To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

Do you really not know why some people struggle financially? I mean this sincerely. Do you actually not know?

My birth mom is homeless. I've never needed her to explain to me why she's homeless, I can figure it out myself.

I feel like I've just stumbled across a dumpster fire..

Great you have such a Mary Poppins life. But you do sound more than a little smug. Maybe you will find out for yourself one day why relationships go pear shaped. With your attitude you won't see it coming.

If you think you are going to get a BP diagnosis then I wouldn’t be relying on what you think the reality of the situation is.

I lived with a mother who I think should have been given a BP diagnosis

She lived in her head and the reality of her words and actions she thought didn’t count.

She hadn’t a clue on sub text and thought everyone wanted the same things she did
She could never get her mind round other people being different

If my husband had given me that patronising speech before bed it would have annoyed the hell out of me. The sub text being you are doing all the work, have a pat on the head for being a good little wifey. You are so busy trying to hold us together you haven’t noticed I am banging Janice from accounts who lives like a slob and has 3 screaming kids

He would not be getting sex for months.

I am probably old enough to be your gran
I have met many women like you over the years who thought they had marriage and life sorted and told everyone

You can only say you have everything sorted on your deathbed

Everything else is just for now

Having a Baby is time consuming and if you already have other children it can really stretch your relationships . I think I worried about this with my last baby ( 3 rd child ) it wasn’t easy mostly due to lack of time , just like you I think sex it’s important as for me it’s nit just sex is the connection so I never wait to long even with c section normally 2 weeks .
With the first is not as hard but subsequent children take your time etc.
The truth it’s if your relationship is strong you will both be knackered , but on cloud 9 and making an effort to spend time together . This is why a strong relationship is important

This is not an airport, you do not have to announce your departure.

In all honesty no. I grew up on a council estate, I’ve done very well for myself. Same situation with my husband. I saw poverty and thought nah not for me so I didn’t put myself in it?

I apologise if this is ignorant and I appreciate it may well be but I truly just don’t understand how people don’t just get themselves out? A better job? Education? Start a business? We live in a country where all these things are available.

it’s hard to articulate over short text on a forum I suppose. But in my opinion there’s always a way to make money and have a comfortable life. (Obviously this doesn’t always apply to certain disabilities etc)

This. Wait till you've got several and you're exhausted. Children demand constant attention as they get older, and their needs increase if anything.

Your interpretation leaves out her entire spiel about how women don't try hard enough post-baby. She also doubles down on this premise in subsequent posts. Her saying "she doesn't want to be antagonistic" clearly shows she knows that this is antagonistic. She isn't asking a question. She's giving everyone the answer to all their problems.

He would not be getting sex for months

And divorce papers

The thing is OP, you continued to be quite smug in your responses until someone found out your other post, which painted a different picture of your life; at that point you started playing the victim, when the truth of the matter is that your original post was MEANT to be goady, antagonistic and controversial.
I do feel you have issues to work through but just face the music following your actions, rather than blame everyone else here, no one asked you to post what you posted.
I do wish you all the best though.

No, I don't believe you. I don't believe that in a well-covered COL crisis, you aren't capable of understanding why or how people might currently be in direct financial straits through something other than an addiction to designer handbags (but you are capable of understanding that you'd upset people). If you can't understand what you read in the media about it, including many personal accounts, why would answers you get here be so much more comprehensible?

It's disingenuous and dishonest, and that's exactly what people don't like about it.

I think the reality is that many people aren't well matched so when any stress occurs the cracks quickly form. I also think that we don't have enough experience of children now ahead of having our own and finally unlike years ago, when the going gets tough now, people walk away.

I can’t even begin to comment fully on this post, because you wouldn’t like what I have to say, but your thinking is very similar to the OP so congrats to you for saying “nah” to poverty. 🎉🎉🎉🥳

I avoid the news and MSM in general. Maybe that’s the key!

This. My DD has slept through reasonably well for a good chunk of time. She's now in a single bed rather than a cot. And has just learned she can get out of it by herself and walk to our room to get in with us.

We still have a good amount of sex. Still fancy each other and are not completely different people to before she arrived (to paraphrase a follow up from OP). But the fact that she may just appear means we're likely to have slightly less now. Just is what it is. Doesn't mean we don't fancy each other or want to. It just means there might be a toddler in the bed, so we can't.

I truly just don’t understand how people don’t just get themselves out?

Of course you do. If you're so smart you could entirely make yourself, there's no way you're too stupid to know the many answers to this not-at-all-difficult question.

Which leaves the reader to wonder: given this is clearly not a genuine question, what's your motive for pretending not to understand?

This is ridiculous.

To name a few situations -
Sudden redundancy coupled with high rent or mortgage
COL
Lack of access to education
Lack of opportunities
Being a single parent with no childcare help
Domestic Violence

These are just a few. It’s not easy for people to just choose not to be poor.

You can say what you like (apparently). But the fact of the matter is that’s exactly what happened. I wasn’t well off growing up. Nor was my husband.

both now high earners, plenty of disposable income, children in private schools, multiple holidays, nice cars. But most importantly we are happy and generous people. This is GENUINELY all from looking at our surroundings and actively making choices to change them.

but anyway I don’t want to derail this thread further and make it about finances.

Calamitycassie

I apologise if this is ignorant and I appreciate it may well be but I truly just don’t understand how people don’t just get themselves out?

At least you apologised for being ignorant.

(Obviously this doesn’t always apply to certain disabilities etc)

See? You can understand in certain circumstances.

Thank you for not losing us ugh, ugh, ugh.

Did he dress up for you @lighttheresomewhere ? Or is it just you who has to don the sexy outfits?

You don't need to watch the news to notice that costs of everything have gone up. You're so money-smart that you made yourself entirely from humble beginnings, don't pretend you didn't know any of this is happening. Come on, who do you actually think you're fooling?

They sabotage relationships. They are passion killers. Thankfully they grow up into young people and are a delight to talk to and have conversations with.

Well if people are going to be deliberately obtuse then I’ll explain by saying I am clearly referring to those that don’t have any physical or to an extent mental hinderance to getting out of poverty. Obviously that is the case for some people sadly. I didn’t think I’d need to point out the obvious. I’m talking about people who - as far as I can see - have no reason to be in certain situations.

I take it you've not had the misfortune of being made redundant in the middle of a financial crash (like my DH was) and therefore had to start again in entry level positions just to be bringing in something? While I was just starting out (he's 10 years older than me). So we had nothing at one point and not because we just decided to "stay" in poverty.

Now, we are "comfortable", but it was work to get there. And if we'd had kids at the point he was struggling to find work, we'd have been in the shit, because they're expensive.