly it comes over as smug

AnImaginaryCat

I think lines like "thank you for not losing us" between a couple only becomes 🤮 when it gets shared outside of the relationship.

I think that's very true. I'd absolutely cringe if some pillow talk, behaviour, pet names etc that I'd engaged in/used privately were put on a forum for anyone to read.
Which is why I wouldn't do it but you may be right about why the OP did.

Maybe also because, if she's quite young, she's grown up with it being the norm for some people to live their life publicly on the internet?
Perhaps she thought everyone would think "What a lovely story"...

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies and why you are all such losers unlike me.

What. Was. The. Point. Of. That?

See, I had one dad who died of a drug overdose and an adopted Dad who abused me in heinous ways I never discuss.

I'm not living in poverty. I live a good life but it was far from easy. I got lucky in many ways. I was naturally bright and talented and attractive so in some ways life was very kind. Some doors opened up quite easily for me.

I have no struggle to see why many others did not get so lucky though. Some far brighter, more talented and more attractive but I was able to meet the right people at the right time.

I can recognize my privilege. I think those who don't understand others struggles are unable to see their own privilege and make the grave mistake of thinking they've done it all on their own.

Not being goady?

Are you reading the same thread?

But do you see how it comes over to those (many) who struggle?
It was the lack of acknowledgement of them combined with a touch of 'this is how you should be doing it' smugness.

I am pleased for you that it's going well.

WTF have I just read.

last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed

what does this mean?? Thank fuck I don’t have to do that….

and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase

so it’s all about sex then

it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again

well great for you but what if you went through a traumatic labour and weren’t up for sex again? It took me 8 months. Should I have felt guilty or what? Luckily my partner was super supportive but you hear about men pressuring their partners or worse, looking elsewhere.

Grim

I just read your other thread and saw you’re waiting on a BPD diagnosis. It sounds like there are some mental health issues at play here. I hope you get help soon.

You have one baby, and it sounds like you've been fortunate to have a decent sleeper.

Absolutely howling at you coming on here preaching to everyone.

Love, you're only just at the beginning.

Perfect example! 🤮

Oh come on. It's not the OP's fault if she posts a self-aggrandising, boasty thread and posters are too stupid to leave it alone and not give a response. That's on the frothers. There are boasting posts everywhere on this thread, not nearly as many as the 'kick a woman whenever you can' posters though.

I open threads all the time that make me click straight back out. Not difficult to not be made to feel like crap if you don't engage with it.

Prodding the OP about BPD though isn't cool, it's pathetic and, if the OP has any wit left she'll ask for the thread to be deleted before she leaves.

I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

Not all partners pull their weight and have a near 50/50 share.
Birth injuries - for mother and/or for child
Health concerns for any of the parties
Disabilities
Sleep deprivation - not all babies sleep through straight away
Juggling more than one child
Juggling work commitments with babies and children
Juggling household am]min and chores, work, other children, other family commitments, etc.
Finances may be more restrained leading to increased stress
Realities v expectations are wildly different sometimes
Some children/babies are 'easier' than others at different stages
Some families find the baby years easy but then struggle when they have toddlers, children or teens

There are many reasons why having a baby may affect a relationship.
I am you are capable of understanding that not all babies and set ups are alike, and obviously some pregnancies, births and babies - as well as some relationships and home lives - can make things trickier.

Certainly reads like it.

A big old bragfest ...