To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

OP your other thread says your DH only sees his other DC EOW. Surely if he is actually a wonderful changed family man, he will be pushing towards looking after his other 2 children 50/50. Is he doing this OP? I'm not saying this to be mean OP, you're clearly a vulnerable woman and none of your posts scream loving, supporting husband or Dad. Please look after yourself and keep your support network.

Oh my goodness I've done similar

😂 it’s not luck at all. It’s how you handle it if she wasn’t an “easy baby”. I say this from both ends of the scale.

why can’t we as women just answer the OPs question without being sarcastic, nasty, making swipes, derogatory, and/or rude?

@Confusionn

how did you deduce that?

Are you hard of thinking? It was luck that we had an easy baby. So I am not being smug that my marriage is good, because I know we had an easy ride. I have friends with PPD, disabled children etc and I know how bloody much harder they’ve had to work to try to hang on to themselves, and to their relationships. OP doesn’t seem to acknowledge that!

@lighttheresomewhere the one thing I learned about MN is that an awful lot of people on here are men hating, jealous, bitter, twisted, nasty, ugly people who want nothing more than for everyone else to have horrible sad lives like them.

Ignore them. They are like sharks who smell blood. Once 1 starts they all pile on thinking it’s a game of who can be the bigger c*nt. They re just sad little people.

Good for you, our first brought us closer together, but second was the nail in the coffin for our marriage.
He wasn't so keen on another, but decided that we would go ahead anyway, and spent the entirety of my pregnancy treating me terribly and ignoring my pregnancy.
By the time our youngest was 7 weeks old, he was living back with his parents. DS is still only 11 weeks old, but our marriage is done.

Didn't think it was possible to happen to us when I had our first 2 years ago. Just wouldn't have seemed conceivable, us! Broken by a baby?

She didn't really have a question though did she? She wanted to point out how superior she is to women who might have struggled.

I’ve been with DH almost 25 years. Two older teenagers. Very happy, solid marriage and we still adore each other.

We very nearly split up when our first child was a baby. I found motherhood brutal - tough birth, PND, non-sleeping baby. It was a shockingly awful time. There was no ‘time for us’ because I was physically and mentally unwell and found it hard enough looking after myself and a baby, never mind dressing up for my husband.

Life is long. Good marriages that last the distance are about weathering the storms together with love. You don’t have to be an Instagram perfect wife and mother to have a happy family.

Yeah the question was

‘why are you not all as amazing as me???’

😂

Because it's a stressor, just like having a baby is. Different stressors affect different relationships differently.

"why can’t we as women just answer the OPs question without being sarcastic, nasty, making swipes, derogatory, and/or rude?"

What was OP's question? She didn't have one.

Can you please tell me what OPs question actually was?

That’s how you’re interpreting it though? Which is arguably more telling of you than the OP.

I could ask a question on here “why/how are people in a position where they are struggling financially” and be dragged and flamed for it, but in reality I would genuinely like to know. It’s not something I have insight to, but I wouldn’t make a post because it would be seen as “goady” and I’d be slaughtered and to be quite honest I cba with it. People live different lives. It’s ok to ask questions you don’t know the answers to. It helps us understand people/cultures/lifestyles/relationships/economic conditions.

there’s just no need for the nastiness here. Especially regarding her sex life.

Nah it wasn't the babies that ruined my relationship with my ex, it was finding out he was trying to shag anything that moved that did it for me.

Oh and also being violently sick when my second was born, asking him to give him a bottle to be called a "fucking bitch" Ah the good time's. Maybe the lack of sexy night wear did it.

I think it depends on what was on the tray!!? 😂

Generally people know they are having a baby. It’s often planned. Death isn’t. Nobody has a child (joyous occasion usually) with the anticipation of its death.

You have had a rough ride on here, @lighttheresomewhere because your OP reads as if you think the only reason babies can cause problems in relationships is because the parents - especially the women - don't try hard enough - can you not see how that would make people whose relationships aren't as perfect as yours feel like shit?

The first posts to answer you, from @Rtmhwales did a very good job of answering your question, as did some others, but you have ignored them.

According to you, you read about these issues all the time on here but still can't understand why? That leads me to think you struggle with empathy.

You haven't responded once to any of the posters who've given you their explanations. Why post this if you don't want to hear what others have to say?

Also BPD can make people put people on a pedestal or devalue them. You seem to be devaluing the women on here offering feed back.

I have had anorexia for 25 years. It's been in remission for a while now. The other posters made a valid point. It's like someone saying to you they don't understand why some people find food hard? Or for BPD why do some people struggle with relationships?

You seem to struggle seeing things from others experiences which is why people are frustrated.

I could ask a question on here “why/how are people in a position where they are struggling financially” and be dragged and flamed for it, but in reality I would genuinely like to know.

Would you expect anyone to believe that you don't already know? The fact that you would expect a flaming suggests that you do...why would you expect to be flamed for a reasonable question?

If this post is real, which I doubt, I can’t believe how incredibly insensitive and unempathetic you are. There are so many reasons life becomes incredibly hard post baby. PND, PTSD from birth, absent sex drive due to hormones/sleep deprivation/time/personal space, stress, regret, financial worries to name a few. Perhaps instead of congratulating yourself, you could maybe take a moment to consider everyone’s experience of parenthood is different for all manner of reasons.

I suppose the question was "AIBU to think babies shouldn't ruin relationships?" because, as she explained, she (for some reason - I don't know why) couldn't understand why this should happen. To anyone, ever, apparently.
I don't think it can be said that she hasn't had her question answered and she's had plenty of explanations to aid her understanding.
Job's a good 'un.

😂

“im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.”

subtle question. Probably because she thought that if she wrote “how do people struggle with their relationships when having a child” she’d get a pasting. Ironic.

Because people get angry and touchy about things that are their unfortunate realities. It doesn’t mean everyone else understands them by default.