To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

You're complaining about people being deliberately obtuse?

There was a little girl called…Jane. She was born into a poor family on a council estate. When she was 7 her father died of cancer. Her mother had to look after Jane and her 3 siblings alone, there was no life insurance policy. Janes mother had a mental break down after the loss of her husband and Jane missed a lot of college to look after her. Her grades suffered as her home life was so disruptive and Jane felt lost and alone. She didn’t go to university because her family needed her to get a job to help pay the rent. Jane developed mental health issues of her own and got pregnant early on into a relationship. She moved into a council house and ended up on benefits after the child’s father left her.

This is just Jane’s story, but there are thousands of other stories where people end up trapped in poverty through no fault of their own.

Hi OP,

I wasn’t going to comment on this thread, but having read some of the responses, I changed my mind.

Obviously people have made valid points about the different factors that contribute to the breakdown of a relationship post children. Presumably you were already aware of these. Don’t take the nastiness to heart, people’s responses are a reflection on themselves. It’s possible to disagree or point out oversights gently without getting bitter and vicious.

I have had similar conversations to yours with my DH. We have 2 toddlers and I’m pregnant with no.3. We are still very much in the honeymoon stage and I am constantly grateful that I lucked out with such an amazing husband. It’s lovely that you feel that way too, but pillow talk is better kept private.

who said I’m money smart? That is one thing I’m most definitely not. I’m very wasteful with money. Plus I don’t look at the prices of shopping I just tap my card and go.

probably much to my own detriment but hey ho

Come back when they turn 2 😄

Funnily enough I could well have been Jane. With some minor changes. My mother wouldn’t allow me to go to further education due to money.

I still did it

I actually understand where you're coming from, I think.
From my beginnings (abusive, domestic violence, poverty), I made the conscious decision, to do what I could, to never be like my parents, or live the life I did as a child. My husband the same.
We're not rich, or high earners or anything like that, but we've done better than where we came from.

There’s no point in your post beyond bragging and making others feel bad. The idea of “dressing up” for my husband makes me feel nauseous, he’s an adult he knows how I look

That's how my Dad lost all his. Being shit with money, thinking even with inflation his big job covered enough for bills and a flashy lifestyle. Being too superficial to imagine any kind of life without those things, so getting into debt to continue that lifestyle.

"My husband is a fantastic dad and husband"

That's why. ^^

Thank you. This is exactly it. Generations of DV, toxic dynamics and being skint.

I don’t have a big inspirational success story. I had an amazing dad who I looked up to and who always told me I could be who I wanted to be. So I did exactly that. and genuinely found it quite easy once I decided that was to be that.

See? You can understand in certain circumstances.

Just as I'd hope the OP would be able to understand that not everyone's baby, DP and relationship are the same as hers.

I, too, had easy babies who only enhanced my marriage. I, too, come from humble origins and worked my way up (possibly in a different way from the way you're working yourself up on this thread): education was my medium.
But luckily I've also got empathy and understand why not everyone's living an identical life to mine.

who said I’m money smart?

You did:

In all honesty no. I grew up on a council estate, I’ve done very well for myself. Same situation with my husband. I saw poverty and thought nah not for me so I didn’t put myself in it?

And we are supposed to believe that you also missed the COL crisis, and genuinely can't understand why not everyone was able to say "nah not for me" to poverty?

And then we are supposed to listen to you complaining about other people being deliberately obtuse?

I get that you dislike what you see as a pile on for OP (and you may not be wrong) but the answer is not to double down on the fake stupidity (because you're not stupid) and pretend that you don't understand why it pissed people off, just as OP is pretending not to know why babies can strain relationships and you are pretending not to know how poverty happens.

Argue against the pile on if you must, but stop pretending that the cause is beyond your comprehension. If anyone takes you at your word and does in fact believe that you aren't smart enough to follow this kind of thing, they aren't going to give much credence to anything else you have to say.

Agree...

MN can be a strange forum.
Comments on how women should stand up for other women blah blah.

But of course if by chance a woman has a nice life, well behaved kids, nice home, decent Husband/boyfriend that stays out after midnight, because God forbid he's enjoying a drink with the blokes and not shagging some girl in an alleyway or shoving drugs up his nose the poster is deluded and needs to "give their head a wobble"

You had an amazing dad, so not like Jane at all. Jane had no one.

And he never taught you that not everyone has an amazing dad to inspire them?

Eh? That’s not being money-smart. Having money and being financially literate are completely different.

Without obvious reasons as I’ve listed above, then it is beyond my comprehension- I’m being transparent.

thank you for presenting a sensible counter argument anyway without mudslinging and abuse. Which was the whole point I was trying to make in the first place.

More like a lot of folk with experience of real life. Not a head in the clouds dream version of reality.

But then you admit you know why people can be living in poverty. You've listed some of the causes yourself, and must know the reasons you grew up on a council estate. Originally you posted the question that you don't understand how that can happen. So the question would have been just a brag. If I can do it, so can everyone! You had an amazing dad, but many don't. You do understand it, so don't act so innocent and do a repeat of what the OP has done.

Moving from a couple to a family is a transition. Some people find this transition easy, many more find it challenging.

I wouldn't get smug OP. You've found this particular change in your life easy - that won't necessarily always be the case.

@Shatteredallthetimelately now imagine that person posting "My kids are so well behaved, I don't understand why some people struggle with theirs.AIBU?"

Ofc she'd get her arse handed to her.

It's not the circumstances that get the ire, it's how they're expressed. Daft, faux innocence, "aww shucks!", aren't I so much better than everyone else never go well for a reason.

It’s interesting that you are annoyed people made assumptions about you and your life, that you’re annoyed they haven’t considered your mental health and history and how that was hard. When you’ve logged on and basically done the same, you’ve written a post full of assumptions and lacking empathy. It’s horrible when the table turns isn’t it?

Without obvious reasons as I’ve listed above, then it is beyond my comprehension- I’m being transparent.

No, you are being thoroughly obtuse. A self confessed financially illiterate person claiming not to know that people can be financially illiterate? A person giving several reasons for poverty and then claiming not to know why people might be poor?

People will either realise you are pretending to be stupid to try to make a point, in which case the point fails because, as you've demonstrated, you understand full well. Or they will take you at your word when you claim to be too dim to follow, in which case your point fails because, well, by your own admission you can't understand the subject.

OP knows exactly why some relationships hit skids after kids (her husband's hit every branch on the way down, it seems) and you know exactly why some people can't escape poverty.

You can criticise the pile on without pretending not to understand what caused it. In fact, your points will stand better if you do.

I am Jane, except for the child bit. I'm barren, hey ho.

Not the point of the thread, but I wanted to comment because Calamity isn't alone in thinking poverty wasn't for them. Choices were to live the life destined for me, and be nothing, have nothing, or try and see what could be done.

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit lasagne and chips. Hoping my neighbours aren't mumsnetters, I know how double carbs goes down on this site 😂